What the F

Her nightie drawer had a few shocks as well. As I looked through others, I saw stuff she'd never worn for me. Heels, stockings, satin slips. There was one box which was locked and I couldn't find a key. My mind went, "What's in there?" I'm no thief so hadn't a clue how to open it without revealing I had done it.

I checked the computer but she had changed her access code. There were no letters, nothing out of the ordinary on our account.

I was confused, totally and utterly.

I received a call around 11.30pm, she was out of theatre. Everything had gone well. She'd be back in the ward later.

I went to bed in our room or rather my room. I was putting my dirty clothing into the wash basket. I stopped and checked. There were no cum stained knickers.

The next morning, I retrieved my stuff from the cabin. I had wrestled all night with the decision. Lorraine would need help to look after herself when she got out. I was sure her family and probably mine would help. I thought I had better play the good Gordon, at least until we could speak. All bets were off if she couldn't convince me, "It wasn't what I thought!"

She was home on the Sunday. I let her have the master as the ensuite fitted her needs. While I made sure she was comfortable, I never made any move to have her speak. She was still in some pain though the medication did help a little.

Her mum and dad came to make sure she was alright. They weren't happy with me and made it clear. I responded in kind which shocked them.

Lorraine looked at me as though trying to gauge my level of distrust, would I swallow her lies?

When her parents left, she spoke, "I'll tell you everything but it will be a few days as I'm so tired. I haven't fucked anyone. You've probably looked through my clothes to see what I had and found stuff which surprised you a lot. These will have made your mind more certain you were correct. I've been stupid. I was told to tell you but I couldn't.

"This wasn't because I don't love you, it was about how I feel about myself. I was trying to make things better between us but I've made them worse. You've done nothing but support me all the time we've been together. I wanted to be a better wife for you, I went about it the wrong way."

I looked and spoke firmly, "Well fucking others is certainly the wrong way!"

Lorraine looked down, tears in her eyes, "I haven't but you won't listen. I love you and would never do that. You connected all the dots in your picture and have me as a whore. Nothing I say will change that unless you listen. The only option will be divorce. I'll not accept being called a whore any more than you would accept me fucking around."

She went to bed.

The next few days were tense. The visitors she had all made sure that it was me who had a problem, even my former parents. At work, I was trying to learn my new job. I hadn't told anyone apart from Donny and Angela. I did do the shopping, some cooking and most of the cleaning so my temper wasn't docile Gordon.

Lorraine was able to spend more time in the living room as she recovered. She'd take a little walk around the houses with her mum. When we spoke, we covered any subject rather than ourselves. On the Thursday night she said, "You're so tired in the evening. I'm feeling better so want to tell you everything. I think Saturday morning would work best for you. You'll have had slept and nothing to rush off to." It made sense.

After breakfast on the Saturday, we were staring at each other over the table. I could see her resolve and fear. She could probably see my expectation of her lying to me.

She began firmly, "Gordon I wish to start by apologising for not trusting that I could tell you what I was about to do in case you laughed at me. You've always supported me but I know you were losing patience with me and our laughable sex life. You always tried not to but I saw how disappointed you looked after we had sex. Those few occasions I let you eat my pussy made me see how our normal lovemaking was hurting you. You were so happy to have made me cum so hard and often. I even tried fucking back at you so you had a better experience by far. I knew I had to do something or else I would lose you.

"On Tuesday nights, I was seeing a therapist to help me with my sexual shortcomings. I wanted to be a better partner for you but while mum loves me, she told me throughout my growing up years that sex was bad and only for having children. Her friends all said the same.

"I couldn't reconcile those words and the feelings I had when you touched me. I felt I was perverted if I thought about how I enjoyed you playing with my lady's parts. I so seldom touched you in any way which would have been enjoyable for you. Sharon's helped me a lot to understand myself and how I can change myself. I have a lot of work to do. Soon, I hoped they would have involved you.

" Betty was there to help me afterwards as the sessions were gruelling. I was a wreck. I was so upset, I needed a friend to help me. I made her promise not to tell anyone as I was so embarrassed at being such a poor sex partner to you. Sharon has helped me see I can be a better partner for you. I've been practising techniques for the things you wish me to do. I'd hoped to do them with you but you were working so long hours and we never had sex in months. That alone, could have caused you to think, I was having an affair let alone what you saw.

"Friday nights were different."

I looked at her hard. I could feel my anger rising and she saw it.

She looked angry as she said very firmly, "Are you going to listen to the truth or have you made up your mind I'm a whore? If you have I won't waste my breath!"

I almost said, "Is the story you concocted so good Spielberg is after it?" but I just said, "I'll listen carefully."

She wasn't convinced by my tone and neither was I.

"I was leaving the therapist's office and bumped into an old friend from my schooldays Carolyn. Betty, she and I had a drink together. Carolyn is a croupier at the new casino. There were looking for more as it's very popular. She explained how she worked and made it sound amazing. The money is very good compared to what I'm earning now. In addition, they often receive tips. I could earn almost double. The only drawback are the hours. Monday to Wednesday its 7pm to midnight. Thursday is 6pm to 1am. Friday, Saturday is 5pm to 3am. Sunday it's closed but they may open on it soon. They're thinking of opening earlier on Monday to Wednesday to have the business meal market. You can either work a roster or set days. The roster means you earn more as they include the weekends. Set days tend to be the Monday to Wednesday as they are slower and tips are less.

"She said Betty and I fit what they were looking for. Intelligent, beautiful and sexy. I laughed. She said, "Dorothy you've always tried to dress down to hide your charms. You are beautiful. With the right dresses and accessories, you'd make a killing. You can't flirt with the customers as you have to be on the ball all the time but if you're alluring you'll be well tipped and many get an even bigger tip when a customer wins big."

"She explained that the standard dress was a cocktail dress which emphasised your curves. It was long enough to be sensual but short enough that your stockings may be seen at times. If you were braless, as you leaned they saw a bit more than you would normally show. The customers enjoyed that but wouldn't do anything other than admire. If they did they wouldn't be allowed back. I was blushing at the thought.

"She was heading to work and said to think about it as they had a training course about to start. It was on Friday nights between 8pm and 10pm for four weeks. I called her a couple of times for more information. I was intrigued but I knew I'd never be able to pull it off.

"It was a few days later, I was having lunch in the park when Bobby came up. He'd been working nearby. He saw I was deep in thought. He asked what was wrong and I told him. I liked the idea but I could never be that sexy. He said I was, I just needed to believe in myself more. He'd been to the casino and it was, as my friend suggested, well run, no inappropriate behaviour. He thought I'd be one of the most beautiful ones there.

"He asked what you thought? I told him I hadn't spoken with you as if I did it and failed it would just confirm to you I couldn't be the sexy wife you desired. It would be the final straw and break us totally apart.

"Bobby was adamant, I needed to tell you as you loved me so much you would support me. I wrestled with this and decided not to. I knew I'd fail so I decided I wouldn't bother applying to be trained.

"Carolyn called me and said the course was almost full, I needed to make a choice. I said I didn't think I could, I couldn't be like her. I didn't even have sexy clothes or stockings. She laughed. She'd been like me and it had helped her be more adventurous with her husband. I couldn't believe she said that. As I thought back through our friendship, she had been almost as demure as me.

"It was the thought I could be more which made me think seriously about it. The therapist had been showing me how to free myself of my boundaries. Could I? Carolyn and I arranged to meet up. She was so positive I could do it. I was swithering when she suggested we go shopping for what I needed. I was so embarrassed when she saw my underwear. She supported me saying she still had some like mine. She helped me pick out new lingerie for work but added others for you to enjoy. The dresses came next. The lingerie made such a difference as to how those dresses looked on me. I looked like some of those women I had admired, so confident looking. I could never emulate them.

"I was so conflicted but with Carolyn's support, I applied and was accepted. I bullied Bobby into chaperoning me. He wasn't happy I hadn't spoken to you. I asked Betty out for a meal to cover for me. I didn't tell her what I was doing. She had refused to consider the casino as Billy liked her at home in the evenings when he came in from work. Most evenings I thought I'd work, you worked so late anyway, I told myself it wouldn't matter.

"Betty was concerned about me disappearing with Bobby and asked me a number of times if I was fucking him. I told her no. Since I've been in hospital, I've told her what I was doing but not to tell you. I needed to do this. Although we'd talked with Carolyn about it, she was surprised, she'd never thought I would do it.

"The first two weeks I wore a bra. I saw that those who didn't and leaned a bit more had more positive interaction with the people playing. Some started like me but soon discarded theirs. The customers we were practising with were regulars and they knew the ropes as well as the trainers. I surprised myself by how I quickly I mastered the cards. The roulette wheel took more effort. I enjoyed the atmosphere far more than my present job.

"One customer spoke quietly to me saying if I ditched the bra, I would be tipped far more. No one would touch me but they enjoyed dreaming. I blushed so badly. He smiled and said it's a safe place to find out if you can.

"I thought about it and dressed at home without a bra. I saw the difference it made when I leaned over slightly more. Bobby and Betty were shocked when they saw me the first time I did it. David had come into the restaurant by chance and saw us. The way I was dressed, he thought Bobby was fucking me. The way he looked at me made my flesh crawl. Bobby told him to behave but he just looked at my breasts. Betty was mad he didn't leave. Bobby stopped him coming with us.

"At the training, the evening went quickly. I was horrified to find I felt wet. I was so aroused by the customers looks of pleasure as I supplied their chips or cards letting them see some breast. I don't think they ever saw my areolas or nipples though I was mortified they did get erect and showed through the dress. They were noticed and the customers spoke very kindly with me.

"I couldn't believe that as I walked between the tables, I swayed my bum and more saw my suspenders and stocking tops. The way I was received was so much more positive than the first two weeks. If you'd been home when I came in, I would have pounced on you.

"I spoke with the therapist about my feelings and she explained them. She also said I should have told you. Such secrets can damage a relationship badly. She wasn't wrong. She felt the positive affirmation from staff and customers helped my self-esteem. The way I was dressed was very similar to what I knew you wished me to do. In many ways I rationalised to myself, I was doing this for you and me. We were going to discuss that further but I wasn't that well on the Tuesday after you left.

"The night you caught me was the final training night. I was so shocked at your response. You didn't believe me. What you said hurt me so badly. I always felt you trusted me, I trusted you. Why didn't you trust me? After I left, I realised from your perspective it looked bad. I didn't have time to explain.

"I explained what had happened to Bobby and he tried his best to calm me down. He thought once you learned there was no adultery, you would listen. As it was, when I arrived, the trainer said I stank and showed me out. I was relieved as I don't think I could have concentrated that night. I now know the stink was because of what was going on inside me. I called Carolyn on Wednesday and told her why I stank. She called back on Thursday. The trainer had offered his apologises and when I am fit, they will give me the opportunity to complete the course.

"Gordon, you indicted that you have checked my wardrobe and drawers since you came back?"

I nodded. I didn't trust my voice. Lorraine had been earnest in her delivery but I wasn't convinced. I think she was aware.

She smiled, a sad one, "The bras, suspender belts and knickers probably confirmed to you I was a whore. I do wish to be one, for you and you alone. Maybe not a whore as I won't charge you but be open to doing sexual stuff, blowjobs, etc. The therapist was teaching me how to do things which you have asked for but I've never done. I didn't have the confidence to try for you.

"I have hidden other sensual lingerie which was to be solely for our pleasure. They are highly erotic in comparison to what you knew I wore. When I have recovered, I'll model them for you if we're still together.

"There is a box in the bottom of the wardrobe. If you can get it, I'll open it and show you the training stuff."

I did. She had the key and opened it passing it to me. Within it were her accreditation and training notes. The behaviour policy and a couple of photographs of the group training.

She spoke softly, "You can read the behaviour policy to confirm it is as I said. I wouldn't allow anyone to go beyond it.

"I'm so sorry my low self-esteem meant I didn't speak to you about this when Carolyn first spoke about it. I'm surprised to find I do enjoy it. Everyone was so positive while I trained, praising me for my skills. I seem to have a knack for the card games. I felt so good. The atmosphere is so much better than where I work. It would benefit us if I could work there. The changes I talked about weren't me fucking others but I would be out some nights of the week. From the way I felt as I was dealing, especially without a bra, you would be at risk when I came home.

"Gordon you have to decide how you see me. If you accept this is the truth, as it is, we'll need to talk about whether or not I complete the course and work there. I'll answer all your questions. I'll explain more about the therapist trying to help me be a better lover for you and how we see that going forward.

"If you think this is an elaborate charade to cover I'm fucking around on you, we're done.

"I'm tired so I'm going to lie down for a while. You can let me know what you feel when you are ready."