When We Were Young Ch. 14

"The look on his face, I'll never forget it. The rage, Tony. Poor Mar. She just collapsed, like a popped balloon. It was horrible...and it was all my fault."

I squeezed her hand. "I'm very sorry, honey."

"He called our house, I've never told anyone this, he called our house. I answered, and he said I was so excited by the sinner, I could have her, that she had forfeited the right to stay in their God-fearing home.

"That's why he dropped her at my house; I told him to. I had to try and make it right. I'm still trying..."

I carefully hugged her to me and held her while she cried.

"Why did you need to hurt last night?" I asked her, after a few minutes.

"When something good happens for her, which used to be so rare, I'd feel guilty about all of the horrible days she had to endure, and the awful part I played. I need to hurt, to be reminded of the terrible thing I did."

"What was the trigger on New Year's Eve, the first night I hurt you?"

"Hmmm? Oh, Mar would always stay in her room if there were people over, but she was downstairs for a couple of hours, and I even saw her dancing. I was so happy, then so ashamed.

"I let people think it's just one of my kinks, but, really, it's guilt."

"Can I get you a couple of aspirin?"

"No, but you can get me four," a brief hint of a smile passed across her face like a cloud.

"Coming up."

I stood up and headed for the kitchen, the only place I'd seen any in my time here. I stopped and looked back, worried about my friend.

"Sharon, uh, don't go anywhere, okay?"

She looked at me, a sad smile on her face, and nodded. "I won't, Tony."

I hurried anyway. I found the aspirin, swallowed four myself, grabbed a bottle of water, and headed back, relieved to see she hadn't moved.

She swallowed the aspirin, tossed the blanket off, then, wearing just her panties, slipped into the water.

"Come on," she said.

I slipped in next to her, naked, the water slightly warmer than the morning air. We moved slowly, avoiding noisy splashes, just enjoying the peace and quiet.

"Did you ever get any help?" I asked.

"You mean therapy? Oh, no, I couldn't do that."

"Not even Carmen?"

"No, I don't think so."

"How about if Rich or I went with you? She really helped me, honey. Lin and Mar, too. You need help, honey."

She didn't say 'No', just slowly moved away.

A few minutes later, we were side-by-side again. She looked at me and nodded, so slightly I might have missed it. I kissed her cheek and nodded, dragged myself out of the water, and went over to my clothes in the cabana. I fished my phone out, and with a nearly dead battery, dialed Carmen's cell phone; it was 5:45, Saturday morning.

"Tony?" a groggy Carmen answered after four rings, and a check of her Caller ID.

"Sorry to wake you up, doc, but I'm here at the castle with the family, and Sharon really needs some help. She's agreed to talk with you, but she could change her mind any second. It's important, Carmen."

"What's happened?"

"She told me and Rich that she outed Mar to her dad, not knowing the carnage that would ensue, and is self-harming, or asking others to hurt her, anyway."

"Okay, I can be at the office in an hour. Okay?"

"Perfect. We'll be there. Thank you."

I'd been watching Sharon while we talked, afraid she might try to drown herself, I guess, but she continued to just swim slowly.

"Come on, honey, let's get you dry and dressed. We need to leave in fifteen minutes."

She looked at me a long while, my hand held out, then grabbed it and pulled herself out. I pulled her wet panties off and handed her the towel I'd been using, then sat her on the bed, Smoke still sleeping soundly.

"Do you want Smoke to come along?" I asked, helping slip her shorts on, then her blouse, sans bra, trying to keep up a slow, steady momentum.

She turned her head and smiled. "No, let her sleep. I really love her, you know?" she said, reaching over and stroking Smoke's leg.

I slipped her sandals on. "She loves you, too. A lot."

"Even after last night?" I could hear the fear in her voice.

"Even after last night, honey." I stood her up, zipped and buttoned her shorts, and led her toward the garage.

I settled her into the Cadillac, plugged my phone in to charge, and eased us as quietly as I could away from the castle.

Sharon stared ahead, unseeing, as we drove along mostly empty roads. I parked next to Carmen and held Sharon's hand as we went inside.

Carmen took note of our wrinkled clothes and still-wet hair, and invited us into the little room I'd spent so many hours in. I settled her on the loveseat and started to leave, when she grabbed my hand. I looked at her and nodded, sitting down next to her.

Carmen was wearing jeans, a blouse, and a Cardinals baseball hat, and I could see she'd missed a button in her hurry to see us.

"Good morning, Sharon."

"Good morning," her voice small.

"Tony, there's a coffee maker just outside. Would you get that started, please?"

"Sure," I replied, squeezing Sharon's hand. "I'll be right back."

While the coffee percolated, I texted Rich and told him where I was, then asked him to tell everyone we had gone out for breakfast.

I brought the coffee in and served them, while Sharon slowly told Carmen what she'd told me.

Carmen suggested Mr. Williams was bound to find out sooner or later, and Sharon had just accelerated the inevitable.

And that, at only sixteen, she could be forgiven for not understanding the extremely polarizing reactions that being gay engendered.

Also, that being accepting, and even excited, for her friend was something to be proud of.

Finally, trying to make amends by taking Mar in, supporting, protecting, and encouraging her, was very unusual. That Mar had said it saved her life.

"Mar is incredibly grateful for what you and your family have done by taking her in and treating her like a daughter and sister."

"Not if she knew the truth," Sharon replied.

"You don't know that," Carmen said. "I understand why you feel guilty, I do. You witnessed Mr. Williams' horrible response toward Mar. A response you set in motion. But, I would suggest his reaction was always going to be extreme, based on my conversations with Mar. And he was always going to find out. Without betraying her trust, I really think you two should talk. That what you believe may not be so."

Sharon stared at Carmen, who sipped her coffee, waiting patiently.

My phone pinged into the silence, a text message received.

'DO NOT LEAVE', it said. The sender? Mar.

'OK', I replied.

I showed my phone to Sharon, who looked at me with wide eyes, her hand shaking her coffee.

I showed it to Carmen, who nodded. Pleased, I thought.

I set Sharon's coffee down and squeezed her hands. "It's okay, honey. It's gonna be okay. It's Mar; she'll understand."

Sharon nodded as I spoke, but I doubt she registered my words. I rubbed her back and sat close enough that I could feel her body vibrating with trepidation.

Carmen got her to do some breathing exercises, which calmed her slightly, until we heard voices in the waiting room.

"Stay here," Carmen said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder and offer a kind smile.

The voices continued, and I squeezed her hand hard enough for her to wince, her eyes finding mine. "It's Mar, honey, and she loves you. Just breathe."

She let out a shaky breath and gave me a sick smile, flinching when the door opened.

Mar came in and buried her head in Sharon's chest, hugging her hard. Sharon was shaking, tears running down her cheeks.

Mar was crying and Sharon was sobbing. Hell, I was crying. Carmen slipped in and closed the door quietly, a soft smile on her face.

Mar released Sharon, stepped back and, I swear to God, slapped her in the face. Hard. Hard enough to knock her sideways. Sharon's look of shock likely matched my own. Then Mar hugged her again.

A couple of moments later, Carmen stood next to them and gently rubbed their backs.

"Why don't we sit down."

I was standing in the corner of the small room and started to leave as they sat down, holding each other.

"Tony, please stay for one moment," Carmen asked. I nodded and perched on the arm of the loveseat, rubbing Sharon's back.

"Mar, please tell Sharon what you've shared with me, regarding your father."

"I've always known you were the one who told my dad I was gay, honey."

Sharon's mouth fell open.

"How did that knowledge affect you?" Carmen asked.

"At first, it was just part of a horrible day, but Dad's yelling, screaming, and threatening consumed me, terrified me. Then these awful men came and put me in a van and drove me to someplace in Colorado, and I was so frightened and afraid. But something my dad said during all the yelling stuck with me on that drive, and then in that awful place.

"He said my girlfriend thought it was cool, me being gay. He said it derisively, like he had never heard of something so ridiculously stupid in his whole life. But in that horrid place, where they hurled abuse after abuse at me, I just kept repeating 'Sharon thinks it's cool...Sharon loves me', over and over."

A sob escaped Sharon, her free hand over her mouth.

"These people don't know anything about me, I thought, and who knows me better than Sharon and Linda? They're the ones who matter, not these people, not even my dad. In many ways, that knowledge saved me, honey. I don't think I'd be alive today without it.

"I was standing next to Rich this morning when Tony's text came in, and when he told us about last night, I was so mad I wanted to strangle you."

"I'm sorry," Sharon said, quietly.

"I know, honey. And, if you like the pain, okay, but don't you dare do it because you feel guilty about telling my dad. You were happy for me; you couldn't know my dad would go batshit crazy like that."

"Tony?" Carmen said.

"Hmmm?"

"I asked you to stay because we have talked a lot about guilt, you and I, and how to let the guilt go. I thought some advice from a friend who has been through something similar might mean more than what I might suggest. If anything comes to mind."

"Oh, well...I guess I would say first that Mar loves you, honey, you know this. And that, even if you did something by mistake that hurt her, she would forgive you. And, that the worst thing you can do is keep it bottled up inside, even if you think you are coping okay. Because it will come out, eventually, and the result is much worse than coming clean to someone, a friend, or a therapist.

"You can always come to me, honey, I'll always listen. And I won't get you drunk next time, probably." I grinned.

"Best hangover I've ever had," she said, squeezing my leg.

"Thank you, Tony. Would you wait outside, please? We'll just be a few minutes," Carmen said.

I hugged Sharon, then Mar, and headed for the waiting room. Stepping around the corner, everyone looked at me. Linda, Smoke, Mama, even Jazz and Thea. I sat down and, with everyone gathered around, told them what happened last night and this morning.

"How is Sharon?" Smoke asked.

"She was really upset, but she's better now. Mar was mad, but she's calmed down. When I left, they were holding each other."

Just then, Carmen's office door opened, and they came around the corner a few seconds later. Smoke went to Sharon, and they embraced tightly. When they finished, the others hugged and loved on her.

Carmen was leaning against a door jamb, that familiar soft smile on her face, and I stepped over and hugged her.

"Thank you for being there for us, Carmen, and for answering your phone so early."

"You're welcome, Tony. I'm glad I did, I don't like to hear about people harming themselves. You've hurt her before?"

"Uh, yeah, she asks us to bite her fairly hard, hickeys all over her breasts and neck, then biting her inner thigh very hard. We thought it was just something that turned her on; we wouldn't have if we had known the real reason."

"No, of course not. I'm going to see Sharon for a little while after our support meetings, but the fact that Mar benefited from Sharon's words should have her feeling better soon. And, while I can't condone your methods, I'm glad you were able to learn the truth, because I think she was in danger of spiraling, which would be difficult to counteract."

"I don't mind hurting her, if that's what she wants, but one minute she was fine, and the next something had obviously happened to upset her. It didn't seem sexual, if you know what I mean."

"I do. Are you going up to the house this weekend?"

"No, Mama and I are staying here; we have an appointment Monday morning. But you're going to spend the night there Sunday after the meeting, right?"

"Yeah, I rescheduled my Monday sessions, so I can, uh, spend more time up there."

"She's very attractive, isn't she?" I asked quietly.

Her eyes got big for just a moment, then she gave me a small smile. "Is it that obvious?"

I nodded slightly. "Well, Lin and I noticed you glancing at each other a little too often. Hell, Alex couldn't take her eyes off you. I like her, and Linda's warming to her."

"Even after her antics at the club?" Carmen asked.

"Well, that was unfortunate, to be sure, but her apology later was sincere, and Mar liking her goes a long way. Speaking of, do you think Mar will be a good therapist?"

"I do. She has such compassion and an opportunity to turn her negative experiences into something positive. She's made remarkable strides this year, which she credits to you and the 'family'."

"Well, I don't know about that. Linda and Sharon are her rocks, and Mama has made a big difference. Outside of today, I think she's happier than she's ever been."

Carmen smiled and shook her head. "It's okay to take credit for things, Tony. Well, I'm going home to take a shower. I have patients in a couple of hours."

I gave her a hug, then everyone else did, Sharon's long and hard. Carmen headed home, and we went back to the castle, Mar and Sharon in the back of the Cadillac, holding one another.

**