Vertigo Milf

We wasted the morning after she dropped the boys and Jo-jo off to school with some swimming and laughter. Basically, we lazed around in the pool and groped each other while making small talk and just enjoying the intimacy. I learned some more about her as she spoke about the convenor position and the challenges she was facing in the wake of the outgoing convenor. Somehow, he'd managed to put a lot of people offside and while her stores and kitchen were operating well, there was a whole lot of politics to navigate.

She got tired of talking about herself and asked about my accountant appointment.

"I'm not sure really. Catherine had superannuation and a couple of other things going on and I've just not wanted to deal with it. I keep on top of the family trust, Ebby and Tan mostly run that and my own stuff is simple. But Dudley has been at me for ages to get a hold of Catherine's things and make some changes. It's time I guess."

"Never really had enough money to worry about that sort of stuff. Fuck, this is the first time my bank account has more money in it than I need for the next couple of weeks. "

"I'm not rich, Hana. Everything is tied up and busy. I do ok but."

"I'm rich." She smiles and slides slippery caramel skin over me in a languid hug. "I got beautiful healthy kids, a good mob and a lovely man. I'm gilt, cuzzy."

/`--------------------------<><

Turbulence.

Her fingers squirm between mine as she laughs. They've wriggled right in between mine and our bodies refuse to let them separate. Our feet fall as lightly as our hearts dance along the boardwalk beside the beach. There's no agenda. I don't really remember how we ended up here holding hands like they belong so tightly snuggled that super glue may have been involved. All I know is that some wall has started leaking and Hana is spilling out.

The accountant appointment was surprising. That's what started us talking. I admitted that I'd been ignoring Catherine's stuff because I was just trying to deny it was my responsibility and the root cause of that was because I was stuck in that grief denial pit. When I found Hana's welcome smile and those eyes that held me so buoyantly with a joy that made me think I should maybe warn 'her' about pedestals, I'd made some peace and enjoyed a few unexpected surprises that told me I'd maybe underestimated Catherine a little.

"It's like she had one last bit of a 'zing' at me, you know. She always had to have the last word." I surprised myself by laughing.

"I already love this woman, spill cuz." She took my arm and put it around her shoulder.

"There's like... I've wasted so much money cause I've been hiding. She'd punch me in the dick. Jesus."

"I'll punch you in the dick for her." Hana's laugh makes me laugh harder.

"I've been paying almost thirty-five percent tax averaged out on it all cause... she died so it's not super anymore and the investments... I'm such a wanker."

"Not anymore, I got him downstairs all hooked up, spunky."

"So, I'm just embarrassed. Relieved as well." I shrugged. I was worried I'd have tax bills. "So... Oh this isn't nice... It's raw... It's life. Um... We had a miscarriage. It's hard to explain to people, we were so excited with the pregnancy. Another little girl. We hadn't started telling people yet, but we'd been for an ultrasound and had started putting money away and then..."

Hana's lips scrunch tightly and her fingers in mine hold almost painfully.

"It's not as easy as... For us it was real grief. A real lost baby and we tried really hard to help each other up out of the heap we fell in. We had a room painted pink..."

"Keep talking David. I'm listening. Just struggling with my own ghosts. Keep talking please." Her eyes smile with pain and beg me.

"They told her she had some kind of... Cysto-thing... I don't remember the big words now and that we mightn't have any more kids. We spent a lot of time wallowing in that... I wasn't much help. I hurt a lot... Was a bit of dick. Threw myself into work and the farm and-"

"Shh. They forgive you." Her fingers squeeze me like a little hug.

"She started an ivf fund. Cath called Dudley one day and set it up. Haha. She was such an optimist. So goddamn positive."

"A safety net. I like how she thinks."

"She knew ivf could run into tens of thousands, so she squirrelled away all this money from crazy projects I didn't even know she had. I mean, I knew she had an e-bay store to sell off old antique farm stuff and odds and sods, but she made thousands. Dudley showed me income streams from selling wildflower seeds, she had a dedicated ebay store, and there was google advertising funding going into it from different media channels where she shared mum-stuff and farming things."

"You never knew?"

"She showed me videos now and then; I'm probably in some, haha. But I thought that was just for her friends and our family. She also worked the cultivation and some years she'd put thirty or forty thousand of grain money in. I just ran the diesel bills through the cattle books, so her cheques went straight in."

"Sounds like a lot of money. I've never had that much money to be smart about. Even when Mum passed and we... Well, Ricky looked after that. Wasn't much left. Enough for a few thousand each." Hana frowned and swung my hand in hers as we walked. "So, what are you going to do with her money?"

"Well for now, Dudley's investing it in some short-term markets while I work it out. How did your Mum die? Oh, sorry... that's."

"Old age. She was almost fifty when I was born. Don't be sorry. We were all there and she kind of just went to sleep in the hospital bed. She got to say goodbye to everyone. Was kind of beautiful really. So, it was a lot of money then? Shit. Not even my business, David. I'm sorry."

"Not really, two hundred and forty-eight thousand, nine hundred and twenty-six dollars."

Hana stops me and shakes me by the shirt while she laughs. "Not a lot, cuz? Heahea much? You should be stoked, spunky."

"Yeah, it's good but it's a responsibility now."

"Did she have any unfinished projects? Maybe you could finish one for her."

"The sheep... She loved the sheep. We have four five-acre cells under the ironbark stand where there's always good grass. She bought a Texel ram to put across our dorper-damara girls. Was right into it; Catherine had big plans of breeding up a good meat sheep. I haven't had time to do much with it though. Tanya sells the lambs and now and then I butcher a hogget for them when they need. Just... Time, Hana. I don't have time. The business keeps me here now, and the girls run the block. I don't know. I'll work something out."

She leans across and pecks me on the cheek as we stroll slowly along. "I know. You always thinking. Haha."

Her smile falls and she watches the boards as our thongs flap on our heels. We reach a little lookout over the dunes and she pulls me under the shade of some trees and stares out over the calm waves at this end of the beach for a long while. Boldy, I take the opportunity to hold her snugly from behind despite the warmth of the day. Her long hair whips back in the breeze and the smell of skin and breath threatens to harden me.

"I'm sorry about the miscarriage."

"It's a long time ago. Not really something people talk about, it's... I don't know."

She nods slowly, rubbing her head against my neck. "I had a miscarriage after Hunter. I don't know if it was a little boy or a girl. It was too early. Just a big mess and a like you said, a broken heart."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring-"

"It's good. I don't talk about it or anything else to do with Hunter's Dad. He's not my mob and I don't want him remembered."

I don't have anything useful to say, so I rub her bare brown shoulders as she gathers thoughts.

"I want you to know me though David, so I want you to know some of it. His name was Jason Peters. I don't ever want to hear it, or say it again, but I want you to know it in case he is ever a threat to my boys. His club name was Tic Tac. You asked about the skin on my shoulder." She rubbed it and reminded me of the rough patch of skin on her left upper arm.

"When I told him I was done; clear and through with him and the Mongrels, he beat me. It wasn't the first time, but I told him it was the last so he could either kill me or let me go."

"Jesus."

"He knocked me down with an elbow to the back of my head and duct taped my hands and feet. I was almost passed out. Then he came back with a belt sander and did that to my arm. I had a bulldog there. A club tatt. Then he kicked me and punched me on and off for the rest of the night. He made fun of me asking why I hadn't left yet and who was coming to pick me up. Called me all sorts of things. Accused me of fucking half the club. Offered me to the boys."

"Fuck."

She turns and snuggles hard against me despite our sweaty skin and the oppressive breezeless canopy of dune trees. Then we walk again and her fingers hold mine like a life-line.

"I passed out eventually and some of the boys who were there must have dumped me outside the hospital. Three broken ribs." She takes my hand and runs it down the left side of her torso. "I needed skin grafts on my arm and I lost the baby."

"There were people there? And they-"

"Just watched. I was just property. He could have killed me and they wouldn't have interfered. But he didn't and they didn't want the drama, so they dumped me out of a moving car in the emergency bay."

"Jason Peters." I taste it and burn it into my soul. I have a contact in Police Headquarters who is helpful with work. Maybe she can... "Tic Tac?"

"Like the little breath mint. Like a little pill."

"You said he was big, though."

"He made people disappear like a bullet. Like a little kill-pill. And he always carried a rattling box of the fucking things around everywhere."

"Is that why Ricky's in jail? Did he-"

"Oh, him and Stevo both. They found him, okay. Left him proper munted. There was big trouble between the Mongrels and Bandidos for months after. Ricky did six months over it and lost his job on the wharves. Stevo slid by cause Ricky took the drop."

"Good." I seethe with a thing I recognise as protective anger.

"But no, Ricky's in jail because the local club here dropped him in for a drug thing. It was the president's son's gear, but they dropped Ricky in 'cause he was leaving the club anyhow. It's pointless now cause of the bikie laws and he just wanted out. Two years this go round and then he's done with the club for good. You can see why I want my boys right away from that life."

"Clearly."

"Come on. Hold my hand and buy me some prawns down the shops, eh? I'll make us and the kids some sandwiches for dinner."

We were standing right out on the rock wall opposite Point Cartwright. I'd been so distracted by the depth of conversation that I hadn't noticed our progress.

"Here, spunky." She smiled at me and pulled me closer to kiss me. "You know how many people know that whole story?"

I shook my head.

"Mara," she pokes my chest with her index finger, then pokes me again with each name that followed, "Stevo, Ricky, Nikau, Me..." She fixes me with furious brown eyes, "and now you."

"It's your story Hana. Thank you for trusting me."

"Haha," She giggles and winks, "Just trying to scare you off white boy. Now come on, get the princess her prawns, eh?"

We spent that afternoon like any other new couple, walking, talking, holding hands and soaking up new things about each other. I left her at the school gates in Meta Street and carried our bags of odds and ends home while she attended her parent teacher interview.

"First time I seen you carting bags and smiling," My neighbour, Isaac grunts from his letterbox as I pass.

"Needed some groceries, Isaac. How's the lawn?" Isaac is a retired cotton farmer who seems to have turned retirement into an occupation; tending his lawn instead of a thousand acres of irrigation. He does so as finickily as he once manages fertilisers, bug counts, chemicals and moisture.

"Hmmph." He looks up from his moisture probe and addresses me curtly, "Been a bit of noise and shenanigans coming from your joint of late."

"Yeah," I shrug thinking of the kids laughing and enjoying the pool.

"Well now. It looks damn good on you, son. 'Her indoors' said to let you know a pillow over the face can help keep some of the louder exclamations from disturbing old girls who aren't getting nearly so much attention anymore." His generous smile betrayed his dry delivery. "We're happy for you lad. Good to hear some family noises in the neighbourhood. Do you have any of that Chlorpyrifos left? Can't buy it in the god damn shops anymore and that Bifenthrin is worth bull's tits on these lawn grubs."

"Might have a drop or two. You know where I keep it. Help yourself old mate."

"I would have, but didn't want to walk in on something that would cause an old gentleman a heart attack."

I looked up and down the street then asked, "You seen any 'old gentlemen' around lately, mate?"

"Not for yonks, lad." He laughed and followed me the short way home.

/`-------------------------<><

Before I knew it, it was Saturday morning and I was kissing a smiling Maori princess on the forehead, trying not to wake her. "Don't tell Hana," I whispered smiling, "But I'm going to miss the fuck out of her."

She smiled in her sleep and almost opened an eye, "You're fucked white boy. I love you too."

It was mumbled. Half of me believed deliberately, so she could claim to be sleep-talking later. It echoed while I fuelled the plane, checked off logs and finalised flight plans. Then I sailed over patchwork quilts of forestry and farmland and my heart flew as high as the little Cessna.

I wasn't expecting turbulence. But then I don't suppose you ever do. You just try to react calmly and ride it out.

"Who the fuck is Hana and why am I hearing, ooh Hana and ah Hana from Mum's all week? Why didn't you tell me about her? Is she pretty? Is that why? You never fucking ring anymore David! What am I, like old spaghetti boll that you just reheat when you want. I fucking hate you. Don't talk to me."

Tanya had picked me up from the airport in Roma and I don't think she was expecting that reception either. Her mouth is open in shock and Ebony stands on the low verandah chuckling and shies away as a furious Kat stomp past.

"Um, well yeah... I guess... that maybe... err... Kat's got issues with you moving along." Tan says steadily beside me. "Didn't anticipate-"

She's interrupted by Kat's window slamming open and a raging face parting the curtains to scream, "Well hurry up and run after your niece and pretend you care why her heart's broken, arsehole! I want cuddles!"

"Hahaha, drama queen much?" Tan laughs. "Go on, she's probably shit off cause she's out of the loop. You know she loves you, Davo. You're like her... Eww... Cis thing. Surrogate Dad. Go on."

When I knock on Kat's door, it opens quickly and her arms wrap around me like an octopus. "You deserved that Uncle Dave. I really am happy for you but you're sposed to talk to me. You should be ringing to tell me about her. All I know is a picture Mum's showed me. She's really pretty."

All that was grumbled into my chest as she hugged me tightly. "Now sit down, I'll get beer and you can tell me all about her. Don't go anywhere." The last is issued as a stern warning with fingers pointed and frowns distributed.

Kat returned moments later and handed me a beer while opening one for herself. Catching my raised eyebrow she smirks and says, "Shh... I'm almost fourteen and anyway, Mum's let me have one now and then. Now spill. Does she kiss good?"

I laugh at that earning a frown, "Exceptionally, Kat."

"She's super pretty. Is that why you like her?"

"I've... Well, when I first looked at her yes, but there's... She's smart Kat, and tough, and then she's soft. She's all sorts of things. Pretty on the inside when you get past her defences too."

"Ohhh, you're so in love with her." Kat laughs and rolls her eyes. "What does it feel like? Is it better than a crush. I've crushed on a few boys but that was like gooey puppy love. Is it like when you were married to Aunty 'C'? I always wanted someone to love me like you loved her."

"Not the same, bub. It's... It's new. Catherine and I got past all the new stuff and got into the comfortable, um..."

"I get it. Like Mum's. They're so gross for each other but not all over each other all the time, thank god. When can I meet her? Oh, and she's got little boys?"

"Thomas and Hunter. Thomas is in grade three and Hunter just started school this year. When Hana gets back from work in a couple of weeks, I'm going to bring them out. Jo-jo will probably come along too, she goes everywhere with her cousins. Kind of a package deal."

"Oh, you got it bad, Uncle Dave. You're even smiling when you think about her kids. I always wanted a little brother, but Mum T says she's too old now and Mum E says she can't afford it. I can tell she wants another baby but. They argue quietly about it sometimes. They don't like me to hear when they disagree, but I always know."

"Surely Ebby has a bit put away?"

"Enough for the ivf but Mum's worry about the time off. I don't know. It's big though. It's the only thing they really fight about. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that. Show me their pictures. I'm not jealous. I know you love me. I was just being a brat so I could get you to myself for a bit."

She launches herself to sit on my lap and takes my phone out of my pocket, deftly opening it using my pin.

"Hey!" I object.

"Pff, it's the same pin you use for everything. Lulu's birthday. Eleven oh-four oh-eight." She giggles and then she gasps. "Eww, maybe I wasn't meant to see that one. Here, you better do this."

There's only one risqué picture in my gallery and that's a shot I snapped as a topless Hana got out of the pool one afternoon. The sunset reflected beautifully on her caramel skin and her big brown eyes smiled cheekily at the camera.

"I'm scarred for life now Uncle Dave." She chuckles. "God she is hot though. If I was like Mum's I'd go for her."

We spent another half an hour or so while I showed Kat pictures of the boys and she milked me for as much information about them as she could.

"Okay then." She stood and kissed my cheek. "Now I feel included again. Let's go check the cattle. There are fifty-two stores in the yard. We drafted off the younger ones and left them in the home paddock in case you thought one or two of them were ready. Here..."

She handed me her empty and giggled, "I told Mum's they were both for you."

Ebby and I sit much later, on the little verandah and brave the mosquitos and bugs. Tan and Kat are wrecked from a hot afternoon at the yards sorting, checking ear tags and ensuring the young cattle were fit to load. Ebby has just finished cleaning up after dinner and I've finalised all the documentation that has to accompany the cattle tomorrow.

My skin is salty with dried sweat, my body aches but the physical exhaustion feels damn good. I spend most of the time at home in my head. Work is all thinking. Home has been a lot of thinking and emotions lately. It's refreshing to be so worn out that my mind just dances with the cicada song and floats on the soughing evening breeze.

Ebby reached for my hand and we sat and just enjoyed the closeness like we did as children.

"What's this about ivf? Kat says you and Tan are struggling with something."

"Oh..." She takes a long sip of beer and stares off into the bright night sky. Her hand releases mine and she rubs her collar bones like she always did when she was thinking about something big.

"I'm almost thirty-seven. Tick tock, you know. But..."

"Kat may have overheard something about money."