Vertigo Milf

. Homestead.

The boxes in the garage are all of Catherine and Juliette's belongings from this house. They are full of things that the girls had left behind here over time when we visited that I couldn't bear to leave out to remind me of them. I know I have to go through them and keep some sentimental things and dispose of the rest, but I've been putting it off. The longer I leave it though, the more loudly it looms over me each time I walk into the garage. Maybe I can get a little bit done at a time over this week off.

The Subaru was the car we left here so that when we flew in from the bush, we'd have a vehicle to get around in. Since I drove the Landcruiser here when I left the farm all those years ago, the Subaru has just gathered dust. Sure, I take it for a spin every now and then to keep the oil circulating and the battery charged but I know I need to sell it. Someone should enjoy it as much as Catherine used to.

"I feel a bit naughty driving something that hasn't got kangaroo dents and a uhf radio in it. Very posh." I can hear her laughing voice for the first time in ages.

Our accountant though; I really should go see him. Mostly, I've refused to acknowledge the tidying up that should be done, choosing to let him manage things. Along with our joint investments, the family trust books for the farm and my income, Catherine had some shares and other investments that she used to grin about and tell me, "Never you mind. Just things for a rainy day." I fire off another email and ask his reception to schedule an appointment this week.

The homestead. I just shut that door behind me and walked out with a suitcase, a laptop and left. Just thinking about how to dismantle six years of marriage and family life overwhelms me. Sometimes I think tossing a match under it might be the sanest way to tidy that mess up.

Eventually, I found myself sitting in front of a single sheet of paper. The 'X-mas' and 'Shops' lists had been refined and pinned back on the wall and I was scowling at the list in front of me.

1. Boxes.

2. Subaru.

3. Appt Wed 10am Acct.

4. Talk to Eb and Tan about the old place.

5. Groceries.

6. Talk to Nikko and Amara.

It was going to take some courage, but it was time. I pinned it to the fridge and took out a six pack of beer.

"Chilly Bin. Silly Bin." I giggled like a tough guy as I put them in my new esky and took them to the garage where I stood and eyed the offending boxes with my best stink-eye. I'd finished my first beer before I had mustered enough of an idea about how to go about the task.

"Bit by bit, little by little, one step at a time." Catherine used to smile and tell me whenever I was stressed at how big of a bite we'd taken with an enterprise. The farm for example. Before Dad died, I bought it from my parents for two and a bit million and that was family price. Enough for them to buy their Caloundra place and motorhome and retire comfortably. When the girls died, I had it down to five hundred thousand thanks to my mine money. The new business paid it out within a couple of years and now Eb and Tan help me use the block to put about a hundred and twenty thousand a year into the family trust and keep it ticking over.

So, "Bit by bit, little by little, one step at a time." I told the empty garage before pressing the door opener to let a breeze through the sweat box that early summer had made it. Then I dragged in a wheelie bin and opened its lid for the things I was going to have to release and put a single removalists box beside it. There were about ten boxes of stuff and that single box was what I told myself I could keep for memories.

Bargaining with yourself at times like this is kind of like cajoling a tantrum throwing toddler who wants the whole bag of lollies. Three hours later, I'd laughed, I'd cried, I'd hit the punching bag more than a few times and I had filled the first wheelie bin and started on the second. The keeper's box was filled with the things that made me laugh and cry. Things like Lulu's barbie doll and a couple of little toy horses, Catherine's jewellery and our wedding photos. I'm sure you can imagine the keepsakes that are just too hard to toss.

And then before I knew it, the last box was empty. I stood and watched it for a long time as I finished my sixth beer and wondered what it all meant. The garage felt as hollow as the empty box now. There was a strong feeling of betrayal swirling within the midst of grief and release. Part of me felt like I was tossing Catherine and Lulu in the bin each time I threw out a piece of clothing. Each piece of clothing had reminded me of the last time I'd seen it worn.

Things like makeup and perfume and all the little personal things reminded me of Catherine's sense of poise and her minimalist fresh, but well put together appearance. She was a graceful woman who was just as comfortable at the ballet as in the cattle yards.

Little Lulu's toys were difficult to go through. I used to spend hours sitting on the floor having wild imaginations with her. We played cars and dolls, and all manner of fanciful fun things were created. I kept a few special ones.

Catherine's books on wildflowers and birds I moved into the lounge and sat against the wall after writing 'bookshelf' on my 'shops' list. It's funny how much personality can be left behind in a person's favourite books.

But there I was, finished. Was this empty box my heart now? Had I packed every ounce of Catherine and Lulu into that one box and stuffed it in the back of my garage?

A breeze curled around my feet for a moment and the smell of the sand-ridge back home teased me. I knew where to find my girls. They would live forever in my heart and in the flowers under the river-oaks.

/`---------------------------------------------<><

When five o'clock came around, it brought with it the usual giggling voices and knock that I'd come to expect every Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoon. I opened the door and stepped aside as the kids ran through, dropping their fishing gear and heading to the kitchen.

"Mum wants to come fishing this arvo, Uncle Davo." Thomas yelled from the kitchen, "Hey where's the juice?"

"Bottom shelf, mate." I tell him and smile at a nervous looking Hana. "Come in, don't just stand there."

"Thanks, I'll just-" She points through to the kitchen, "They alright in there just helping themselves, eh?"

"Yeah, come on." I take her hand and pull her along. "Afternoon tea and homework first, then fishing."

"Bullshit, homework? My god." Hana looks at the kids like they're aliens. They're set up at the island bench on stools with their books out, eating snacks and working quietly together. Jo-jo is helping Hunter with something and Thomas is at the sink, rinsing his glass and stacking it in the dishwasher. "Who are these people?"

"It's the rules, Mumma. Homework first or no fishing." Hunter tells her like she's mildly retarded.

"Hey Thomas, do you think you could help Mum make a handline when you're done mate?"

"Sure, Uncle Davo."

I find a couple of beers for Hana and I and stand just watching proudly as my little mate Thomas finds an empty coke bottle from the recycling and shows his Mum how to tie line and wind it around the waste of the bottle. Then he shows her the knots I'd taught him after threading a sinker and a hook on.

"...and then you wind up like this and wherever you point the bottle that's where the line goes, eh?"

Handing Hana a beer, she shrugs and shows me her coke-bottle handline. "Pretty skux gear, David. I thought fishing was all about buying lots of fancy equipment."

"Nah, fishing is all about daydreaming and wasting time with friends. Are we nearly done Jo-jo?"

"How does this one work, Uncle Davo?"

Hana helps Hunter finish off his spelling and I think Jo-jo just likes the attention; she's practically completed the sudoku-like maths homework that she tries to engage me in.

"Eww, I got its guts on me..." Hunter giggles and wriggles his fingers in Jo-jo's face after baiting his line.

"Don't be a jerk, cuzzy." Jo-jo laughs at him and launches a perfect cast out onto the edge of the drop off from the sand bank into the channel. "Gotta get it out about there where the water goes dark, Aunty. That's where the bream and flatties are waiting for the little bait fish to get too close."

"Gross, you guys are just cuddling, not fishing even." Thomas laughs as I stand behind Hana holding her waist and showing her the casting motion.

When Amara finds us just on dark as she usually does, all the kids have caught a few small breams each. The only people who haven't caught anything are Hana and I. Jo-jo even has a keeper bream that had her whooping in joy as she ran up and down the little jetty trying to keep it from tangling in the pylons.

The kids crowd Amara and expound their prowess and that empty box in the garage is forgotten. My life feels full. This feels like family used to.

"What?" Hana asks beside me. Her lips are curled in a smile and dimples frame them.

"I'm in danger of being happy."

"Good, me too."

"Hey, you coming for tea, Davo?" Amara asks.

"No woman, he's mine for dinner. I mean-"

"I know exactly what you mean, siss. Be careful Davo, big woman eat you up and spit you out, ow."

"That's not... You're awful Rita Amara."

"Have fun guys, see you in the morning Hana." Amara says saucily.

"God she's a bitch." Hana laughs as we watch them walk back through the park to the laneway. "Ooh!"

And then I watch as pure exhilaration lights Hana's face. She pulls her line in hand over hand and squeals and bounces like a child as she battles her fish. In the moment, every grown-up worry, every doubt or trouble is gone and it's like watching clouds part and a rainbow pour through.

"Look! Look David. It's a fucking beauty. Look at it!"

I am. And it is... The fish is nice too. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen bounces and jiggles and beams with joy. All of the fascinating parts of her bounce with her excitement as well.

"What? What are you looking at, you muppet? Come and get it off for me." She smiles knowing full well what I was looking at.

"Can I keep it? Is it the right size?" She asks excitedly as I drop it in the bucket.

"That's a keeper, Hana. Join me for a fish dinner?"

"You'll cook it for me?" Her eyes are big and round with wonder.

"Feeling a bit like I could saddle up a horse and ride into battle for you at the moment." She rewards my foolish mimicry of horse riding with her giggled laughter. "You're so damn beautiful when you relax and forget yourself a bit."

"Stop it. I'm not going to fuck you anyway, but I'm coming for dinner. I love fish."

We sat and fished and spoke quietly in the cooling evening air until the mast lights all came on and the mosquitos came out in droves to bite us through our clothes where we hadn't put spray. I learned about the parole interview that day and her brother's possible release at the end of the month.

"It's gonna be a bit of a squeeze over the road with all of you in a three-bedroom unit." I tell her as I open my garage door and sit the fishing stuff off to the side.

"It's a bit of a squeeze as it is, David. I'm sick of that fucking sofa bed. I should be able to afford a rental at the end of the next swing, just... it's hard to get them. To get a rental you have to have references and to have references, you have to have rented property somewhere. Round and round, you know. It's been two years already looking. And I'm not white, which makes things harder."

"Joking, really?"

"Yeah. They don't say it outright, but skin colour still counts."

"Yours is my favourite. Kind of like Cadbury's Caramello. That's just fucked."

"Here, what's this?" She's stopped in her tracks and stands looking at the 'keepers' box beside the Subaru. "Oh..."

A hundred things flash across her pretty face. Mostly I witness that massive empathy that her whole family shame me reflecting itself as she looks from the contents to my face. "Come here."

She opens her arms and invites me in.

Have you ever had one of those hugs from someone that just wraps you completely in them for as long as you need? A hug that surrounds you with a feeling of safety, home and love? I basked in the welcome of her body and her thoughtful heart until the world outside us vanished.

"David?" She pulled me back to the present as we gently stepped apart. Her hand pats warmly on my chest and her tawny eyes smiled softly on mine. "Make a little room in here for me while you're at it too hey? Just a tiny space, please."

With that she pulls me forward a little and kisses my forehead. "Come on you promised me fish."

"Tell me about Catherine if you can. How did you meet?" She asks as she expertly dices salad onions. "Shit, you probably had an emotional day going through things. I'm sorry. Just interested."

"It's okay actually. Today was good. Each thing I picked up brought back memories and they were mostly happy ones. It's been ten years more or less now. I should be able to talk about them and be happy. Yesterday was just a bit..."

"Over the top? All us mob at once is 'woah cuzzy... heahea'." She chuckles and helps measure rice into a pot.

"We met at Farm Fest one year. She was studying Animal Science at Gatton and I was doing Engineering at Toowoomba."

"Was it love at first sight or something?"

"Kind of a one-night stand."

"Oh..." She nods without judgement, as she pours water in with the rice and sprinkles in some salt.

"Well, we were both drinking with friends and then got to talking and suddenly it was two or three in the morning and we were still talking in the back of my ute. Lying there looking at the stars. It's funny, you know how there are just some people you can just forget yourself with and start talking and then... I don't know."

"That's how you know when you've found your mob, cuzzy."

I've finished filleting her fish and put it in some salted milk to rest while the rice cooks.

"What's the milk for?"

"It... I don't know if it really does anything, but I think it soaks a bit of the fatty stuff; makes it a little bit less- um... fishy."

"I imagine it's the casein in the milk, binds to something. So, then you started dating or something?"

"Oh, hell no. She had a boyfriend."

"You home-wrecker! I'm ashamed of you David. You got this hotty drunk and took advantage, even though you knew she had a boyfriend?" Hana laughed as she wiped down the bench and arranged the salad bowls.

"Oh no, they were on the rocks. That's part of what we sat up talking about. She just wanted one night of something magic, she said. And I... Well, I just wanted her. I didn't see her again for about six months. She called me out of the blue and asked if I was interested in going to a Parkway Drive concert. She'd paid for tickets ages before, but they'd broken up and she had no-one to go with."

"Enter Davo on his white horse. Don't fear little woman, Uncle Davo to the rescue. Just lock up your chilly bins." She cackles into her beer and leans back on her hands against the island bench smiling at me.

"Something like that. She was a bit of a mess after her break-up, and I didn't want to be her rebound. He'd been rooting around on her the whole time and they tried for a bit but the trust wasn't there. She'd felt terrible about that night with me and confessed and then it all came out. Whatever else she was, she couldn't lie to save herself."

"So, you went to the concert and hooked up again?"

"Nah, it was pretty shit. We both looked at each other about half an hour in and laughed, 'this is so shit'. She said it was tickets she bought for him because he loved the band. We left and sat in Laurel Bank Park and talked forever again. Made some plans to stay in touch. She wasn't ready for anything new. I was sketchy about the rebound thing."

"Jesus, hard to hook you up old mate. How the hell did you actually get together?"

"Hang on, I have a nice Pinot Grigio that will go well with this." I grab the wine from the fridge and a couple of glasses as she turns the rice down to a simmer and adds a teaspoon of oil to it. "Do you like wine?"

"I love it, but very carefully..." She nodded and smirked, "It's been known to lead me astray, but I feel safe with you. Jesus, it sounds like you couldn't pull a root even if chicks were throwing pussy at you."

"Oh, I did alright back then, you cheeky cow. Just I wanted more than that from Catherine. I felt this... thing. A deeper connection. You know, I just-"

"I know all about it, David." She smiled shyly at her wine glass and I swear I could see the faintest blush to her neck and cheeks.

"This is fun."

"What is?"

"Talking with you. The only people I've spoken about Catherine with in the last ten years have been my family and Alan, our psych at work. You just make it so easy. You help me remember the fun and the good bits."

"So, get to the happy ever after could you, the rice is almost ready."

"Well, I got a job a couple of years later with a mining company working out of Roma and one stinking hot sweaty night, I was sitting in the pub eating my counter meal on my days off and in she walked. She waved at me from the door, pulled up a seat next to me and that was it. She was working with a large animal vet out there. Six months later we were married, nine months after that along comes Juliette. It was..."

"Sounds like Matty and me. Jeez, I was a muppet back then. I got in my own way all the time. He was running a shed I was cooking in and God it was hard for chicks in a shed. Everyone trying to get in your pants. You were either an ice queen or a slut. No in-betweens, eh. So, I kept him at arm's length though I was crushing hard. Saw him in two more sheds over that season. He used to look at me like you do."

I'm afraid I might have blushed a little at that. "You're easy to look at, Hana."

"I knew I was no good for him though. I was young and wild and he was ready to settle down. Heart wants what it wants though. We were together all that next off-season then I fucked him over."

"You were young, Hana. We all-"

"Oh, I own it. I don't judge myself too hard on it. I'm a grown woman now. This was a girl trying new things. Richard and Steven, my brothers, were working on boats out of Nelson and they were in a bike gang. All those loud bikes and big men..." she shakes her head sadly and smiles, "It broke Matty's heart when I told him I was going with someone else. Never seen him since. He doesn't even know he has a son."

"You ever try-"

"Nah yeah, of course. I still check facebook and such but it's like he disappeared off the face of the planet."

"What would you do if you found him? Do you want to get back together?"

"Oh, hell no, David. Too much water under that bridge and really, I was never in love with him, just the idea of him. He was the boss man on the sheds. The idea that I was the boss man's girl... You know, until I found another boss man. Big bad boy on a bike. Stupid little girl stuff. But I would like him to know Thomas. Rice is ready."

"Huh?"

"We're talking so much shit I've almost over cooked the rice. Where's your strainer? Get the fish on." This must be convenor Hana. She works efficiently to rinse the rice and stop it cooking then sets it to rest while I heat peanut oil and a splash of sesame in a pan then sear the skin side of the fish. When the meat is white halfway through and I'm satisfied with the crispy skin, I flip it, add butter and a dash of our wine.

When I turn around with the pan, she's smiling at me like I invented the wheel or something and our plates are prepped with little piles of rice and salad.

"What?" I ask her quirky grin.

"I got a job offer for you in the mines. I need a cook. You made that look simple."