Vertigo Milf

"Okay, I'm making myself a bit sick, Trish. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye now."

The leather couch is mostly for decoration. You know, he 'is' a psych so his office needs a couch. Usually, we sit at his desk. I'm more comfortable there. It feels like a business meeting and that's my natural environment.

It's also extremely comfortable.

"Two nights on a leaky air mattress has run a number on my bloody back, mate."

"I'm a qualified psychiatrist David, you'll need a chiro for that."

"Ha ha..."

"So, what are we not talking about today?"

"Changes. So much going on that my head is constant chatter."

"Well, that was easy, I'll put my usual brute force pry bar back in the desk."

"Sarcasm, how surprising."

"It's a hobby. Are any of these things happening right now?"

"No, it's all future stuff that I have to plan and control."

"How do you do that if it's not tangible or present?"

"That's just it. And some of it I really shouldn't interfere in at all."

"But you're invested perhaps in the outcomes?"

"Very."

"Do you realise this is the first conversation you and I have ever had that relates to things that haven't come about yet?"

"I guess."

"What does that tell you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm imagining the future and how I want it."

"Well, welcome back to the land of the living my friend."

"Fuck it. I've spent so long using business and life as a distraction that now I don't know how to deal with this sudden investment in it. Catherine would tell me, 'Little by little, bit by bit' and insist on just making daily decisions based on what I can control while keeping a firm hold on my dreams."

"Smart woman for a dead person."

"Ha-ha." I grumble.

"David. Can I be totally honest with you?"

"Please."

"What you are feeling is what most people feel every day. Insecurity, lack of influence, helplessness. It's just that you haven't felt those things because you've been struggling with grief for so long that only the day to day mattered. You haven't let yourself imagine a future for yourself and I'm just grateful I'm not an overly emotional man because I'd be crying right now. Do you know how long I have waited for you to make a step like this?"

"Too long. You're a good mate, Alan. I'm just a stubborn prick."

"No. You're a man who suffered a terrible loss and who has had to put himself back together. It's nice to see you feeling things like the rest of us. Now, what are you going to do about it?"

"Whatever I can, whenever I can."

"And do me a personal favour, David. Spend a little quiet moment every day building some dreams in your head and in that heart that seems to have started beating again. Now get out of here before I embarrass myself. Go on."

Hana's face is twisted in a foul scowl when I find her in the kitchen. The boys are swimming out the back and Amara is laughing at my confusion.

"I got my period, David. Mara thinks it's 'terribly' funny."

"Oh, the shopping..."

"Yeah. Kat found some pads for me this morning but... I'm sorry."

"What the fuck for?"

"Well, I'm only home-"

"Wanker, come here."

"I should have skipped it."

"Hana. Shh. I plan on being around for quite a while. We'll have plenty of time to make up for a couple of days."

"She's just packing a sad. Ignore the little woman, Davo."

"So, here. Um..." I push the grumpy looking Hana off me and laugh at her pout. Scrabbling through the linen cupboard, I locate the wheat sack that I use occasionally to treat the shoulder I tore a wrestling once. When the microwave dings, I hand the warm sack and a packet of Advil to her and lead her to the couch.

"Sit you two..." I hand them the remote, "Netflix stat. I'll get you girls a bottle of wine and a glass each. Then I have to go help Nikko with the fire pit."

"He got a brother, little siss?"

"Kiss." Hana frowns and points at her lips when I pass her a wine glass and set the bucket on the floor where they can reach. "You're good to me."

"Seriously. It's just a fact of life, gorgeous." I tell her after a brief kiss.

"Not just that."

"One here too, ow." Mara laughs and points at her cheek, so I peck her quickly as well.

"I've been watching this thing up north..." I hear Hana telling Mara as I wander out back.

Ricky and Nikko are standing beside a carefully cut out rectangle of lawn about four foot wide by five foot long. The turf has been stacked beside the garden shed and it appears they've wheelbarrowed the removed dirt over beside the back gardens. They are standing admiring their work and drinking a beer.

"Nah you're right fellas, help yourself to a beer eh?" I load as much sarcasm into it as I can.

"Chur bruh. Mean as." Ricky laughs.

"How's it coming along?"

"Yeah, should do. We had a good one back in Wensley Road as kids. Bit bigger than this and we lined it with brick so it was permanent and you didn't have to bust your guts digging every time. But this will do. Hey, I seen that jewie you got. Nice fish."

"Um... There are old pavers around the back of the garden shed from before I put the pool in. Will they do?"

"Good as gold, Davo." Nikko tells me. "You sure? Make it permanent?"

"I don't have a crystal ball, mate but something tells me this won't be the last time I need it."

"True that." Ricky says, "Let's get a squiz at these pavers."

I look up an hour or so later and find Hana smiling at me from the back door. She gestures for me, so I make my way over.

"Hey, come here."

"Get a room!" Ricky teases as we hug.

"I'm going for a nanny nap. Mara took the boys over her place. Don't let me sleep too long eh, or I won't sleep tonight. I heard you earlier."

"Hey?"

"I was in the toilet when you were talking about the pavers. I could hear you out the little window. You don't need a crystal ball, David. Just a little bit of courage. We gonna be around for a long time one way or another. Don't you worry."

She pecked my cheek quickly and I let myself dream a little just like Alan said.

"She a bit pakaru today bruh. You two fighting?" Ricky asks carefully.

"Yeah nah, she's got a bit on her mind with work and um... women's things."

"Aw... stink one." Nikko grumbles. "Mara not fit to hit with a stick round that time."

"What's wrong with work?" Ricky asks.

"Oh, it's her story Ricky. Just she might have to move the boys and her up north."

"Pff..." He shakes his head. "You'll figure it out, white boy."

"What? Figure what out?" I hand them fresh beers.

"Nothin. You'll work something out. Hey Davo, can we borrow the ute? We gotta bowl round to Muzza's place and get the rocks. Should pick up firewood and beer as well."

"What rocks do you need?"

"Um, they not really rocks even." Ricky explains, "Back home a family would collect good volcanic rocks over time and look after them; keep them clean. Normal rocks split, you know. But here we just use bits of old railway track. You put them on the fire and they hold the heat really well."

"Can you buy it?"

"Ah... don't know."

"That salvage place might have some. I'll make some calls. How much you want to spend, Davo?" Nikko asks.

"What do we need so we have all the stuff our mob needs here?" I ask.

"Our mob now, eh white boy?" Ricky mocks. Then he slaps my back, "Our mob will need tracks, baskets, a lot of stuff that we were just going to borrow. Takes most family years to get that stuff together. They make a lot of it."

"Here." I pull out my phone and hand him my credit card. "Get what you can and borrow the rest. Let's do this properly."

Ricky looked damn hard at the card then gave me the same look. "Mob." He nodded and pulled me into a hug that grizzly bears would envy. "Have to be fucking mob to hand me a credit card and the keys to your car a week after I'm out of jail."

Nikko nodded and smiled to himself. "Come on then Ricky, we got five...er... six hours till people get here."

I use the afternoon, while Hana sleeps peacefully and the fellas shop to sort out a bit of that stuff in my head. My lists have been useful over time at keeping me distracted and focused and I wonder if a similar approach could be taken with planning. In no time at all I have a page of paper divided into four squares. One square is for work. One square is for the farm. One square is for family and one square is something I've not dared for ages. It's for dreams.

In the work square, I've doodled a bit of a company structure remap that may work. It involves mostly how I'd like to remain involved and details a little of how roles would shift and evolve. The ISO system we have in place would then continue that evolution over time and ensure success. I'll conference once a month for meetings and once a quarter for board meetings. There are a few surprises for the girls, but they've earned them. A phone call to Dudley was all I needed to confirm financial capacity.

Under 'Farm' I sketched several possible developments to make it replace the sixty thousand a year I draw from my business. Dudley has told me over the years that my position should usually attract a percentage figure of the bottom line that works out at around a hundred and thirty-five thousand, so that's what I'm aiming for with the property. At present the cattle pay rates, maintenance and put a profit of thirty thousand into the family trust after the expenses come out. Expanding the cultivation must be done carefully in line with land use legislation and clearing laws. There's not enough water for cotton or irrigation so I'll have to carefully dry land farm it. Tanya has been using the land to put some money toward a cruise every couple of years so my plans would have to involve her enough to continue that.

"Family" took a lot of thinking about. Mixed up in it was this thing with Hana and her boys. Until now, it had only been Me, Tan, Ebby and Kat. Now, my plans included things that could clearly be put down in the "Dreams" box. Consequently, under 'family' I have, FT CCF thing, shorthand for (family trust CCF thing) - ft Kat's education, ft - ivf bub, ft - cottage improvements, and a few other things.

And smiling boldly, I write a few things in the 'dreams' box.

1 -Furnish the homestead enough to stay there with Hana and the boys.

2 -Get hours up for commercial licence.

3 -Insurance for plane to include commercial use.

4 -Hana and the boys.

I'm startled by a gentle touch on my shoulder and my jumping is rewarded with musical giggles.

"Look out for his chilly bin. Haha. Watcha doin?"

She looks over my shoulder at the piece of paper that I'm trying to cover and reaches for it.

"Oh. Ha. Here." She takes my pen and puts an asterisk beside '1' and '4' and draws arrows from them into the family box. "What do you want a commercial licence for?"

I would have answered sooner but she yawned and stretched, and with her wearing just my t-shirt it was quite a view.

"Um... If you're going to be up in Emerald or somewhere, I'd see more of you if my fuel and time were paid for. Was kind of just thinking about ferrying the workers in and out. It would give me a couple of overnights a week with you and every other weekend at least."

"You think a lot. It'll work. I just had the loveliest dream right now."

"Hmm?"

"Oh no. No telling. We'll work it out. And hey, the homestead thing. I found some stuff online this afternoon with Mara that will go well. Um, if you don't mind me picking. It's your house. I just..."

"Show me." With that, a cuddly Hana, smelling like sleepy woman, arranged herself on my lap and opened her laptop that had been charging in the office.

/`----------------<><

The hangi was a huge success. The police were called for a noise complaint and not long after that officers from Operation Hydra arrived with a search warrant. They asked Ricky a lot of questions and made us all stand around out the back and hand over identification. I called Rebecca, my lawyer and she said to state our full names and addresses, hand over licences as proof thereof, and not say a single other thing. So, I advised my family and friends accordingly and the three officers didn't have a very fruitful fishing expedition.

Luckily, they were so intent on finding bikie paraphernalia, that they didn't find my stash of weed and bong inside the vacuum cleaner. With firm instructions given to Ricky that he was not to consort with criminals and so on they left empty handed. There was a long quiet moment after they left until Muzza laughed and said, "Well it's not a proper hangi if the cops don't show up."

I was a bit nervous around all the new people, but Hana claimed my lap whenever she came past and the boys seemed to hover by me as well. The pool got good use by the kids and Muzza pushed his wife Megan in to rowdy cheers later in the day. She waited until he was distracted and returned the favour.

Isaac and Wendy from next door sat together quietly and smiled soulfully at the mess of family. I remember watching Wendy hug Hana and take her over to talk to her quietly near the garden shed while Isaac spent a bit of time at the bar laughing loudly with the blokes.

"I'm sorry about the cops, little bruh." Ricky told me seriously a bit later.

Everyone had gone. Nikko, Ricky and I had been banished to the bar while the girls cleaned up and put kids to bed.

"Rebecca wants to talk more to me about it later some time. She says they're really aggressive and if you understand the legislation and your rights more, you can limit their intrusion. Do you want to come along? She's a top chick. Brilliant at criminal law and really helpful with my business stuff."

"That's..." He looks a bit confused. "Probably expensive."

"I need to understand, so I'm paying. I can't just have cops showing up hassling my family every time we get together."

"I'll come." He stands quickly and heads inside surprising quickly.

"Naw, you teared him up cuz." Nikko tells me.

In no time at all, I was holding Hunter and waving.

Jo-jo and Thomas were waving too, and we watched Hana board a twin-engine Piper. Then the world got lonely again. I didn't need my lists so much for distraction these days, but they helped me take little bites when planning and to attack things bit by bit. We still went fishing every other night and occasionally, the kids would insist on a sleep over much to Amara and Nikko's brown chicken brown cow joy.

"So, David..." Trish examines my rough diagram. "This is a little over the top, hun."

"Nonsense Trish, and you know it. You and Laura have been in the driver's seat for longer than I care to admit."

"But equal partners?"

"Call it an Easter bonus."

"But finances." Laura taps her writing pad.

"Approved. I spoke at length with Dudley and he's satisfied it's a viable structure. In fact, it's safer because you get paid a stipend and a quarterly percentage of profit rather than a fixed salary. So, if the business does well, you do well and if we falter the business doesn't carry wages."

"Talk about motivation." Laughs Trish.

"Well yes, there are risks if you accept but there are fail-safes and clauses in there to protect your present financial status quo. Have Rebecca go over the contracts. Make sure you're happy, but I would feel a lot better about leaving Cohen Human Logistics in your capable hands."

"Hmmmph." Laura stands up and stares furiously at me. "I hate all this touch feely shit, you realise?"

"What touch feely-"

Trish laughs as Laura cuts me off by launching into my lap and cuddling me tightly.

"I'm so happy for you, David." Trish smiles. "I accept. And I think Miss Cactus does too."

"Haha. Don't expect hugs all the time now boss."

"Partner." I correct her.

"Oh fuck, I gotta ring mum. She'll shit." Laura bounces out the door.

"I'll get Annabelle. If you're ready." Trish smiles and I nod.

Annabelle looks a little ashen as she joins us. She started with me when she was just out of high school. She carefully arranges herself in the chair that Trish had pulled out and looked at the papers in front of her.

"Office Manager? I was sure you were going to fire me." She laughs nervously.

"Fire you?"

"I know big changes are happening, I just haven't been clued in. I've been shitting myself for weeks."

"Oh hell, sugar. I should have thought." Trish pats her shoulder bringing tears to Annabelle's eyes.

"But I don't have quals, Boss."

"You've got your certs in business and if you take the contract home and read it, you'll find a section that includes fifteen thousand a year for personal development. You'll also pick up a lot of Trish and Laura's administrative work so this isn't a Christmas gift, Annabelle." I warn her.

"I hate 'Annabelle'. I tried to tell you once, but you've always been so... wrapped up. It's just Belle. And this is a lot to take in." She turns the pages. "The fuck you say? That's a typo."

"No. No typos."

"Sixty-eight thousand and a car?"

"The car is a salary sacrificed lease. Again, not a gift. Just a tax loop. And you're worth every cent. Take it home. Read it and if you're happy, sign it. If you're not, bring it back to the table and we'll negotiate."

"Fuck that, Boss. Give me your biro."

Trish and I laugh as Anna signs and pushes the papers over to me. I push them over to Trish and explain, "You're going to have new bosses, Anna. Trish and Laura. Oh, and your first task as office manager, will be to recruit a new receptionist."

Anna stands and straightens her uniform collared blouse over her tights. "This is how you used to be David. Mr 'shake things up and take us places'. I feel good things happening. Thank you. I'm leaving before I get gushy."

"Which leaves just one position. A new one that you and Laura are going to have to create. I think you'll need some business qualifications and well, you guys nut it out and email me draft PD's hey?"

"Will do."

/`---------------<><

"What's so fucking funny, little bruh?" Ricky asks beside me as we watch the sun set over the pool.

"This fucking position description."

"What's it for?"

"My replacement."

"You retiring?"

"Something like that. Changing directions. I have to get the farm on track. Have a read. You'll love it."

I pass him the document and wind in so I can re-bait my line while he pulls out reading glasses, perching them on his tattooed nose and reads the PD. A while later he shakes his head and hands it back silently to me as he opens another beer.

"They're describing you mate."

He just shakes his head again. "Once upon a time, bruh."

"It's like they read your resume and plagiarised it. Look at this bit... Experience in manual industries and knowledge of unique challenges faced by workers away from support units for extended periods. And this... er... Demonstrated ability to-"

"To fucken what, cunt? To beat cunts up when they need it? To traffic drugs?"

"Ricky! That's not who you are! It's not what you show me or your family. You got to turn your game of blackjack all around man. You wave all those shit cards about-"

"Like you'd fucken know. You ever even get a ticket, white boy?" He slams his fist and his beer down on the bar.

"Haha. Ha." I kind of crack myself up. It's not very manly given the steam of the moment.

"What?"

"Assault occasioning bodily harm while armed."

"Bullshit."

"Nope. I was... It was just after Catherine and Lulu passed. I was shopping and this woman slapped her baby right in the face. Hard like, whack. The baby was only this big. Probably maybe twelve months. Tiny. And I... Hahaha."

"Fucking cow! What'd you do, you mad cunt." Rick laughs with me, his self-loathing anger diffused.

"I was holding a container of Pringle's chips. According to witnesses... (I don't remember much about it...) They reckon I beat her with the pringles container until her nose was bleeding."