Vertigo Milf

"Well thanks. Coming from you, that's a big compliment." I tell her as I dish the fillets onto the plates and drizzle a little of the pan juice on them.

We eat at the little island bench. I have a nice big dining table, but it never gets used. We're silent mostly. I loved watching her face as she tried the fish and her eyes rolled.

"God..." She mumbled with her mouth full. "You haff no 'dea."

"It's just simple. Let the fish speak. People crowd it with too many flavours."

"Bullshit." She laughs after she's swallowed. "It's all in the way I caught it."

"Can't argue with that." I laugh remembering her bouncing and her fantastic breasts jiggling in the singlet top she was wearing.

"Oh." She looked up as she placed her cutlery down. "I have a confession."

"Do tell."

"I might have lied to you."

"What about?" She looks so serious that I'm thinking the worst.

"I'll explain later. I need to work up to it. It's a big one."

Throughout the clean-up, rinsing dishes, putting things away, it hangs over me a bit like a cloud. I know she notices me worrying; I'm just off my cadence. The banter isn't flowing, something is off and she's guarded somehow.

"Come with me." She giggles and grabs my wrist. "I've been thinking about this exact moment all day. Oh, bring those and that."

Grabbing the bottle of wine and glasses I follow her out to the pool where she beckons me down beside her as she sits on the edge with her feet slowly swinging in the cool clear water.

"Perfect end to the day." She smiles. "Wait, almost perfect. Fill those glasses."

So, I do and hand her one.

"Now kiss me like you did the other night. Gently and-"

I don't need instructions. The invitation was enough. I'd been watching those luscious lips all evening as she spoke and remembering the dark and her kisses and wishing I could see her face. Her hand gently presses at my chest and urges me back.

"Fuck... I... Phew... I thought we were going to fall in the pool. Did Catherine ever tell you how nice you kiss?"

"Now and then, gorgeous." And it doesn't hurt to say or think it. It's just words and truth and...

"Look." She points at the sunset over the back fence. "This... Kissing you, wriggling my toes in the pool and watching the sunset. Perfect. I didn't know if it would happen how I wanted to but look at us. Mum used to say if you wish hard enough and dream long enough, that the old people would find a way."

And we just sat. We sipped our wine and watched the last splash of red dip behind the buildings and the stars come out. Our shoulders bumped occasionally as if our bodies were begging for skin and it was one of those moments where two people were wonderfully together but comfortably alone with their thoughts as well.

Michael Stipe wrote a song about night swimming and how it deserves a quiet night. It's one of my favourites. My skin was feeling a bit salty from the day's sweat and fishing, so without ado, I dropped down off the edge into the water and kicked off to float on my back. I didn't hear her enter the water. I just felt cool gentle hands take my head and draw it back between her breasts so she could lean over me and kiss me upside down.

"So, I lied to you David, and I'm very sorry. I 'am' going to fuck you If you'll have me." The mischief in her eyes lights them up like fireworks as I splash around and try not to drown. "But not in the pool. Have you ever? Not a bright idea."

"In a muddy dam. And no. Not a good idea." My heart feels like that little place that I was clearing for her all day has swollen again and got a lot bigger to fit more in. I remember as an afterthought how Catherine and I tried having sex in the bottom dam one time and how uncomfortably 'dry' it was. "How about a shower to wash the chlorine off, a snuggle on the couch for a bit and then we..."

"God that sounds perfect. I don't suppose you have a bottle of port around to put the cherry on top of that, you lovely man?"

"Port?" I hold her at arm's length and check her eyes to see if she's teasing.

"I love port. Dad used to give me a teaspoon full if I couldn't sleep. It's dumb, but it always feels like-" and then my warrior princess is sobbing hard against me, broken like all of the Lego blocks she's made of just became magnetically opposed. So, I held her as tightly as she held me earlier. I let her crash against me and swirl and ebb and wait for the tide of grief to wash away.

"We have a lot more talking to do, Hana. I want to know your people too." I kissed her forehead.

"I still want to fuck. Get off me." She huffed at me and frowned.

"I can't take you seriously when you look that pretty while you're angry. How about I find some port, you have a shower and the fucking can happen later on when we're all talked out?"

"You're not real. When I get back from the shower, you'll be just another dream and I'll be sleeping on a sofa bed."

"Bullshit, gorgeous. Bullshit. Go on now, you smell..." I held my nose and pretended to be disgusted.

"If I forget to tell you later... Just come here a minute." She pulled my ear to her lips and whispered like it was the deepest secret. "I like you, David. Tu meke... I love how my boys love you. I love how my mob love you. I know it's early days yet but I'm wishing and hoping and dreaming and if the old people fuck this up on me, I'm go postal on those munted dead fucks."

She shivers against me like the admission just cost her all her dignity.

"For us, Hahana. Wish for both of us. 'We' deserve it. Now go wash your smelly arse." I laugh and pull her even closer. "Go on now. I want you powerful and confident like when you walked in."

"See..." She turns away and starts wandering down the hall. "Too perfect."

"Towels in the linen hamper. Robe in the-"

"I've already snooped through your whole house arsehole. I don't need instructions!"

/`--------------------------------<><

"We didn't fuck."

"Nope and you snore too."

"Too much port."

"Great snuggles though. If snuggling ever becomes an Olympic sport, I see gold in your future. How can you tell though?"

"Tell what?"

"That we didn't fuck. I mean you're naked and we're in the same bed and-"

"Shit!" She lifts the covers and confirms it. "How did I even get- I don't remember coming to bed."

"You fell asleep on the couch. I tried to carry you in, but you woke up and stripped naked on your way down the hall. It was quite a show. You're very beautiful without your clothes on."

"Shut up and cuddle me a bit." She wriggles back against me and I'm hard before I have a chance to take a breath. "Er..."

"He likes you."

"I like him. Shut up. My head hurts. If you can't go back to sleep, go make coffee and breakfast. I need big breaky's. This big dinner thing is gonna make me into a cow." She stretches and I feel one hand snake back and rub my dick before she grumps, "Don't laugh at me!"

"Coco-pops. I'm laughing about Coco-pops."

"What?"

"Coco-pops. That's my usual dinner. Ordinarily, I have a bit of fish or steak and some vegies for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and cereal for dinner. I feel like I've put on about six kilos in the last two days."

"Coffee! Are you deaf?"

"Stat, my queen."

"Princess. I'm not married."

Bacon smells fill the house and the coffee machine makes it's gurgling noises. She startles me when I turn to plate the bacon and eggs. I hadn't heard her take a seat at the island bench. Her smile lights her whole face and mischief twinkles again in her eyes.

"Coffee." She tells me and puts on a growly voice. "It drinks the coffee, then it does the morning."

"Et Viola." I pass her my favourite mug. It's earthenware from a pottery up in Maleny and holds enough coffee to kick start my working morning. "The view from my kitchen is certainly spectacular this morning."

Her lips curl and cheeks dimple as she sits across from me; obviously still naked under the loose, hastily thrown on robe but she just sips coffee and holds my eyes as the robe spills most of her out for my appreciation.

"I can't believe I let you see me like this." She eventually laughs nervously. "I mean seriously, it's like the bloody amazon down there. There are probably undiscovered pygmy tribes wandering around talking to David Attenborough. Here cuzzy Dave, you seen this old crumbling temple bro?"

"Haha, I like it. You look like a woman. I've never been one for the Brazilian kind of thing. Bit creepy for me."

Her cheeks are a blushed kind of rosy-brown. "Good to know. You weren't supposed to see me until tonight. I have... salon and doctor appointments today. Amara and I were talking yesterday and she hooked me up with her people at the plaza."

Placing a piled-up plate of toast, bacon, eggs, a sausage, some baked beans and a fried tomato in front of her we both laugh as her tummy grumbles loudly. "God that looks awesome. I could get used to this."

"I hope so." I surprise myself with the admission as I take my seat.

"Are you sure, David? I mean really sure? I'm really enjoying this whole getting to know each other thing. I really like you but..."

"But?"

"I'm an all or nothing kind of package deal. There is baggage. And right now, you're just looking at-" She waves at her body. "I come with two boys and history. There are other things... and if I offer you my body you need to know it comes with all my heart and all of my trust. And you could really hurt me. So do some thinking today, David. And not with him."

She points her fork toward my lap after putting another mouthful of breakfast in and groaning. "So good."

We eat silently after that for a while; I'm just enjoying the view and the meal she looks deep in thought.

"Penny for them." I prod.

"Bus stop? Is it still up the end on Tarcoola?"

"They don't stop there anymore. Down on Brisbane Road now. Why's that?"

"Amara's working today so I have to make my own way up to Maroochydore."

"Oh!" I snatch the list of the fridge and cross out 'Subaru'.

"What's that?" I pass it to her and she studies it as she finishes her coffee. "The boxes in the shed. That was Catherine and Juliette's stuff?"

"Yeah, it'd been sitting there for years."

"What's Subaru mean?"

"Our holiday house car. It's been sitting in the garage for years now. I pay the rego, insurance and it just sits there. It's yours whenever you're home."

"Bullshit, I can't do that."

"You can and you will. It's just a car and it needs to be used or it's a complete waste of money."

"I won't."

"It would make me happy to see it used. Trust me it's not that flash really. It's about twelve years old and-"

She interrupts me leaning across and kissing me on the lips. Then she stands unashamedly letting the robe fall open and gathers up our empty plates and mugs and wanders to the sink.

"Stunning." I mumble and adjust myself so that she notices the affect she's having on me.

"Can I borrow some clothes. I should get home and see the boys off to school. Fishing again this arvo? Please? I know it's usually every second day, but I really loved the family time."

"Milf."

"Excuse me? The fuck did you..? Did you seriously call me a milf?" She stands with her hands on her hips and her breasts point accusingly at me, matching the dark scowl on her beautiful face.

"Man. I. Love. Fishing." I winked at her and counted off the words on my fingers, "It's a date, gorgeous. Oh, help yourself to clothes."

Watching her walk away down the hall I marvel at her body as she cheekily lets the robe drop from her arms and shoulders. I don't know women's sizes but she's curvy and strong with long muscled arms and legs and she moves like a swaying cobra. Dark tattoos wind their way up her thigh and onto her back exaggerating the flow of her curves.

When she returns, I have to stop myself from laughing. "My clothes have never looked that good on me."

She looks down at my baggy footy shorts and the Mambo t-shirt that she is positively swimming in, "I like this shirt. I might steal it for sleeping when I'm away. Hey, your list. What do you have to talk to Nikko and Amara about?"

"Oh, I hadn't really thought it through but there was this hot Maori mum I wanted to take on a real date. I was hoping they'd look after her kids for her."

"Ooh. A Milf hey? A bit rude just presuming she'd go on a date with you." She smirks. "Besides, I heard she just likes the fishing dates plenty."

"So, she wouldn't like a child-free evening? Maybe dinner and-" Hana interrupts me by kissing me quickly again.

"I told you David, I'm a package deal. Besides, I really should spend a bit more time with the boys. I fly out again on Sunday and the time will feel like it's just gone and I can't get it back. I don't need you to be extravagant and romantic, just be you. Now, I have to-" She points at the door. "Get these fellas to school and see about some local deforestation. Kiss me well enough to last the day out?"

"Oh my god, David. What you do to me." She shakes her head and draws in deep heavy breaths when we part. "It's not as obvious as him downstairs, but here, give me-"

She bites her bottom lip and her eyes look hungrily into mine as she pushes my hand down the front of the loose footy shorts. I feel her fingers slide mine over the heat of her mound and lower until I find her slick and hot. Her hand insists on mine and pushes two fingers through the wet channel of her sex until they nudge against her opening.

"Oh god, I better go or..." She giggles and almost skips on her brisk walk to the door.

I stand and watch the door she's closed behind her for far too long. Then without even thinking about it, my fingers find my face and I drink in the musk of her. God, how long has it been since I've smelled that aroused woman smell? And never one quite the same as Hana. My nostrils flare as I etch her smell into my memories.

I'm still half operating on autopilot after that sweet goodbye as I make my way to the bathroom. As I pass each room on my trip down the hall, they mock me. There is an emptiness in this space that I hadn't really taken notice of before. We never got around to furnishing them properly. The couple of times that we had stayed here, we all slept in the one room. Lulu was little and usually made her way into our bed anyway.

But now they look so empty.

Shopping is on my list and an idea starts gelling as I attend to the three morning 's' functions. There is a long moment while I look at my fingers in the shower and decide whether to wash them. By the time I've shaved and splashed a little aftershave on, I'm fairly certain on how I'll spend my day.

/`--------------------------------<><

The delivery van pulled out of the driveway just after two. It had been a very busy morning down in Kawana furniture shopping. Now, I just have to assemble everything. The coast house is a low set four-bedroom brick place. One of those bedrooms is my room. Another is my office and the other two were to be a guest room and Juliette's room. They've sat empty for the last ten years.

Sweat rolls down my forehead and stings in the corner of my eyes as I finish making the bunk beds. Putting everything together was the simple part; placing mattresses, fitting sheets and doona covers really got a sweat happening. I've earned my afternoon beers today, but the rooms look great.

There is a bookshelf now full with Catherine's books and a few extras I picked up from a second hand bookstore. A toy box sits in the other corner. It's fairly empty but there are a few of Juliette's old transformer trucks in it that I salvaged from the rubbish and cleaned up.

The guest room has a double ensemble now and there is linen in the built in cupboards. A small desk sits in front of the window with a laptop on it. It all feels fairly spartan and sparse, but I can imagine people in these spaces now. The emptiness no longer gnaws at me as it used to whenever I opened the doors to the empty rooms.

"Getting waaaay ahead of yourself old mate." I mock the small imagination of the people I can see in these spaces. They have honey brown skin and big brown eyes full of mischief. I know who they are but I'm denying it to myself. "Way too soon, wanker."

That same old wave of guilty hope washes through me and I pretend to myself it's still sweat stinging my eyes. The noise of a car in the cul-de-sac outside brings me back to the here and now.

"You would have loved them, darlin." I tell Catherine's picture where it sits on my bedside table. "Come with me. I have an idea."

It's only a small picture from one of our flower hunts out near Noccundra. Juliette is giggling and showering a laughing Catherine with yellow wildflowers. I don't know what they were called and that fact mocks me, but this is how my heart remembers them. This snapshot of our family is enough to wash away the horror and grief most times I look at it.

"How would you ladies like to sit right up here. That way you can watch me- watch me try- make a life- hope it's even half of what- Just watch. I love you both."

There's a little shelf in the kitchen above the fridge and I imagine from there you can see the whole inside of the house and out to the pool. Also, I can probably see this picture from anywhere in the house. And now. Maybe now I don't have to hide this in the bedroom. Maybe now I can answer questions about who the people in the photograph are if I have visitors. Maybe now, I can answer proudly and without the tears and stuttered sentences, "That's my wife Catherine and my daughter Juliette. I loved them so very much, but they've passed on now. There was a horrible accident, but this is how I remember them."

I must have been so caught up in my reverie that I didn't hear myself say that last bit out loud or the garage door or the car pull in, but strong arms wrap around me from behind and sweet lips kiss my neck. Small arms wrap around each thigh and Hana tells me quietly, "They'll love it up there. They can watch your happiness. I'm proud of them. I hope I look as happy as they do in that picture one day."

"They're very pretty." Hunter tells me. "Look at all those flowers."

"The boys wanted a swim to cool off. I hope it's ok?"

"Sure."

"What are all the boxes of junk in the garage, Uncle Davo."

"Oh, I've been fixing up the spare rooms. You want to have a look, Thomas?"

I showed them the room with the bunks first and laughed as they clambered up the ladder and both declared that the top bunk was theirs.

"Oh, swoit bruh!" Thomas declared when he found the toybox. "Hunter, these cars are fully sick. Look."

Hunter just stood and looked up at me suspiciously, "Who this room for, Uncle Davo?"

"I thought it would be good for when Mum has sleepovers if you guys could stay too?"

An angry Hana scruffed my shirt and spat, "Shut up. Right now." Then she turned back to the boys and said, "Stay here. Davo and I got talking to do."

"Don't you dare..." She pushes me against the hall wall when the door closes to the boy's room.

"Hana. Tell me what I did. Help me understand. Why are you angry?"

"Fuck." Her wild eyes burn fiercely into mine. "You got no right you know? You work your way right into us. They love you! They fucking love you, Davo. They... I'm a big girl. A big bitch. I fought battles you couldn't fucking imagine. I can guard my own heart but they kids! Kids Davo! You don't get to play games with kids. You fucking think real hard right now. You can't back down on promises, you have to show, every fucking day! This isn't a game. You know? You hear me?"

She stares at me for a long time. Her lovely breasts rise and fall with her contained anger. I try to understand. Perhaps I was presumptuous. Perhaps I over-reached; let my imagination get the best of me. Allowed myself to imagine a home that was busy with family now and then. Got ahead of myself.