All Comments on 'Wake Up Lisa Mitchell Ch. 01-02'

Not much in this setup, but I believe this top heavy wife is going to do some bad things in the next chapter.

Loist me at "enhanced 34F" breasts. What kind of bizarre person would do that to themselves?

And Lisa the cheater gets nothing.

Not bad for a start. The only thing I'd like to say is do you like watching movies? Would you want the story to stop and make you come back another day to see more or the rest of it? That's how a lot of us feel about stoping for each chapter. I lose interest even when it's a good story. I'm sure I can't be the only one that feels this way. So, my advice is to write your story to the end. That way you have a little more time to reread it and get a few others to read and make suggestions or have an editor do it. But publish it completely. You don't see Steven King putting out one chapter at a time, do you? Just sayin'. Good luck and don't give up. I would have loved to keep reading to see what happens.

Sorry, this isn't very good. The story jumps around, like this line: "How do you like working with Lisa?" Who is talking, and to whom? You set up some problems but didn't carry them through.

Except for being told to dress sexier, I see no big decision on her part. You have a blackmail tag, SOMETHING should have happened here that her boss could be blackmailing her for.

LW is a very hard genre to come up with new material to write about . Most themes have been written about in some form. I see this one going where she becomes the office whore and screws her boss to save her family or she sees the light and her morals won’t let her betray her vows and her family. Seems to be one tragic event after another befalling this family. I’ll give you a B+ because it takes some balls to write in Literotica. You will get the same bullshit trolls that all the authors get from the Anons who have never written anything but their name and probably misspelled that. Get an editor who will guide you to be a better writer. Good luck

The next cuckold crap where the daughter and the whore sell sex and the husband does nothing but watch! What a bullshit!

I see a guy setting up a lot of pins behind the scenes to take down her family and make her susceptible to the masterminds manipulations. This won't go well.

Telegraphing the coming parts way too clearly.

Nothing subtle, its literally a baseball bat to the face.

Another writer tried a huge multi-part Alpha Corp story where the end was right there in the beginning. Sorry.

Keep da burgers flipped and yeah, yo talent free.

And we know where this is leading. To a very bad story.

I was expecting a story that would be somewhat realistic. My hopes were dashed after reading that the wife has an enhanced bust of 34f. Then I read how the Personal Banker dressed for her public position by wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Upon entering the bank she is greeted by a bank manager who calls her 'sexy'. After she gets to her desk the first thing she does is to take off her blazer thus ensuring she receives the lustful gaze of the horny manager who treats married women as a special target.

Realistic left the building quite a while ago.

Not a good writer. 1 star. Advise you to read some of the higher rated stories about your subject matter, and then write something.

Looking forward to the next part

you will get better, but next Chapter?

Do you know how heavy they are or how much her back would hurt or even how much they would sag? This was written by someone with no knowledge of female anatomy or even someone who’s had sex.

If you’re going to write bullshit, make it believable. Not the adolescent fantasies of a 14 year old boy.

Not sure how to score this as I don't want to put you off. Why make her a size f going to work without a bra. It would work better if she written as a wholesome and somewhat naive woman with a normal chest size. However, as others have already said this storyline has been done before and if it turns out as another cuck story you will get hammered in the comments. Maybe you have something different in mind? Also, why would a husband who is obviously clever and was ready for a senior role become a drunk getting jailed? I do think you should finish this story in one more chapter with the predator getting found out and suitable punishment delivered. Perhaps after having just a little success in his seduction. No score until I read the next and I hope, final chapter.

One Star for this trash. Do us all a favor and stop writing.

Seems most earlier critics were on the warpath.

Could this 1st chapter have been better? Yes.

Could it have been worse? Yes, lots of. There even could have been none at all.

I am a reader not a writer (of fiction) and appreciate anyone that can imagine, complete writing and make readable a chapter plot line - or even better a full story. Moreover, genre bias seems to have been added on top.

Think except for some small exceptions - like the comment suggesting a more realistic bra size and making more efforts to make the cliche like plot line more Your own - there was little constructive criticism. My suggestion, better be persistent than perfect. Carry on and hopefully get a better feeling with more practice how to add to atmosphere and some more creative plot and action scenes ideas. Use this free site as it is meant to be, ie to gather experience to develop Your voice.

I know it's fiction, but even Saddletramp keeps an eye on reality.

Before anything has happened Mark is greeting her at the office as sexy... phone call to HR (which she has talked about) would be 1st order of business.

Others have mentioned a braless F cup...

You need to learn about scene and POV switching.

The talk with the teller was downright confusing.

Dialogue went from stilted to unrealistic. Learn how people talk.

Paragraphs were not split into paragraphs properly, you need to read up on them too.

It feels like you have no idea how an office works.

I know this is an amateur writer site, but there are too many free resources, both for writing and learning different topics, available to use 'free' as an excuse for something as poorly constructed as this.

Other comments have already covered most of the issues. Point to remember: The chances are that Selby, being a University Student (NOT a school girl) is at least 18 and therefore NOT a child. She is an ADULT in her own right. No University/College would refer to her as a "child". In fact they would NOT be writing to you at all. SHE is responsible for herself, as an adult.

It's so weird that so many writers in Literotica fail to comprehend this and treat Uni/College students as children. Anyway, keep writing. The practice can only lead to improvement if you take on board the constructive criticism. Cheers.

Wow! The comments are both negative and positive. You have an interesting, slightly different plot, and it can be extended and improved if you follow many of the constructive criticisms. Since you've posted another twenty chapters, ios assume your writing has improved as have your scores. Keep the story going.

on to the next chapter.