All Comments on 'A White girl with Big Ass Pt. 02'

My critique._______________________________________________

Knowing you're not practicing to be an English teacher, most readers won't care if your grammar is off. I've seen people with 5 star ratings, with dog shit grammar. Regardless if you accidentally double up words (the the) in a sentence. Or putting (there's) instead of (thier's). For example, the next time you wright dialogue "I just couldn't stop myself". Make sure the period goes before the quotation mark. ("I just couldn't stop myself.")

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A further critique on your dialogue.

Her manager replied "yes that is true, Kevin told me that he really needed a job and I only employed him because he was ready to work on the night shifts and we also needed someone to work on night shifts"_______________________ Besides forgetting to add the period at the end of the sentence. You can get to the point using less words. For example; her manager replied, "he's desperate for a job, and I needed someone to work night shift." ___________________ The more fat you cut out of the story, the easier it is for the reader to imagine it.

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Another example of what I would have done differently.

Kevin felt relieved and thanked Gracy "Thank you Gracy, TBH I'm a really disciplined guy but seeing a girl with a body like yours and especially those wide hips of yours, I just couldn't control...ah sorry I think I said too much" ________ Besides not putting a period at the end of the sentence. This is how I would have wrote it. Kevin felt relieved. "Thank you Gracy." Now ask yourself what does the reader think when they read this? ("TBH I'm a really disciplined guy but seeing a girl with a body like yours and especially those wide hips of yours, I just couldn't control...ah sorry I think I said too much")___ Again with no period at the end of the sentence. Unless you're attempting to convey, black man can't control himself around big white hams. It's best to cut that part out.____________ Challenging social norms to provoke provocative and critical thinking, is good when done right. However, feeding into stereotypes, just comes off as racist. Being one of your 3 followers. I myself wrote a story titled "Trick Her Treats." Where I attempted to make fun of stereotypes, and implied America's first black president unintentionally brought slavery back to Africa. By challenging social norms, and promoting provocative thinking. My last story didn't do so well, with only 12 people voting giving it a 2 star review. Normally I get 50 to 100 people voting. I guess what I'm trying to say, don't get political.

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By the way, when you pick mature for the genre. Make sure there's a MILTF (mom I like to fuck), or a DILTF. The mature genre, is mainly old people having sex. And another thing, is Kevin ever going to clap them big white cheeks. I feel like I'm watching "Game of Thrones," screaming at the TV. "Where's the dragons."

This was great :) Keep writing - I’m looking forward to the next part. Ps. Pay no attention to the grammar pedant below, they clearly have too much time on their hands

This was great :) Keep writing - I’m looking forward to the next part. Ps. Pay no attention to the grammar pedant below, they clearly have too much time on their hands