All Comments on 'A Year of CFNM Ch. 03'

Oh, this is your first story? Okay, I can see why you made some of the rookie mistakes you did. I've been writing smut for about 15 years, so here's some pointers on what you could've done a bit better.

So, before I get into it, I need to make one thing clear: You have three factors in this story. "Extreme femdom," "CFNM," and "chastity." Chastity is rarely ever written unless it's part femdom, extreme or gentle. But while CFNM is commonly included in femdom stories, it's not actually something that's often seen as an exclusive sub-fetish of femdom like chastity is. That is, many write CFNM stories that don't have any femdom in them.

When you write these kinks, you typically have a set audience in mind for them. CFNM usually attracts the public nudity and exhibitionism crowd, who usually aren't into femdom but sometimes are. Extreme femdom attracts the submissive men who have your sexual fantasy, but alienates the men who don't want to get abused or raped in their fantasy, and alienates the dominant women who can't relate to the women in the story because they're dommes, not psychopaths or rapists, and they typically see CFNM as a completely optional accessory to extreme femdom that they may enjoy when present, but don't consider necessary.

The main focus of your story is clearly extreme femdom for very submissive male readers who have extreme sexual fantasies of this kind of thing happening tothem. That's fine, it has every right to exist, and there's nothing wrong with writing for a specific crowd that you're party of. However, your story is mislabeled to not reflect that intention. You titled it "A Year of CFNM" and your chapter 1 summary focuses on his nudity. But CFNM exposure isn't really the focus. It's the extreme femdom that's the main focus and CFNM is just an accessory. So you're attracting the people who are into exhibitionism and embarrassed-nude-male levels of tone only to have them surprised when they find extreme femdom, while the people who are into your primary focus of extreme femdom are looking your story over thinking it's just some light exposure stuff. A much more accurate title that would've attracted your target audience would've been "A Year of Femdom Slavery." For one, as a domme who enjoys exposure but not extreme femdom, I was disappointed that you made the focus about him being naked in public, then contradicted that by covering his cock with a chastity belt, so he's no longer totally nude in public. A chasity belt adds to extreme femdom, but it detracts from public nudity, yet you set your story up to focus on the public nudity, giving us skewed expectations and not marketing towards your primary target audience and the submissive men with the same extreme sexual fantasies as you.

Second overall is the matter of suspension of disbelief. Now, I'm not talking about "realism" because I think hyperrealism is a poison that too many in the Literotica comment sections are obsessed with when they don't understand it. This is erotic fiction and sexual fantasies often aren't supposed to be realistic, and who comes to fiction for what can only happen IRL? But, it's not a black-and-white criticism. How many times have you read erotica and cringed at something that went straight into screwball slapstick cartoony tones? That said, that kind of tone isn't a bad thing. It's just you need to temper reader expectations with the right set up. Already you go right in there for a kind of campy sci-fi tone by having your protagonist waking up after having apparently died but been resurrected through some unknown procedure by what is ostensibly a mad scientist. But the actual tone and other events are a mixture of grounded and campy sci-fi that clash with each other. He appears to be in some kind of corporate town completely under the thumb of this mad scientist, who uses advanced technology unknown outside of it and controls the police force. Yet you don't really give the right foundation for this. At the start when he's in his car before the accident, having him musing over a radio report about recent technology advancements, the further rise of megacorporations that control their own fiefdoms, or a mention of a date in the near future, would've helped us temper reader expectations that this is going to be a story that isn't a perfect 1:1 recreation of modern reality nor is it going for a grounded tone. The current setup where this is an isolated enclave with nothing else like it in the entire world just doesn't fit the grounded tone you're writing for. It's best to either go full campy 80s sci-fi or set up some worldbuilding so that what's happening to him feels more reasonable in the world you're writing, becuase comprimises like this please no one.

Finally, there's the matter of the police officers. Considering the current political climate, it's frankly kinda baffling to me that you'd want to make social commentary on police brutality. I get that "being abused by a female police officer" is often a farfetched sexual fantasy for male submissives into extreme femdom, but it detracts from your story because of just how many unfortunate parallels it has to real-life socio-political issues, meaning many are not going to find it an appealing sexual fantasy when there's people dying or suffering under police brutality as we speak. I would've found it less depressing and more fitting for your tone if they were security personnel or corporate agents working for the mad scientist with connections that allowed them to work closely with the police of the town thanks to her influence, since this not only would mean they can ignore police regulation that typically protects people from human rights abuses, but would fit the campy 80s sci-fi or near-future corporate dystopian tone you were going for.

Finally, a lot of the sequence of events you have going aren't really doing you many favors. He wakes up from a seeming resurrection while nude, and while the immediate mystery is how he was revived from the dead and why he's naked, those questions are shoved to the backburner and still haven't been answered three chapters in. I can understand if you want to save that kind of thing for a late-story twist, but not even having it come up after the intro three chapters in makes the readers feel like you forgot about those two mysteries or only used them as an excuse set-up for your femdom slavery fantasies. It gives your readers narrative blue balls if you don't give the two biggest questions from the first chapter some mention to let us know that the answer to them is coming later. The fact he doesn't even really try to pursue the answer to how he was resurrected and why he was naked is... jarring, to say the least. It makes him feel less like a protagonist the readers can relate to and more like a narrative piece, especially when the women around him are often cartoony levels of two-dimensional villainous abuse. Which is fine to write since many do enjoy that in their erotica, it's just the grounded tone doesn't really fit that.

Oh, also, I'm sorry if I came across too forceful in my last message. I have a mild reading disability that affects how my brain translates my thoughts into written words and affects my ability to understand how word choices have connotations beyond their base definition. It wasn't my intention to be accusatory at any point, that's just unfortunately how my wording often comes across because of this mild reading disability, and I AM trying to fix it, it's just a work-in-progress.

My intention was purely to try and give you some motherly advice from an erotica author who's been at it for a decade and a half and so thought she could help you recognize some of the pratfalls you were falling into. Like, my reasoning for the "target audience" parts wasn't "I'm disappoitned this story isn't catering to me," but rather, "you'd get more people who share your kinks if you marketed it towards them, rather than advertising your story's title and description as something that isn't your main focus." It was out of concern for your success and a desire to see a promising new writer get more fans who share his interests, rather than me not liking that something wasn't to my tastes.

I know people in online amateur erotica comment sections tend to be self-entitled and toxic, but I swear that my intentions were to try and help you and give you completely optional constructive criticism from my own personal experiences, rather than demanding your story fit my tastes as is often unfortunately safe to assume online. :(

I just hope my intentions of genuine aid to a promising new writer got across like I hoped...

Totally implausible!

This story was extremely stupid what is with every writer thing that femdom= evil woman

@chefjess2039

From what I understand, most femdom stories aren't written by dominant women, but rather submissive men. And because they're writing out their most extreme fantasies, they are focusing on the male protagonist as an object of those fantasies. And this means that in order to make those fantasies work, all the female characters must exist to service those extreme fantasies.

It's why I can't actually enjoy most femdom on here despite being a domme. I can't enjoy the male protagonist's plight because I'm not a sub and I can't relate to any of the female characters because I'm not a violent psychopath or rapist.

is there a part 4? I would like to know how your story ends. Did he last the hold year? or did he end up with one of the ladies?

@Anonymous

It doesn't look like it... And I'm worried my critique might have drove him off... :(