What? No Waffles?

Ray asked, "In your opinion, what's the single most important thing that makes the difference between a good and a bad marriage?"

I thought for a moment and said, "Respect! Love and all the rest are obviously important, but many couples who break up, love each other, and often have other things going for them. However, respect is very often lacking, having never really been there or having waned with time and familiarity."

Ray readily agreed and acknowledged that it was a factor in his failed marriage.

(Okay, this is where our vacation "took a turn" - or perhaps "derailed" is a better term.)

Tami, feeling no pain from the Long Islands she was guzzling down like Kool-Aid, interjected, "What about sex? You haven't mentioned sex."

No, and I wasn't going to, thank you. Lana and I are very private when it comes to our sex lives.

Unfortunately my wife, also feeling no pain, answered without hesitation, "I don't think sex is the most important thing in a marriage, and I guess we would still have a great relationship without it." Then blushing and with a small giggle, she added, "But great sex sure doesn't hurt!"

"Good grief, Lana!" I thought but didn't say.

"So, you guys have great sex?" Tami asked with a bright smile.

Lana giggled again and emphatically replied, "Oh, yes. We always have, huh, honey?"

I nodded my head and said, "Uh, yeah," and shot her a look that said, "Back off the sex talk." It didn't make a dent.

Tami continued, "So, Lana, what does 'great sex' mean to you? I mean, how does that translate into, um, orgasms? You know, as in how often do you have them?"

"Tami, really?" again, not out loud. And, did she just ask my wife about her orgasms?

"Hey, uh, Ray?!" Yep, to myself

"Lana, NO!" Again, just in my head.

At that moment, I was hoping the roof would collapse or something, before my wife could answer the "orgasm" question. Okay, maybe I'm a little conservative, but I really didn't want us to share that stuff.

Lana, however, was in a sharing mood, "Well, um, I usually do when we have, um, intercourse...sometimes several times!" (Giggles) "And every time Jack performs, you know, um, oral, he always makes me climax." (More giggles) "He's really good at that," she finished, now almost beet red with embarrassment, but apparently not embarrassed enough to shut the hell up.

I couldn't believe she shared all that. Where's one of those snack bag clips when you need it?

Tami kept the pedal to the metal, "So what about size? Some people say it doesn't matter, but I believe there's a point where it does. How do you feel about it? And, well, how would you say Jack stacks up?"

Oh please, leave the "Jack Stack" out of this? Does this broad have any boundaries? And what about Ray? I looked at him; he was leaned back, sipping his drink and grinning. I decided to get another. I needed one. As I'm heading to the bar, I hear this gem from my wife.

She questioned, "You mean...his penis?"

Tami nodded.

"Well, I think he's pretty big." (Wait for it...) "I mean, he really fills me!"

Oh for the love of Pete, Honey, shut up, pass out or both. Where the hell is that bag clip?

Tami latches onto the "I think he's pretty big" statement.

"You 'think' he's pretty big? You don't know for sure?"

Lana was kind of taken aback, not entirely sure what to say, "Well, I mean, yeah. He's big or I'm small." (More giggling) "I've never had anything to compare him to. I was a virgin when we married!" She ended sprightly.

I would say Tami was surprised, but I think the more accurate term was dumbstruck!

Either way, there was a long pause, before she asked, "Uh, you've never had sex with anyone but Jack? And are you saying you've never seen another man's cock? Really?"

Lana, now a little flustered, answered, "Well accidentally, I've seen guys, and my dad once, but, mostly at a distance; oh and none of them were, you know, erect." (And bless her heart, she just kept right on talking.) "Um, we've watched a couple of 'those' movies and I've seen them like that, but, nope; in real life, I've only seen Jack. And, yep, he's the only man I've ever had sex with!"

Tami again paused in disbelief. Then, kind of lightheartedly, asked, "So just how big is Jack?"

"Uh, hello, I'm in the room!"

Maybe I should try speaking out loud.

"I don't know. You mean how long or uh, big around?" My wife questioned. Then pondering for a moment, she lifted her hands and holding them apart, did the 'fish measurement' - "About this long I think, and about this big around." - Yes, the 'donut measurement.'

"Are you sure, dear?" Tami questioned, skeptically. I quickly turned away from the scene. My drunken wife had missed the mark by a bit.

Tami, I guess finally realizing I was in the room, asked me, "Jack, did Lana get that right?"

I answered as briefly as possible, "I didn't see," and took another gulp of my tequila.

This is where it went from "out of control!" to "You gotta be f@%#ing kidding!"

Tami announced, "I think I'd like to see that big guy!" She laughed and added, "I've seen a lot of dicks, but none that big!"

She laughed again then joked, "It sounds like you hooked a 'whopper' the first time you threw your bait in the water, honey!"

(Oh, good, another fish analogy; except I think, nowadays, "whopper" refers to another kind of "meat", not fish. Oh yeah, meat - whopper, still works...)

Momentarily, my wife was silent, pondering I guess, then she chuckled and said, "I don't know about seeing...but maybe I could measure it for you?" She turned to me, "Honey?"

As I walked back into the living room, like a lemming marching to the sea, I replied emphatically, "No. I'm not exposing my penis and we're not measuring anything. I may be a little above average. Let's leave it at that, okay?"

Tami quipped, "Wow, a guy who doesn't want to brag about his size! That's new! Now you've really got me curious. What are you hiding there, Jack?" she said, laughing again. (Why was the subject of my dick so funny?) Then something else occurred to her. "So, Jack, were you a virgin too, when you met Lana?"

Before I could respond, my half-blitzed wife pitched in, "Oh, no. Jack was experienced. He had slept with other women. Jack, how many were there? I think it was six."

I just stared at her, wondering if the power was back on at Tami and Ray's chalet. Right now, I would carry them piggy-back, in the dark, through a damn blizzard, just to get rid of Tami, who was apparently enthralled with our sex history...and the size of my penis - my apparently funny penis.

She continued, "So, Jack, you've been with several women. Hmmm, since we've discussed your 'whopper', let's talk about your wife and how she compares to those other women."

I quickly replied, "That's easy; she's more beautiful, smarter and sweeter than any of them!" and it was all true.

Lana gave me a big smile.

Tami gave a little laugh, and slightly slurring her words, "Not exactly what I meant, Jack. I mean sexually, equipment-wise...you know, how does she stack up? You know, her breasts and all...Oh and um, you know, genital-lu-ly?" She stuttered and paused, "Oh you know, her vulva?"

She couldn't possibly have asked that question! Maybe she said "Volvo." I've seen a lot of Volvos! I could even describe some to her.

"Tami, I am really not comfortable talking about my wife's um, attributes."

Lana jumped in, "Ooh, yeah honey, how did, do, uh, I compare? This is really interesting." She was genuinely curious...and genuinely drunk.

I was debating whether to fake a stroke, but said, "Well, I'm not really sure what you're asking!"

"Well, when it comes to boobs, are hers nicer, firmer, bigger, smaller, like that? And how about her body, overall. Oh, and well, her vulva, is it prettier than the others, smaller, bigger, that kind of stuff? Ray and I have compared notes, and women are just as different as men in that department."

"I can't hear you! La, La, La, La, La..."

Yeah, you got it.

I looked at Ray, wondering if his wife always asked such unbelievably frank sexual questions, or was this just the booze talking. He was just grinning and following the conversation. I'd get no help there.

"Uh, actually, it's been a long time...over 20 years. I don't remember much. Most, well, all the women were pretty in one way or another, and each had their attributes, but Lana is the total package."

Tami wouldn't let it go. "Jack, you are really sweet. But I'm curious. As I said, Ray and I have discussed this stuff and I find it interesting how the subject of a man's genitals is a big deal and gets a lot of press, but not women's." Ray was nodding his head.

"Besides, I've never met a virgin before...or a man who is, um, as well-endowed as you are, well, supposed to be...so I am very curious about 'Big Jack' there," she said, pointing at my crotch. (How did she know his pet name?)

I felt like I was drowning. I decided I would rather drown in tequila.

"I'm headed to the bar; anybody need anything?" Wrong question.

My wife immediately spoke up, "Honey, make another pitcher of those yummy Iced Teas."

That was all I needed, a drunker wife, with a drunker Tami egging her on. When I returned with the drinks for everyone, I was hoping they had all passed out. Nope. The girls were chirping and giggling, and Ray - Ray was still sitting and grinning. I knew this was going to get a lot worse before it got better.

Lana, slurring a little, excitedly informed me, "Jack, honey, we're going to compare!"

"We who, compare what?" I asked.

I think I know how that "deer caught in the headlights" felt. You know, the one that got hit by the Mack truck about ten seconds later.

Honnnk!

Tami quickly clarified, "We were thinking, not only hasn't Lana ever seen another man's erect penis, you can't remember those women's vulvas, either. So, it'll be a win, win. Okay?"

So much for clarifying.

"Win, win?" I questioned.

Screeeetch! Slam! Yes I heard the horn, but like the deer, I just stood there, staring at the headlights till the truck arrived.

"You and Ray will compare penises, and Tami and I will compare vulvas!" Lana explained brightly, continuing to slur her words.

Drunk but chipper - just the way I like 'em!

Tami giggled and clarified, "Cocks and Pussies!"

Oh, good, another chipper drunk, and thank goodness she clarified what penises and vulvas are!

My wife spoke up, genuinely excited, "Honey, isn't this great. I will finally get to see another, you know, penis, um erection. I mean, well, crap, I am 41!" Then she added, "And you haven't seen another woman's, uh, vulva since we've been married. Won't it be cool, you know, to see a different one...again?" And, finally, in a small voice, "I'm just really curious. You know...?"

"Lana, Honey, I understand. But it's not appropriate," I replied and turned to our guests, "Guys, let's all sleep on this. It may sound like a good idea now, but we've had a lot to drink. Why don't we rethink this in the light of day?" There, the voice of reason; that should do it.

My wife, a little miffed at me now, snapped, "Oh don't be so dramatic. They do this stuff in college classes now."

"If they'd done this when I was in college, I would have gone for another degree," I mumbled to myself, apparently too loudly.

Tami heard me and assumed all I needed was a little coaxing, "Jack, this isn't a big deal. It will just be a little adult fun, a simple comparison." Then she added with a sly grin, "You might even enjoy it."

All through this, Ray had said nothing and was just sitting there, half smiling, looking like, "Okay, just let me know when to show my pecker!"

My wife, not sounding so chipper now, informed us, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."

Tami seconded, "Me too, I'm about to pee my pants."

"Lady," I thought, "you don't have anything on even resembling pants." Yeah, and I also thought, "I wonder what her hot little pussy looks like?"

And, by the way, I never forgot what a single one of those "Volvos" looked like all those years ago...and there were eight, thank you! I didn't tell my wife about a couple of them, because they belonged to friends of hers at the time.

When they returned, Tami looked at me and gave a little shrug. Lana didn't look at me at all and went straight to the pitcher of Long Islands and poured a big one.

I walked over next to her, "I'm sorry. I just think this is a mistake. Do you realize you're talking about exposing yourself to strangers? Do you really want to do that?"

"Jack, I'm 41. I was a virgin when we met. Do I want to do this? Why wouldn't I? If you had never seen another woman, and you could now; wouldn't you want to? Damn it, I'm sorry, but my curiosity is really piqued, honey."

Crap! Drunken Logic! I wasn't going to come out ahead on this unless I agreed.

"Okay, honey, I understand. But I still don't think you need to show 'yours'."

Lana just stared at her drink. I relented.

III: DROP THE LINEN!

Louder than I meant to, I said, "I guess we're all going to look at each other's cocks and pussies!"

I was a hero. My announcement was met with a round of cheers.

Lana turned into my arms and sought to reassure me, "Thanks, honey. I understand your concern, but I think it'll be fine. And I think it's only fair that we girls show ours, too. I mean, you should get to see, well a different vulva, if I'm going to see a different penis."

Thinking a moment, she added, "If you really don't want to show your penis..."

In my best "chipper" voice, I replied, "Oh, what's a party with only one penis?"

Lana laughed. I laughed. Everybody laughed. Oh, heck; what could possibly go wrong playing a silly little game of "Cocks and Pussies?"

Honnnk!

Lana piped up, "Okey Dokey, how do we do this?"

"Well," Tami said, "I think we just position ourselves in front of each other, girls on one side, boys on the other; and we drop linen."

Ray grinned, "Cool."

While finishing her drink, Tami worked things out. Our wives would stand side by side, drop their drawers, then sit down and display their vulvas for everybody's inspection and comparison. Then we would stand in front of them and show our goods.

Simple, scientific...

Stupid, horrific!

Then I realized I had a "little" problem for "show and tell." Big Jack had stage fright. Stage fright, hell! He had turned inside-out and crawled up somewhere behind my bellybutton.

Tami instructed Lana to stand beside her in front of the sofa. She directed us to stand in front of them, a few feet away. So Ray and I moved in position.

Tami, slightly exasperated, exclaimed, "Really guys? Switch positions! Jack, you've seen your wife's pussy. The point of this is for you to see my pussy and for her to see Ray's cock."

Ray and I switched positions. I looked over at Lana. Her face and chest were flushed. Embarrassment or excitement, I hoped it was the first, but was afraid it was the last. I was feeling very uncomfortable.

It didn't get any more comfortable.

"Okay, Lana, drop the linen," Tami instructed.

Tami promptly grabbed her thong, pulled it down and straightened up, smiling. She looked at me. I looked at her. She looked down at herself as if to clarify where I should be looking. "Oops, shirt tail's in the way," she giggled and started unbuttoning.

In the meantime, Lana had pulled her pants down and was now standing with her thumbs hooked in her panties.

I couldn't believe this was really happening.

"Holy crap, here goes!" Lana said with a nervous giggle.

She closed her eyes, pulled her panties down, stood, swaying slightly and opened her eyes. The look on her face spoke volumes. She couldn't believe she had actually exposed herself. I saw Ray staring down at her beautiful mons pubis and felt my face flush with jealousy. Then I realized Lana was blushing even more when she realized that Ray was staring at her sex and smiling ear to ear! And she was obviously excited.

Now I wasn't just jealous, I was pissed off! My sweet, lovely wife was getting all hot and bothered from exposing herself to another man, a younger, taller man - with fucking "bedroom eyes!" I had to look away. I couldn't take it.

My attention went back to Tami, who had now opened my shirt and was standing there with her vulva completely exposed...and completely bald! I had never seen someone shaved in real life. I stared. She couldn't have been more different from my wife. From what I could see, her labia were pronounced, larger than Lana's and her inner lips were sticking out a quarter inch beyond her outer labia and were a darkish-pink; I think 'mauve' is the right term.

By contrast, Lana's pubic mound is covered by a neatly trimmed vee of thick, curly, brown hair; and her labia and lips are diminutive by comparison. Unless you spread her outer labia, you can't see her pale pinkish inner lips.

As I was marveling at the differences, Tami announced, "Okay, Lana let's sit and spread 'em."

They both sat, and Tami scooted to the edge of the sofa and spread her knees wide. Then she used fingertips from each hand and pulled her inner lips apart showing her long slit and slightly open vagina.

Lana was watching Tami to see what to do. When she saw Tami's pussy, she was as surprised as I was. I don't know if it was because it was bald, or because it was so much larger than hers. For a moment she was actually gawking. Then she brought her attention back to her own task. Her legs were still together.

She paused for a long moment, head hanging down. Slowly, she spread her knees apart then even more slowly, she reached for her lips and gradually spread them. She has a lovely pussy. Her lips are slender and delicate looking.

Even after twins, her Volvo beats any other models I've seen.

I heard Ray whistle softly, "Wow, beautiful!"

I turned on him and swinging as hard as I could, I knocked half his teeth out.

You got it - in my mind.

I realized Tami was looking up at me, waiting for me to say something. I didn't think her vulva was exactly beautiful. Sorry, I guess I'm a "bush" guy and her slit just wasn't as "pretty," either. Anyway, I couldn't say "Your pussy isn't so beautiful to me." And I couldn't lie; I suck at it.

So thinking quickly, I said what was true, "Amazing, remarkable, Tami, I've never seen a, uh, shaved vulva before!" Then I stumbled, searching for the right words, "And your lips...so full, really amazing."

She got a big grin on her face. "I figured you hadn't seen one shaved before. I was pretty sure Lana didn't shave."

Then this, "Here feel how smooth it is. I shave every day."

She let go of her lips and reached for my hand. I saw my wife's head snap to the right to look at Tami, but Tami was looking up at me. Lana shot me a look, her eyes wide and mouth open, almost in a gasp. I was frozen.

Ray encouraged, "Go ahead, it feels incredible."

"Oh, that's okay," I struggled, "I can see, yep, wow."

Where's a giant meteor when you need it?

But while I was looking at Lana and talking to Ray; Tami lifted off the couch, grabbed my left hand with her right and pulled me down. I resisted slightly at first, but felt like I was being rude - and a wimp. So I let her pull me down and knelt in front of her as she put my hand on her mound. Open-mouthed, my wife followed my hand to Tami's hairless pussy. Tami took my hand and stroked her mound from below her navel down to her labia. "See, smooth, huh." she remarked.

It felt wonderful! At that moment, I imagined having my lips planted on that big, smooth pussy, running my tongue up and down those amazing lips. My cock twitched. I found myself saying, "Incredible!" Tami released my hand, and for a moment I held it there, almost in a daze. Then realizing what I was doing, and also that my wife was glaring at me, I removed my hand and stood up.