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Click here"Hey, Mom."
"Shelby?"
"How are you doing? Where's dad?"
"I'm fine, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at college?"
"Well, I have some bad news."
"What is it, sweetie?"
"Here you go," Shelby handed her mother an envelope and went upstairs to her room.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell,
Under Section 13.0 of our University's Rights and Responsibilities Handbook, I am writing to notify you that your daughter Shelby Mitchel has been accused of violating sections 13.4.2. The reasons for this violation are as follows: Vandalisms to the personal property of our staff.
The hearing to determine the severity of punishment will be held at the end of the semester. Until then, your child is not allowed to step foot on the premises unless accompanied by you. Your child will also not have the opportunity to receive educational services that will enable your child to make academic progress toward reaching statewide and local requirements through the school's education service plan... Please note that you have up to ten (10) business days to sign and return this document, else the expulsion will go into effect immediately...
"Shelby! What the hell did you do?" Lisa yelled. Her buzz from happy hour was gone.
"Nothing mom!"
"Shelby, get down here right now, what is this?"
According to her daughter, it was a school prank that got her in trouble. With her husband in jail, her daughter facing expulsion, and her job in jeopardy. Lisa knew what decisions she had to make to save her family.
- COMMENTS
mitchawa3 months agoWow! The comments are both negative and positive. You have an interesting, slightly different plot, and it can be extended and improved if you follow many of the constructive criticisms. Since you've posted another twenty chapters, ios assume your writing has improved as have your scores. Keep the story going.
LenardSpencerover 3 years agoOther comments have already covered most of the issues. Point to remember: The chances are that Selby, being a University Student (NOT a school girl) is at least 18 and therefore NOT a child. She is an ADULT in her own right. No University/College would refer to her as a "child". In fact they would NOT be writing to you at all. SHE is responsible for herself, as an adult.
It's so weird that so many writers in Literotica fail to comprehend this and treat Uni/College students as children. Anyway, keep writing. The practice can only lead to improvement if you take on board the constructive criticism. Cheers.
Anonymousover 3 years agoI know it's fiction, but even Saddletramp keeps an eye on reality.
Before anything has happened Mark is greeting her at the office as sexy... phone call to HR (which she has talked about) would be 1st order of business.
Others have mentioned a braless F cup...
You need to learn about scene and POV switching.
The talk with the teller was downright confusing.
Dialogue went from stilted to unrealistic. Learn how people talk.
Paragraphs were not split into paragraphs properly, you need to read up on them too.
It feels like you have no idea how an office works.
I know this is an amateur writer site, but there are too many free resources, both for writing and learning different topics, available to use 'free' as an excuse for something as poorly constructed as this.
Anonymousover 3 years agoSeems most earlier critics were on the warpath.
Could this 1st chapter have been better? Yes.
Could it have been worse? Yes, lots of. There even could have been none at all.
I am a reader not a writer (of fiction) and appreciate anyone that can imagine, complete writing and make readable a chapter plot line - or even better a full story. Moreover, genre bias seems to have been added on top.
Think except for some small exceptions - like the comment suggesting a more realistic bra size and making more efforts to make the cliche like plot line more Your own - there was little constructive criticism. My suggestion, better be persistent than perfect. Carry on and hopefully get a better feeling with more practice how to add to atmosphere and some more creative plot and action scenes ideas. Use this free site as it is meant to be, ie to gather experience to develop Your voice.
