Bending the Rules Pt. 08: Wingman

"God dammit, I still have to sit around and do business with thieves all day."

/Don't bother knocking. I'm not answering for at least 48 hours. But feel free to listen in./

"Do I have a choice?"

/This time you do. I owe you that much./

"I'll have to go tell Furaha she was right. Anywhere can be exciting if you've got the right things going on in your head."

/Things in your head, that reminds me. Who wants breakfast? There's still a fire, let's get a spitroast going. Hehehe!/

*****

"Yipe!"

The thief tumbled and crashed ingloriously in a loud series of clangs and thuds, where he'd been thrown from his feet.

"Mm, wha?" Nuru shook himself awake, scrambling to his feet and falling over with dizziness.

"Gods above, a random encounter in the neutral space! I'm glitching hard!"

"Relax, that's just Jaheem. I know you've heard of him."

"Egads! Is he going to eat me? Help!"

"No, he's not gonna eat you. I think. At least he hasn't eaten anybody yet, but I haven't seen him eat anything all day..."

"That is... not comforting. Ahem. Right. I have armor for you."

"I see that. Good luck with the leg armors."

"You what, mate?"

"Look, over there. You see that filthy thing on the ground? That's a leg armor someone tried to walk by with."

"What happened to him?"

"He got annoyed and left."

"No, I mean the guy who brought the leg armor."

"That's the guy I'm talking about. Hasn't hurt anybody since he showed up here, this clown, but he sure does give people a hard time sometimes."

"You- you're sure?"

"Buddy, I can't be sure of anything in this world. But if history is any guide, yeah, you're fine."

"I se- ah! Aaaahhhh! He's biting me! You lied!"

"Well, he's- alright, yes, he's biting you. How does it feel?"

"I- uhm. Ok, it doesn't hurt actually. What the hell you gnarly old CHA repellant mountain of gristle!"

"I would just like to point out that he understands what we're saying. In case you weren't aware."

"I'm sure he does. Ugh. So... wait. Does that mean...?"

"You're right, I really should feed him. Unfortunately all I have is thieves who bring me a bunch of leg armors I don't need, but he just doesn't seem interested. Aside from using them as a pillow for a little while. And stealing the leg armors, to mock them for bad taste or something."

"Ye gods, you're hideous. But your breath is surprisingly fresh. Did you eat a mint bush earlier today?"

"I guess you do what you have to do to get a date, even in the animal kingdom."

"So what do I have to do to get... ohh, I get it. You bribed him to keep people with leg armors away because you don't want them, and you can't modify the quest."

"Funny you should say that. He's possibly the most immune creature to bribery I've ever met, other than... well. Nevermind that. Anyway, he's got no use for material goods. No idea what he's doing hanging around in these parts."

"But I heard you got history with him. Something about a kid. Gram's kid? No, nephew. But there's a kid too. Heck, I don't know; I'm sure he thinks he's doing you a favor though."

"You have Greater Beast Language to ask him about it?"

"Nope."

"Neither do I. Kinda hard to come to any agreement that way."

"True. But if he understands us - it's possible."

"If he hangs around long enough, who knows. I've got nothing better to do. Except, you know, curl up and die."

"Yeah, you don't look so good. Get stuck in a tree overnight while the ghouls feed?"

"Something like that."

"Been there. Hazing ritual. Great faction, but you really gotta want in."

"Yeah, I'll pass," Nuru said.

"They don't take many bards anyway - no offense."

"None taken."

"So uh, we gonna do business here?"

"I'm ready when you are. How many legs you got?"

"Two. Oh, armors you mean. Four of those."

"Heck, drop 'em there and I'll go get 'em in a sec. Bring me the rest of it and I'll pay you for the lot. Just this once though."

"Nah, I'll just drop 'em at the armor shop. No risk of him running off with them that way. BRB."

"Suit yourself."

...

"Alright man, here we go. One chest armor and a mix of smaller bits. Say, how much is this gig paying? Stand around and do nothing all day, sounds like a nice bit of dosh on the side. Good for hangover days, I see."

"Yeah, well, the money's awful so far; those leg armors are costing me dearly. *If* I get a complete set, then we'll see. There's a lot of variables."

"I just realized I don't have the patience for that; even hung over I'll just sleep it off rather than wait on people. Ta!"

"Later."

*****

"Jaheem, I need you to do something crazy."

Mrrf?

"If somebody gets too close to figuring out the IOU like that guys just did, you need to do something to convince them we're not working together. It's not technically illegal what we're doing, and I'm not ashamed of you, it's just that they'll get the guards to make me order you not to stop them from bringing me those leg armors, and that markup I promised for them was bleeding me dry."

Snrk.

"I know, I'm not gonna like it. But it's gotta be done, and I'm gonna leave it up to you how that works so I can be appropriately surprised when it happens."

Ptah.

"But at the same time, I need to get those other armors, so you can't just lie on me and block my purse."

Jaheem blew a convincing imitation of a raspberry.

"Hey, don't act like you're insulted I'm asking you to think. I know you're equipped for it."

Jaheem cocked an ear.

"No, nobody's translating. I guess I'm just getting used to you."

Jaheem lurched suddenly to his feet and ran off.

"What the..."

A long minute passed. Nuru started drifting off again.

"Is it true?"

"Hmm? Wha?"

"You've got that lyena doing your bidding now?"

"Oh, Zula. It's you."

"You know, I did you a favor helping with him. I didn't think you'd be enslaving him against his will."

"I know you did. He's not enslaved."

"Oh? What do you call this then? I heard you were up to some shady shit but I didn't figure you for an extortionist."

"OK, clearly you have the wrong idea about all of this. He's a friend. We don't extort fr- AAAUGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Zula watched closely as Jaheem snatched Nuru by the foot and dragged him in circles before settling down and chewing on his shoe.

"Yes, clearly you are great friends," she said.

"I mean he does the craziest- WILL YOU STOP THAT!"

Jaheem effortlessly pinned Nuru to the ground face-down with his knee bent to put his foot high up in the air where he continued chewing the shoe and his pants leg.

"OK yes, this looks weird, but I swear neither of us is in danger here," Nuru said, propping his head up on a hand, making faces as Jaheem tore bits of his shoes and pants off.

"Then why is he hanging around when all of those people are looking to take his hide? He was poisoned once for Deshaun's sake."

"That's all over with. Gram is disgraced, the bounty is lifted by now."

"Hmph. You have more faith in people than I do. I wasn't even sure about it, and I'm on your side. I'm concerned for you, Nuru. People have heard you talking to yourself. Doing the strangest things, yelling in the middle of haystacks or whatever. And then this vigil with your lyena, uh, friend..."

Jaheem got up and nuzzled Zula's hand.

"Yes, alright, you really are a friend, thank you Jaheem. Nuru, I don't know if you're completely mad or completely genius or, as I'd wager, mostly mad and just a little genius. Just make sure you're around for me to claim that Big Favor someday."

"I'm working on it, trust me. Gahhh, my foot is all wet now!"

Jaheem let out a screeching cackle.

"Gods above, _never_ make that sound again in my presence," Zula growled, breaking into a jog as she walked away.

Jaheem brayed even harder.

"Oh, my head, whyyyy," Nuru moaned, clapping his hands over his ears.

He might have missed a wry smile on Zula's face looking back at him.

"Drink some water, Nuru!"

Nuru passed the rest of the day keeping his mind's ear tuned to the sounds of his shoulder demon getting her brains fucked out, and thinking back to the previous day when he couldn't really appreciate what he'd heard, but had listened anyway. He might not have gotten to hear her really cut loose ever again, after all - it was only prudent to pay attention when he could, and save that memory for a rainy day. He made it to dusk and was passed out as soon as his head settled on the rag he was using to keep the dirt out of his hair.

*****

"Hey there he is!"

Nuru looked over as he walked to the regular spot to see a bunch of Level Elevens and Twelves and Thirteens.

"Uh... can I help you?"

"Yeah man, you're the goal."

"I don't follow."

"Don't worry, we're up to speed. I hear you're looking for these."

The Level Eleven pulled out a now very familiar leg armor.

"Uh, not exactly."

"Oh yeah man, heard from a few people you've got a quest for it but that crazy beast Jaheem is on like, some crusade against you getting them. Don't worry man, we'll get you a bunch."

"That's really not necessary."

"Sure it is! You can't get out there to farm them, so we'll bring them to you. We're not doing it for the money, really; it's for the sport."

"The what now?"

"Look man, every time we get one of these to you, we score a point. Every minute we're here that we don't get one to you, the lyena gets a point. Where is the guy anyway?"

"I dunno, must not be out yet. Or moved on."

"Dude, I hope not, we invited all these people to play. Huddle up gents, let's form our strategies!"

"I uh... I'm gonna go take a leak."

Nuru walked away through the trees to where he thought he wasn't being seen, and called Jaheem.

"Same as yesterday, keep the leg armors away, but just that one kind. Good luck."

Jaheem made a funny face, listening to the clamor of so many voices nearby.

"I know, it's gotten weird. Just go with it."

The feliform slunk off into the shadows as Nuru walked back and sat down.

"Hey yeah, he's back. Look, we got our first contestant!"

"You make it sound like I'm in a tournament battle. I'm just here finishing up a quest."

"Deron, you're back," Nuru said unenthusiastically. At least his head didn't hurt today.

"By the gods I am, and I'm not taking any nonsense. Here."

He walked over and dumped his inventory with Nuru. Not one of the items was the offending type.

"Thank you come again," Nuru deadpanned, yawning.

"Whaaat? What a letdown. That was too easy," one of the bystanders said.

"Alright dude, you're up next. How many did you bring?"

"Three."

"Here, have five more. See if you can carry all of them right at your encumbrance limit."

"Alright, give 'em to me."

The Level Eleven was stuffed full of them all in his arms and jacket.

"Here we go!"

It looked for a long minute like he was going to make it, and then out of nowhere Jaheem tackled him and rolled, throwing the leg armors in a wide spray. Simultaneous yells of mirth and amazement came from a dozen mouths.

"Ohhhhhh!"

"Duuuude he got you!"

"Look at them fly!"

"Me next, me next!"

"So, you're a ranger?" Nuru asked as the man scrambled free.

"Uh, yeah. Thought I had enough DEX to pull that off but maybe not."

"He does seem to be pretty high level for this area," Nuru said.

A tank ran about collecting the armor bits.

"All right, here we go!" With the others cheering him on, he tucked in tight and charged right at Nuru.

"Yipe!" Nuru said, hopping to the side.

"Hey no fair moving the goal post!" the tank said as he sailed past.

"I'm not gonna let you run me over," Nuru protested.

"All right, all right, I'll slow down when I get close."

"Just tap me on the shoulder and it will count," Nuru offered.

He turned about and came stomping hot towards Nuru. Jaheem took a giant leap and landed standing high with his front paws on the man's shoulders, bringing him to an abrupt halt.

"Gods above, how much do you weigh!?" he said, slowly collapsing under the weight. Jaheem laid just his head on the man's chest.

"Guuuuaaaaaarrrrgh!" he said, losing all the air in his lungs. "Somebody... help me...!"

Several of the others yanked him free.

"You alright?"

Huffing and puffing, the tank nodded. "One of you guys can go."

"Glass cannon, coming through!" yelled a burly brawler with a huge Level Ten Strong Man championship title belt.

He took the armors from the tank and strode forward confidently.

"Ready or juggernaught, here I come!" he took one slow step after another, wrenching free of Jaheem's attempt to grab his arm and hold him.

"Woah! You got it man, keep going!"

Jaheem's head went back for a moment as he considered. He ran back around, dug in and reached back with a forepaw to hook the man's massive belt.

"And they thought I was crazy, maxing out my STR!" he bellowed triumphantly, taking another step forward.

"Dooo it! Dooo it! Dooo it!" many of them started chanting.

Jaheem's head lolled to the side and his tongue flopped out.

"Oh gods, I know that look," Nuru said. "What are you gonna - ack!"

He dodged to the side as the man put full force into his forward leg as he took another step, but Jaheem let go at just the right moment and the man went bounding forward through the air, crashing awkwardly back down into a bush.

"Blaarrgh! Shenanigans!"

"No way, he got you with your own power," the ranger who had gone first said.

"Break 'em up! Give me four, and you take four," one of the other rangers said to another.

They split and went around either direction, but the lyena snatched away one of the armors, threw it back the way he'd come, then dashed over and grabbed the other man, lifting him up and dumping him onto the first just as he was getting the prize and standing up again.

"Oof!"

"Get offa me!"

One combination they tried after another. The tank put the armors on his legs, and tried to run with them on, but Jaheem picked him up and swung him by the legs into one Level Twelve barbarian and then a Level Thirteen paladin, another of the Level Elevens, and finally shook him right out of the armor altogether, plopped them all in a pile on top of the barbarian and flopped down on him, pinning all of it in place until the rest arrived to divide it up again.

"Alright... alright guys, I've got it, huddle up. We're gonna have to split them all up. Four of us are decoys, who won't even have one of the armors, but we'll be running like we do. The rest of us take one each and we all rush him at the same time. He can't stop all of us."

Nods all around.

"Alright, got 'em all passed out? Let's do this!"

All at once they turned and rushed at Nuru. He watched, wide-eyed as one after another got close, only to get tossed one into another, sprawling left and right or just getting draped across Jaheem's back until falling off as he turned and dashed another direction. The brawler came on slowly and steadily, shrugging off the other guys as they stumbled his way. Nuru thought for sure he wouldn't make it even halfway but he just kept on slowly plodding forward, planting his feet firmly and using every feat of stability and strength that he had, and just kept coming as one after another of his fellow Level Eleven-or-so's bounced off of his body as Jaheem threw them at him. But then Jaheem lifted him up and ran around carrying him like a battering ram.

"Curse you, I've lost my leverage!" he yelled, prying Jaheem's jaw open and trying to twist his head so he couldn't see.

Jaheem spat on and slipped the armor free of his grasp and tossed it away.

"Noooo shenanigans!"

"Trade you," one of the thieves said and ran back to get the other armor, passing his own to the brawler on the way, who had now been dropped.

"Ha!" he said, turning and cradling the armor carefully. "Just try and stop me now!"

Jaheem couldn't stop and engage him directly because one of the other men would start to get too close to Nuru and he'd have to break away to stop them. One of the thieves, acting as a decoy, made it all the way to Nuru and stood there, watching.

"So how many of these thing you need anyway?" he said.

"Truth be told I've got enough," Nuru said. "Been trying to tell you guys that."

"Well, don't. We're having more fun this way. We give up on this and we've gotta face that raid boss out in the Rope Jungle. That place moves so much, gives me a headache."

"Motion sickness?" Nuru said.

"Partly that, partly it fucks with my Eidetic Memory, how you can reach one place from another but only when they sway near each other just right. All that careful timing and jumping."

"I know what you mean," Nuru said.

The thief gestured to the brawler, who shook his head. He gestured again, and again. Finally, Jaheem turned and ran in an outward spiral, knocking men back further and further. Just as he passed the brawler again, the man furtively snapped his arm forwards and launched the piece of armor through the air. The thief in front of Nuru caught it, tagged Nuru on the shoulder, and crowed.

"Got it! That's one!"

"Holy crap dude, how long did it take us to get that?"

"Uh... it's been like half an hour."

"Dang, he's got like twenty points on us as a group, and we've got one total. You're clearly the winner here, mister lyena."

"Wow, crazy. Alright, we're losing time on our dailies, we'll have to stop here."

"We'll be back tomorrow."

"And we're gonna have a plan."

"I'll get one past you then, you giant varmint!"

"Keep the armor if you can reach it man, you earned it. We'll bring some more tomorrow."

"If you insist," Nuru let out a sigh of relief, and Jaheem laid down panting heavily, but not exhausted.

"Oh yeah - all your patience with this crazy animal screwing with your quest, you totally deserve it. Peace!"

"Right. Darn you, you goofy rascal!" Nuru shook his fist at Jaheem, who made a good show of indifference.

*****

Adana was finally settling down, or at least taking a break, as Nuru went to sleep.

"Finally, sheesh. You sure got some stamina, woman."

/Oh, Nuru. I got a ques-/

"Adana?"

"...Adana?!"

"...oh well. Maybe tomorrow."