by mcfbridge
I've been enjoying this series (looks like I found it well after the fact) but characters narrating every little thing that happens to them never comes across remotely naturally and kinda turns me off when it goes too far.
You've got some fun ideas, but it's weird to me that you tend to narrate through most of the dialogue (instead of having characters actually speak to one another), and now the one instance where you actually do have a lot of speaking... What's being spoken is just narration.