All Comments on 'Watching - Full'

Not a bad effort. A brief change in pov at one point, and one scene led into another without a break, so that was confusing for a moment. Otherwise a passable if predictable story. The biggest problem for me though was too many clichés; the saintly husband who just happens to also be a marshal arts expert, the smarmy fuckwit, the beautiful single woman who's been secretly in love with her hero waiting patiently in the background.

But the biggest one: the single braincell wife. I wonder just how many times a woman has calmly announced that she is spending the night with another man, and actually thought it wouldn't effect their marriage? Certainly not as often as the loving wives authors would have us believe.

Incidentally, Katie's love was described as unconditional at one point, I think a better word would be obsessive.

4*

Thanks, enjoyed the story.

Would have liked to know the wife's thought processes leading up to the final meet at the party. Was she really that stupid?

I liked it

I liked….

I like that you asked for criticisms and opinions. You mentioned an all American steak and a Bud, so my mind assumed it was a story based in the USA. Then there was a mention of a district in the legal problems that came about when Phil (I) flogged the guy, so then I had no idea where the story took place as it didn't quite seem to fit with any one country..

My problem was mostly with your tenses. Most of the time it was in present tense which is a really bad tense for a story. Now and then you lapsed into past tense, which is far easier to write and to read. You had Phil become 'I', as in first person story telling. You cannot bounce from first person to third person in story telling, although you did exactly that. I have made, and continue to make, many errors in stories but I usually get POVs and tenses right. Names are my downfall. Keep posting and I'll continue reading. Thanks for the hard work.

Normally I prefer longer, more fleshed out stories. Oddly this one seemed better in the shorter version.

I accept the premise that the wife needs to make the right decision on her own. But, after 19 years married and 20 together he's just going to sit back and watch the trainwreck unfold and make no effort to save his marriage?

A year's worth of her disrespecting him is mentioned, we're given one example but, no follow up. It was almost like that was mentioned to justify him not trying to save the marriage. Plus, that length of time with her being disrespectful doesn't seem to add up with the time "fuckwit" has been seducing her.

The story has potential. I wanted to like it. But, all of the elements never came together cohesively.

Other than Kathline becoming Katherine a few times and HDK's comments about person and tenses, a pretty good read.

Great story! There are a few quibbles--the aforementioned Kathline/Katherine, and a few times where the third person omniscient slips and becomes first-person Phil--but this is, overall, a really good expansion on a pretty solid 750 word story. Looking forward to more!

This was well presented. I wonder why Sophia was so down on the marriage and her husband. That predated Fuckwit. The marriage was headed to divorce before him, or at least some crisis.

I also wonder at Phil's tolerance, simply watching his marriage dissolve. Maybe if he had been more forceful about what he knew, he could have salvaged it. Maybe he didn't want to do that. D

It's a four-star story to me, but far better than your 750-word story which I found somewhat confusing.

I liked it but for me - in all these types of stories - the ending needs a real conversation with the wife. "What went wrong? You must have known I would never accept what you planned? What were you thinking?" Personally I can't ever see a wife who knows her husband telling him she was off to sleep with the lounge lizard. Yes an affair is always possible but I really can't see the scenario painted here actually happening.

Still, I liked your story so 4 stars from me

Sorry, but I couldn't get past the firs 4 paragraphs. The switching between first and third tense in almost the same sentence was and is the reason. Get new editors. 1⭐

the bones were solid. It just needed a little more refinement to be a smoother read and maybe a surprise and some infidelity thrown in to spice up the story a little.

As it was published, she intended to cheat but never got physical... that's not a huge stretch for most spouses to get past with some apologies and counselling. It made the new divorce not as credible and let some air out of the romance with Kathline.

The story is good. I enjoyed it. My enjoyment was diminished somewhat by your message being obscured in your delivery in present tense. You also frequently switched from third to first person and back. Sorry, but present tense is not how to write good fiction. Somehow, you have contrived to tell a story that already happened as if we are watching a live sporting event or news cycle. It sets up a dissonance between relating events as they are happening, as if the character can somehow be living the experiences, while at the same time typing them on a computer, especially those parts in first person. Hey, it happens. I still enjoyed the story and will read another if you post one. Thank you for sharing your story. Randi.

Very good. Everyone got what they deserved.

I didn’t even notice a switch between tenses. Perhaps some folks need to look at it as a story and not as an 7th grade essay being reviewed in an English lesson.

You’ve done well. I don’t participate in the linguistics police, but acknowledge that numerous copy/paste fragments and lack of punctuation, make the reading less enjoyable. You’ve avoided those, and didn’t leave a lot of useless details. For example it didn’t matter how Phil and Sophia got together, only the 19 years, 2 kids, and both knowing Fuckwit’s MO. Everything in the story fits together, and it works without any help from the old special forces team, hackers, or expensive PI’s. Thanks for sharing.

Ditto BR1958 and HKD comments. Author got “platonic” right twice (lots of plutonics in LW stories). I usually don’t like violence but in this case cheered the MC on as he decisively dealt with the evil perp. Author portrayed the narcissistic wife really well.

I had two plot issues.

The first was when Harry invited his wife as well as Sophia and Phil to open the dancing, Phil didn't dance with Sophia but did the "usual four dances" with Kathline with no indication that Sophia was out of sight or refusing to dance with her husband as requested by her boss. Sophia may have planned to dance with Kevin though after the invitation from her boss to dance with Phil that would seem to be out of the question. I thought more explanation was necessary as to why Sophia didn't do as her boss requested and why there seemed to be no reaction from anyone to the COO's husband dancing with someone else for the opening dance.

Perhaps it is just me, but I couldn't understand why Phil would give Sophia until 11:30 to change her mind when the marriage seemed so clearly finished.

There were a few minor matters, unimportant in my opinion, that were either added after or not caught during editing, including an incomplete sentence, a missing set of quotation marks and a switch from third person to first and back again as Phil and Kathline arrived at the airport from Costa Rica. The use of the present tense mentioned by @blackrandl1958 didn't lessen my enjoyment of the story.

It just doesn't stand out from the many stories that use the exact same plot. It's hard making something new for this category, but retreading old ground doesn't leave you with many options to shine.

Maybe it could work if the writing was top-notch and the characters rise above the tropes they are stuck in, but that doesn't quite happen. The dialog is a bit stiff, like the characters are just reading out their lines instead of genuinely reacting to what's happening. Problem is most of the stories using this plot do the exact same thing, so that style has almost become standardized at this point.

If it's just about the love of writing, and wanting to contribute to the site, then feel free to ignore all this and do your thing. But IMO the best writers here make their stories their own, and bring something new to the table, besides flexing their writing chops. Sure, there are a few who get a lot of love by recycling the same story over and over again, but I'd value an author with a few distinct stories more than prolific ones that just change the names of their characters (sometimes not even that) and a few other details.

I liked it. Thank you!

Thank you. A much better version. The extra effort was worth it.

Liked it. Five stars!

nice story, worth the full reward

Well its a 4 star for nw.

Good one and thanks for sharing @Bamo68.

Good story

Good job! I enjoy a good work of fiction, you now have a new fan.

Loved the story. My only comment/observation is that there were a few times that the narration changed from 3rd person to 1st person and back again. It was surprising and broke the flow momentarily, but not enough to prevent me from giving your story 5 stars.

I like it.

ROFL . Everytime I see another author using the Krav Maga nonsense in my mind I automatically take 1 star off the score. It's gotten to be the most overused line of crap for writers. All I can hear in my mind is the cheesy disco song Kung Fu Fighting. So instead of a good solid 4 star this became a 3.

Tags, please!

Your use of the present tense detracts from the story.

Not bad, but the stories with allegedly smart, accomplished women who disregard blatant warnings and try to bang a sleazy douche just don't ring true enough. But still entertaining. 4 stars.

Gold! 5 stars!

More a BurnTheBastard than a real good BurnTheBitch. Besides the idiot husband was ready to take his slut wife back, if she repented (but certainly ready to try to cheat again in a more hidden a smarter way).

This ruined what could have been a good plot.

The whore wife really said to her husband that she was going to sleep with another man ? Just this single episode made this promising good BTB totally unbelievable. And unbelievable as well, was the sheep reaction of the husband toward her, waiting for some ridiculous excuse: after that recorded explicit cheating intention, there should have been nothing more to say, besides the word divorce. All in all, a too much flawed BTB. Maybe next tale will be better.

I would have liked a bit more of Sophias' thoughts prior to the party and definitely while at the party. Well written, no spelling errors nor wrong word usage, a clean read. Thank you.

I liked the story, but have a few questions. It was obvious that Fuckwit has done this twice before and that everyone knew about it. If so, how could Harry allow such a sleazebag to continue working for him? The company wasn't sued the first two times for some sort of breach of morals or something like that? What was Sophia's mindset, allowing herself to be seduced like that? She knew he had broken up marriages in the past, obviously just for the sick fun of doing it, yet she went ahead and let herself do it? Sounds incredibly stupid! And even if he was a pussycat with her, Sophia knew that her husband was a well-skilled martial artist who could kick the ass of anyone who pissed him off. Again, how could she be so brain dead? What happened to her after the divorce? Did Harry allow her to remain as COO, even though his daughter was now married to Sophia's ex-husband, a man he liked and respected? Kind of some big plot holes for me.

Very enjoyable story. Keep up the good writing, 4 stars.

Miket0422, I don't think we read the same story. By no means did he stand back and watch, he made his feelings quite clear to his wife.

It is a good story which I enjoyed. The only item which detracted was the constant use of the name fuckwit. IMHO, that cheapened the story.

Well, if I was you I would forego your fascination with 750 word stories and stay with "full". Good job I liked it.

succinct, enjoyed, but one part was a little unbelievable, who the heck could spend 2 weeks with a beauty and not have sex ?

You did a good job of telling the tale. The things that I noticed was the flow of the tale. It was more choppy with the flow. I read many places the needed some sort of connection from one place to the next. Still a nice read and plot, You just need to work on the flow of the tale.

Never understood an individuals determination to burn their life down. Even after it's been pointed out to them several times.

Liked the story, the only point I had with it, was the relationship with Katie. Yes I know it was platonic till the divorce. Just seems so like a monkey branch thing for me to swallow.

I don't understand why so many people think that the wronged party should be obligated to "save the marriage". If the offender has shown that they don't want the union; it is already dead so let it go. In this case, he did fight for it by giving her a chance to see their future. She only wanted to see her desired future. She got reality--not her chosen fantasy. Good for him.

intent is often overlooked

Because of the divorce Sophia moves out of town to be where her parents lived? Is she a child? She is a grown woman and the COO of a company, right? I hope it is not a far commute to work.

Enjoyed it and always great to see the good guy win. Sorry cuckoos…

Gotta’ love a happy ending. 😁

Solid 4…good story but with some editing misses that made parts of the story hard to follow and a lack of closure on why the wife did what she did with such a creep…idea…I liked how one author went to counseling with his ex-wife so that they could be more effective co-parents. This plot device gives you the opportunity to have the wife’s story told without the cliche of court-order counseling (which almost never happens IRL, at least in the US). Also, another cliche that could be avoided…the husband as a ninja master. A normal GI bill guy with 2 years as an admin or cook still did basic training, and if he hits the gym 3-4 times a week, he’s got plenty of fighting skill to deal with most people. Even a guy who played a rough sport in High School and got into a few fights can win a fight against a blow hard pretty easily.

A decent story.

One more author that cannot keep the POV. Switching from 3rd to 1st person POV is distracting. The wife acts stupidly without any rationalisation.

⭐⭐⭐

Good but you switched from present to past tense a ton of times.

3 stars - Yes, I agree that the basic story was just OK, but I usually give a one-star rating to any LW story containing violence.

There were a few other ways it could have gone ie:

- having the wife tell the husband that she is going to sleep with another man is probably one of the worst ways to end a long-term marriage. Instant rage is usually a foregone conclusion, and violence follows close behind.

- Phil should have never touched FUCKWIT - at least for several months after the infidelity.

- Sophia should have actually had sex with the ASSHOLE and that would have made the divorce much easier and faster.

- Phil and Katie should have had sex and gotten her pregnant in Costa Rica. Marriage would have followed and they live happily ever after.

PLEASE do not forget the TAGS next time.

Christmas parties can be such fun... well for some. Being a new daddy, after so many years is going to be hard..Being a Grandfather....even harder.

I really enjoyed your story. You put a lot of effort into the development of your characters and I appreciate you providing a great read. Thank you for sharing your gift.

There will be the nitpickers, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Sometimes it’s nice to just enjoy a good story. 5*****

Good story but I whished you had the Ex-wife actually fuck Fuckwith and Phil catching them to make the divorce more hurtful. Keep writing but make t more hot and steamy.

No real BTB. YOU THREW on the last about fuckwit to cover the revenge. But felt flat . Still 4 stars cause 3 1/2 is not available.

Pretty predictable and wife’s weakness and stupidity was uncharacteristic of her earlier descriptions

Ghere is no revenge as sweet as a life well lived!

An interesting take on this plot device. There was some grammatical imperfections? Stuff happens. They didn't distract from the story.

Generally well written but why do authors insist on stories where the wife gets hit by the Martian Slut Ray and tells her husband that she is going to spend a night with her lover. Inspite of the husband telling her it will be the end of them, she ignores his pleas. In this one she has a breakdown when she hears the recording of this discussion. Why? She was there. She knows what she said. I've never read a story where this trope makes sense.

I felt like the long lead up to her decision to cheat was a little hard to imagine. Months of emotional turmoil just to prove a point seems very masochistic.

Well written otherwise.

Not having read the previous version, I liked this story. Well written with relatively good character development for the two main characters which, surprisingly, were NOT Sophia and Fuckwit.

The storyline is a bit of a common theme in LW, but the good writing made that just a bit of trivia.

I liked the story.

Quite a nice expansion of your 750 word version. Well done.

I gave it 4 stars. I felt there was way too much time wasted by the MC who cruised along with a wife who had proven her fidelity, at least emotionally. I also felt it a bit strange that she is still repeatedly given the chance to come to her senses, until his arbitrary deadline passes. I especially felt it a bit dismaying that he endured months of her disrespect and emotional relationship with another man while sucking it up, and then pulls the trigger on the divorce while only having her disrespect and emotional relationship as his reasons.

A very worthy 4 stars

I got lost at the time jumps. There at the end I was confused by it. You should more directly mention it like, “ seven years later , we were…….” Etc.

Interesting. However, your writing often lacks clarity. The reader has to stop and try to figure out just what you mean or to whom a remark is addressed. That's not good for a novelist.

I don't feel qualified to give a serious critique. I've read some of the comments and I don't really disagree with any of the ones I read but they seem a little harsher than I would have been. I enjoyed the story, nothing new but it was still a pleasant way to spend the time. I have not written and posted one myself which is why I gave a 5; I'm working on that courage, just not there yet.

It certainly is an expansion. In fact it was expanded far too much. Take the end of the evening:

"It's ten to eleven Katie whispers..."

"A couple of minutes later Fuckwit limps in..."

"Eleven thirty two the taxi pulls away..."

"It's coming to the end of the evening..."

"Just then someone shouts get an ambulance..."

So, FW has been lying in the public bathroom of a hotel, which has been hosting a Christmas party, 140 strong, all evening, and it took well over half an hour for him to be discovered???? Expanded indeed!

Earlier we had MC and Kate eating at the same place as Sophie and FW, apparently regularly, and seeing but not being seen. This is a regular feature of LW stories but still doesn't work.

By the way, Krav Maga is purely a defensive range of skills, designed for escape, not attack.

Cliché filled with nothing new or original offered. There’s nothing that separates this from thousands of other cheating wife hall pass stories.

Sorry, but the pivotal point of the story did not ring true. If Fuckwit's seduction game was so well known, why did Sophia fall for it? What was her attraction to a sleazy manwhore when she already had a true stallion in her stable? Her announcement of her plans to spend the night with Fuckwit came across like the words of a victim of mental illness. No sane woman would have made the choice the character did. No clinically insane person would be allowed to function as the COO of a successful business. Sadly, the story just does not gell together.

It just doesn’t compute. A educated wife business coo tells her husband she going to spend the night with a fuckward. What are the odds of that happening . 1 in 10 million. Story fall apart early.

Great job with this longer version! I enjoyed reading it!

Well written and worthy of top marks. However, the plot has the same serious flaw common to so many LW stories: the author insists that the husband sit by and torture himself for months and months while things get worse and worse.. Yes, it is most convenient for telling the story, but it is not something that most males would do. It generates tension and conflict within the reader because of the frustration with the author and not because of the action in the story. There is no way for the author to provide a denouement here, a resolution, because it has nothing to do with the story line. After going through it a few times, it gets harder and harder to keep reading. One way to deal with this problem is with flashbacks, but then, of course, the author gets criticized for that. Maybe this is one reason for the rise in the popularity of the 750 word story. It is understood going in that a protracted middle is not possible.

The whole story flowed like marbles being fed into a blender. After the first page, the plot was impossible to follow. Why would a person allow their spouse to go completely off the rails? It's like allowing a child to play in a busy street after being warned not to do so. How stupid is it to suffer, destroy your life, and affect your family, just to see if your spouse screws up? These silly plots do not comport with human nature. Also, do companies in the UK allow known sexual harassers to work? Under UK law, that company would be partially liable for the two other divorces he caused. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And... Radio Shack in 2024?

Good story, 5 stars. I sort of feel sorry for Sophia. If she would have realized her mistake and apologize sincerely and groveled she might of saved her marriage but she had been a bitch for the year leading up before there was even Fuckwit. She was already cruising for trouble when Fuckwit started his moves. She got a well deserved boot.

Great story. When will the idiots realize that planning to cheat is the same as the actual act. I would have given you a *5 just for kicking Fuckwit’s ass. Too bad you only got one Krav strike on him, although the groin kicks might count. I had 18 years of Krav training and never used it once outside the gym.

Eh

the marriage was over why wait over a year to have sex?

That was by far the best story I've read in years. A lot of us guys have been burned by our so called lover. So glad to read about someone who found the right one, even though it took way too long. Thank you!

Why did wife leave a good job?

Thumbsup..., Good creative story; and slightly fun to see JUSTICE develope.

4****

Nicley constructed and a very enjoyable read.

Worthy of four stars. A good story, but a bit long winded (now) at places and should be tightly written.

There is no explanation of how or why Sophia changed her opinion about Fuckwit, especially knowing what happened to two others before.

Very good story. Not sure I read the first one but if this was expanded then it would have been the better version. A little more clarity on the timelines and it seems that you rushed the ending while drawing out the middle. I am only stating this since you asked for commentary. You got talent. 👍

Much, much better than the “750 word” version.

Still, the dialogues are quite bumpy, the husband playing his own little game, the totally unnecessary use of violence, the lack of intervention from the company owners (who should never accept one employee to break marriages of other employees for years) and the switches between first person and third person narrator should be worked over in order to become a good story.

Maybe your third try will succeed?

Fuckwit and his whore got theirs. Phil got his, too, a lady with a big belly that has loved him for years, his real wife, Katie...

The story was too contrived, beginning with the opening Steakhouse scene. Both Fuckwith and Katie are just common LW caricatures (as opposed to real people) and unrealistic, and there is no explanation of why Sophia would waste time with Fuckwith. Nor is there any justification for physical harming of even the worst of people.

Clever, but obvious, no one had sex

A entertaining read and its well written, sure has a few mistakes in it but can overlook those. Kind of agree with a few of the criticism, only we must remember these are free stories! The only major flaw I cannot forgive is this, would a wife seriously tell the husband she was going to spend the night with a lover [or week-end for that matter before she was caught? the answer is a huge no way! they would do it and then try hide it. The only time he would find out is if she wanted out and served divorce papers on him.

But i didn't sleep with him!!!!????..... The lament of the truly delusional. The Christmas party wasn't even needed. The Thursday dinners and the attitude shown with no remorse was enough to end the marriage. But, it would really make for a short story. Guess that is why writing about my life experiences is never worth the effort. To black and white and not any of the pontificating required when making a decision to satisfy the woke agendas that have been allowed in this day and age. Thankfully the tide has turned their bullshit is all starting to come home to roost as the real majority has finally started to realize that if you give these assholes an inch they want a mile. Best to shut their shit down from the start and escalate the response if it is not headed. Eventually these self serving assholes will go back hide in their holes for fear of being removed.

I loved reading your story. Yes, it is different from most of the other Loving Wives stories, but that is a refreshing twist. 5*s.

Ed

Some have complained about the fight in the bathroom, Fuckwit attacked him and he reacted. The wife's betrayal began long before her announcement at the Christmas party. She clearly decided her husband no longer mattered and that put an end to them. Dump her, and move on to someone who respects and cares for him. And he did!

Well done, thanks for sharing.

Well done, loved it more than the 750 word story!!

Haha..yup..ya hit them all. Well Done.