All Comments on 'Cohabitation Pt. 02'

Something I noticed this in the first part and hoped would improve in the second part is the almost clinical, kind of overly formal dialogue and tone of storytelling. It has the effect of coming across as sometimes melodramatic, sometimes wooden.

Laura and Paul don't talk like teenagers, and it's hard to accept that they are naive and inexperienced while also having the ability to identify and articulate their feelings and actions as clearly and precisely as they do.

Something else that jumped out at me was this:

"He saw no problem in helping her out. She was, after all, a striking girl, with shoulder length brunet hair, a good figure, sparkling blue eyes, and nice sized breasts."

Those are opposing statements that don't make sense together. You say he saw no problem in helping her out, and the natural continuation of that thought would be to say he enjoyed helping his peers or something like that, but instead you describe exactly why helping her out is a problem.

It's obvious what the parents were up to all along. The parental manipulation requires the reader to suspend more belief than is reasonable. Parents in the US are not going to set up their 18 year old college freshman to play house with a potential life partner. It's something the writer might be able to get away with if the storytelling style was less formal.

It feels like the second half of part two is setting up the opportunity for more chapters, so the ending feels a bit abrupt. One small thing - it's unnecessary to tell the readers that they've reached the end of a story when it's clear there are no more words on the page.

All in all, it's a cute story. It has characters we can root for, and it's sweet to see the beginning of first, and maybe forever, love.