All Comments on 'Conversation Took a Left Turn Ch. 02'

But, it is not

and will not be until you get someone to proof read. Otherwise it is just a mess.

choirs….u meant Chores right?

Well the author did forewarn this was a RAAC, BUT REALLY!!!!! The dude is reformed, he is doing more than his share for his kids and the household, and the wife is still katting around. How does this make any sense??? Yes he made mistakes over the years but that woman fucked his kin, as well as an assortment of white collar dicks around town, and she thought he understood they have an open relationship WTF. It’s like reading about a low edge emotional wounded puppy who keeps looking for a pat on the head buts gets a slap instead.

The story is fine but you really need to read this out loud to yourself. It's full of mistakes. If you re-read slowly you will see what I mean.

I think the story outline is perfectly fine, give or take some timelines and could well be worth at least four stars. However, the massive train wreck in the grammar and spelling department pulls you out of the story far too often. Consider the following sentence from the story:

*

"I sat at a table watching my wife dancing with everyone when he heard my name spoke."

*

I have seen examples of mistakes in narrative between first and third person, but I can't recall seeing a writer go from first, to third and back to first in one sentence before. There are several other examples where I had no idea what the author was trying to say. I think Omegaman56 has a story to tell, if he can find a way to get it out.

You watch, when people read this, you'll get more 5s than you can believe. Like I told ya, it's that good. Yes you know who this is.

Honestly, the most far-fetched thing was the kid trying to turn down the offer to play football at Alabama.

"You three will be assigned choirs"

I tried, I really did, but there are only so many glaring mistakes that will take me right out of the story. CHORES, not choirs, unless they're going to SING in CHIORS.

the word is fault not fought

This chapter makes me wonder why he would still want her.

Waiting for next chapter

Mary is too big of a whore and everyone seems pretty flippant about it.

She's getting kid gloves from her boss about it but the stupid bitch needs some hard hits and humiliation.

Keep going!

Was good but needs an editor. 1st/3rd person switch and double quotes locations need some work.

very interesting plot, keep it up!

What does it mean that she is dating? Does she stay out all night and have sex? Also, our guy has turned into a goody two-shoes (maybe). D

Pretty good story so far but please get an editor. Choirs/chores is just one example. Switching from first person to third person in the story is hard on the reader (particularly in the same sentence!)

Anxiously waiting for the next chapter. Please be soon

Not bad. We're all hoping he doesn't get back with Mary. You really painted her as quite the hypocrite on top of everything else and I'm not sure how you could redeem her at this point. But we're definitely rooting for Bobby. And it's always a good thing when your readers are rooting for your character.

Love the story of Bobby’s resurrection, but some serious editing errors. Not used to seeing those with your writing. Drop me a note if you need help. 4*

Good Read Great Story Line. I believe anyone who has been there understands where you are coming from with the reformed story line.

I see all of the comments are not in belief that someone can grow that much in prison. Well they can and not just in prison. In combat you grow watching people around you change and understand there is more to life than just being a macho SOB.

Keep your story line the way you want it. If you can find someone to help edit do it only if you want. I for one am not a person who could do it or I would offer.

Keep writing.

Too many misspellings and wrong words at wrong places to make it a fun read.

I was trying to avoid reading the source material… lazy me. But I can’t tell how much or even IF Mary is using her ‘open relationship’ status. It also seems like Bobby had a one-time fling (Bad Bobby!) and she decided that meant she could eff ‘half the men in town’ as one character said. At least before he went to prison? While he was in prison? But not a hint of her ‘dating’ anyone in this actual story - and so far it seems to span multiple years.

If she’s still sleeping around that’s another reason Bobby shouldn’t want to sleep with her (beyond the reasons that seem to be the point of your story). Here toward the end of this chapter she says she hasn’t had time to date with her law school commitments… yet her boss advises her to stop dating…

Can you please clarify WHICH it is?

Pretty sure Mary is going to be impressed with whatever the PI finds but wondering how Bobby will react to being watched? Or if he has full report of her ‘activities’ already… see above question.

Good story, yes Bobby was a fuck up, but he deserves way better than Mary. Why would he want her Back? it has been over a year. The man is working hard and doing right by the family and she still acts as her shit don't stink. Oh and she is still dating but is jealous of other woman?

I really do not like Mary. I like a good RAAC but her character is plain bad. Really Bobby should move on and a live a good life.

Get an editor! Regardless of the story, all the mistakes in grammar, spelling, and going back and forth between first and third person make this a terrible read.

Ok story. Nice attempt at re-working the original. Two things are keeping this from getting a higher score. First, the editing is non-existent; the grammatical errors go far beyond the occasional slip and are very distracting. The second is the pontificating dialogue. Half of Bobby’s conversation come across as stilted speeches. Clean those things up and you’ve got a winner.

All right the husband was a loser, slept with a local whore and got syphilis. But that doesn't make his wife an innocent victim, she was a licentious whore who had been sleeping with several dozen men for years, cheating on him, humiliating him. Reconciliation in such a situation is unrealistic. The husband has regained his form, he is again a tall, athletic tough guy. In addition, he is hardworking, he began to be successful in his company. Now he can start dating women and looking for a life partner. Why stay with a slut who cheated on him for many years with a lot of guys. This bitch got him in jail, he was paying her lover compensation. That's enough punishment for his mistakes. Now it's time for her to pay for her mistakes.

No RAACuck

LEGIO PATRA NOSTRA MACHO CHAD !!!

"And I don't have time to date and any of that crap. "

Ah, poor little Mary, she doesn't have time to fuck around on her husband Bobby now as much as she'd like now that's she's going to law school. Well, I'm sure she had plenty of time while he was in prison. Of course you've got to love Mary's hypocrisy being jealous of all the women hitting on Bobby while she' still fucking around. She's only interested in Bobby because other women are interested in Bobby now that he's built like a brick shit house and has the rep of a bad boy with a prison record.

Bobby's got his life together and is doing great with his business. Why would he want to get back together with Mary? Let the poor man more on instead tying him to Mary and a marriage that was never that great in the first place. Quit romanticizing a past that never was.

Good story, but you need to use something other than microsoft editor. I wiil read your next installment.

I like where you brought the story, a radical change in the character’s actions. He’s taking charge of his life. Well written, looking forward for the continuation

Went to hell in first sentence of second paragraph. Cousin is one of wife's boyfriends and you have him bring you 'home's from halfway house and then hang around? Yeah, that's a hard no.

Try to get a refund from Grammarly.

Typical emotional female. Becomes the company flirt and whore after his one indiscretion and has to have revenge 20 times over. Not only that but she see's all the changes going on for a while for the better and shows just how stupid she is waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Still feel like some revenge of the mom and cousin I mean a little something shit the getting off way to easy

Like I thought after the first chapter, this is just too much for this author to take on. It's a jumbled mess- I'm usually ok with a few typos and grammar issues, but when they're in every paragraph throughout the whole story? And the content- a former lazy, boozing, useless son of a gun has totally turned his life around after spending just a few years in the clink? Not impossible, but pretty darn unlikely. And with no experience, everyone wants to hire him; were there NO other lawn care businesses in town already? And please, a 5 year warranty on sprinkler parts? Ludicrous.

Bobby now has too much honor to sleep with another woman while still married to Mary. Mary has no honor and everyone knows it. Bobby is not going to sleep with her until she dedicates herself to him. That might not be enough.

I think we can all see where this story is going , but Mary does not yet seem to be ready to give up her chosen lifestyle and definitely has no remorse for being the root cause of her husband going to jail. Any reconciliation under these conditions is far too one sided in my view, it needs some serious from Mary to enable this. Unless of course there is a twist in the tale?

It's so confusing with Mary. It's a good story about learning lessons and turning a life around, but then here's Mary. Who says she's done with him and only married until her daughter graduates school, then divorce. Still keeping her open relationship and dating, but is jelous if he gets attention. Then has the gall to say she can't trust him?? Even like one of the town floozy said, he cheated once while she has slept with half the city. Either she has no fucking clue what she wants, or maybe really needs therapy for herself. She is so very wishy washy, like she's allowed to do whatever she pleases but jealous if he gets any attention. Like dancing, saying she deserves at least one dance after he's danced with everyone, but it was her who was dancing with everyone else and flirting all night. If it meant that much to her, she would have danced early on with him. But in a way I guess could be realistic, trying to understand women is like trying to speak martian.

Wowzers!

TK

Bobby grew a brain in prison! Or maybe his brain was ok before but was always pickled in beer. The new Bobby has an agenda, maybe it will be revealed in the next chapter. Mary needs to grow up, if she hopes to keep him.

Despite the need for some editing, this is very fine work. 5 Here are a few things: 1. You don't use a lot of the awful LW cliches (e.g. "Don't do anything stupid." or "Do you hate me that much?"). You did fall into this one: "Who are you? And what did you do with our dad?" When the writing is as good as yours, any cliche has enormous negative impact. 2. Speaking of "good", it's an adjective or a noun, never an adverb. Having a law student ("Mary") misuse "good" makes her sound like she should be installing sprinklers for "Bobby". 3. You are going to get blasted if this becomes a RAAC, not because "Bobby" hasn't shown enough true repentance, but because you've been writing "Mary" as a cunt. Reconciliation stories are hard to write convincingly. You've done a good job with "Bobby", but the character development of "Mary" is going to make a reconciliation impossible to sell to anyone except the sentimental, uncritical elderly. 4. This is better than the original story. You deserve a copy editor, and I hope you keep writing. This is one of the few stories that is good enough to actually read instead of skim.

Ah, man... Such a shame this is a RAAC. Great character development for Bobby. You go, Omegaman56!

I hate reading a story and get to the end and am left hanging. That really sucks.

totally ridiculous.

but hey it is said that: ridicule does not kill.

on the other hand it is written.

It is obvious that Bobby was a personal mess before. It is also obvious that his cheating WAS a “one off” mistake.

.

His transformation is rather unbelievable, but that’s the storyline. So given that fact: Mary continuing to be a whore is rather disturbing…all things considered GIVEN what Bobby is doing and has accomplished in tne 2 years since leaving prison.

.

No idea which direction the author is going to take this. Part of me hopes he has Bobby hook up with another GOOD woman and leave Mary hanging. Part of me hopes Mary has her epiphany and wises up to tne reformed Bobby. Either way…the author has me hooked!

.

4 solid ****

A good story but awful writing! Changes of point of view constantly, even in the same sentence, An editor could make this very readable.

There are a lot of phrases that are hard to follow, grammar is a problem. Still is a good story, enjoyable, on the whole well done

If you want to RAAC then RAAC but to drag it on and on is horrible. He is all big and strong now, women want him, he doesn't want sex with his wife, wife keeps saying she wants sex with him AND still wants to date.... blah blah blah.

He is sober, strong, successful, great father. Divorce and end the story for crying out loud. Like other cuck stores they can date, fall in love again, and start over.

This was disappointing after the first chapter.

He was gone for years and within one day, he is acting like a bully to his son, a son he was a shitty father to. And the fact that his son was afraid of him says more about dad than his son.

Then there was the effort you put into making him a perfect man. A catch. A man that other women would offer to fuck. Because why? Because he’s handsome? Because he’s perfect? Because he has a 10” dick? He’s a criminal. An ex-con and you’re giving him rockstar status.

Sorry; but this really sucked.

A reasonable story line but spoiled by terrible writing - grammar, spelling, missing quotation marks, etc not to mention the frequent switches of POV from first to third person, even in the same sentence - that takes some doing!

We see him paying for his mistakes and making a concerted effort to change. We do not see the same from Mary, she used his mistakes against him and has not admitted she is doing anything wrong with her affairs. Makes no sense.

1 Star

Trash.

-26thNC

Try using "chore" instead of "choir" to have the kids do some tasks at home; they can sing in the choir at church!

Wanabe cuck, you try to teach your kids fear not responsability, hiting the tabke, and leaning in your kid face while promising threats with wich first thought gies to bodily harm, is this hiw your mc become a man? How he teaches responsability? He is a cuck in disguise, but an ashole to his children, by the end he will slurp wife bulls creampies, while belting his kids backside, to make them like him. Quit writing

All you have to do is explain to me why, after he's completely changed, he still wants that whore? That makes no sense. And don't tell us because he loves her! You fuck whores, but you don't love them!

Sooooo many editing issues it was hard to get through at times. Overall I like this story even if it was based on basically a joke from tnicoll. I will probably read the rest but I cringe every time the words aren't even in the right order, not to mention the duplicates and misspellings. Thanks for sharing?

Hire an editor.

Love your writing but Mary is a complete whore.

Start of page 1

So, all the other men she was fucking couldn't be bothered to see her house was in good shape. Hmmm.

Fixing the stupid free slut's house while she gives away the pooty to men who shit on her. Hope he's on the title.

Could not finish. Horrible grammar

First, third or WHAT person? “I bowed his back”

Pick one

Choir is not chores

Learn - There, They’re and Their

Mr Harrison or Henderson? In the same paragraph!

OK that's funny. They are assigned choirs to do. Bet they sing a different tune after that.

No worries. Everyone knows you meant chores but it's still a chuckle. Good writing so far. Hope he dumps the cunt after the kids are out of the house.

Whoa, wait one minute. Mary has been CHEATING on him for YEARS, and well before he kicked the shit out a scumbag!?! Mary had expected his own mother to rat her out and didn't. So Mary is FLAUNTING her CHEATING, STILL... And the three kids are OK with Mary being a CHEATING slut-whore to their father?

/

Time for bobby to dump the slut and get a faithful woman/wife. Mary goes far beyond Once a CHEAT - always a CHEAT. Prison got Bobby's head straight but Mary's actions has/is alienating it. Bobby walk away only a sick story writer can find total absolution and redemption in Mary's continued OPEN-CHEAT contempt of marriage.

/

4*, Hooyah, but this RAAC is about to go -2* (Mary has done nothing to earn redemption for being a slut)

Page 2

Need a new receptionist.

Damn good story. He deserves better than a slut now. Let him move on.

This is the best collection of comments I've seen on an LW story.

A nice feel-good story. Thank you Omegaman56!

Mary is a whore, period.

proofread the next part please: syntax, punctuation, spelling, POV, etc.

Whackdoodle is aptly named.

Like the suspense building. 5*

She doesn't trust him? She thinks he is hving an affair/doing something illegal? Will be very interesting where chapter 3 goes? You are going to continue andnot leave the story untold.....

It's got my attention.I think lots of readers will want more of the same kind/type of stories in the future.myself included and I hope we get them. Even the comments that I've read are civil and polite. whoda thunk it?. LP

God that was awful

Divorce would’ve been a greater and fairer kindness. The father wasn’t a brilliant role model in the past, and the mother has been a terrible one for years as well.

If as you suggested, this is a reconciliation, I’d probably want somebody to write a more accurate alternate story. I can’t think of any good reason for them to remain together at this point, nor a way for Mary to redeem herself in his eyes.

Stopped when this author wrote the dumbest POS statement of the week with this usual cliched turd.."You know the deal, Bobby. We'll stay married till Amanda graduates high school. You can sleep in our bed, and we can have sex maybe a couple of times a month. I'm still planning on dating other men. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Dont care if the MC grows a major pair or if she dies impaled on a 30 inch dick. Im guessing you recognize that you cant get the knuckle draggers all wound up with your writing skills so you go the easy and lazy idiotic route.

You are literally barely above a cuck writer at this point.

Every time Mary has a line, you dig yourself a deeper hole in the RAAC garden....

Him: former lazy, good-for-nothing husband and one-time cheater (... idiot)

Against

"fucks half the city" for revenge for a long time, doesn't stop doing "it" and only wants him in addition because.... more dick? (... spiteful ego bitch?).

This chapter 2 makes him pitiful as far as she's concerned (not a big problem, I guess, because that's part of his development.... maybe); but it makes her an even bigger bitch; especially since she doesn't seem to be as good a parent as she implied in the first story, plus all of her lines contain a "wanting ME/I and MYSELF aka selfishness", and the author says nothing about her stopping screwing around.... Suggests the opposite, in fact.

Her behavior compared to his makes him do way too much for her, and she looks like a selfish profiteer, not a partner (and in a partnership, he wants to be a partner, not a lapdog, I guess - there is TOO MUCH in a real partnership - chapter 2 has no balance).

RAAC needs the reader to understand (not that it will, but how it will) and it takes two characters-to tango and to RAAC-and their role leaves...to be desired to say the least?

At the moment, in the exuberance, really only one is trying and the other is becoming more unsympathetic with each sentence.

please, if doable, do:

He should read less "groveling"- it reads like 18+ months have passed and he should (for the benefit of the readers) not be so (IDK...maybe) overzealous to earn forgiveness?

She should act less superior and work on HER positive qualities / e.g. her stunt with the secretary is bad example! (as is the PI...)

But other than that, I liked CH01 more because of the motivational speech, but I'll wait to see how it turns out later (RAAC aside)

I like this, the first part I wondered about where it was going. I like this, hopefully what Bobby is setting up is something spectacular. This is interesting bc both ppl are flawed but I can kind of see where they both were good people who were toxic for each other, but there was love there. Mary could have divorced him and found a rich guy,she didn't,Bobby grows up. Only negative is waiting to see what happens, hopefully this isn't a 7 partner. There has to be at least more thing pushing them apart before they can reconcile I would bet

Mary does not deserve Bobby any longer. Hope the RAAC is limited to them being friends as Bobby finds a good woman. Well written though.

I'm fully on board with him 'manning up', but he's become super-man, and for what?

His wife barely tolerates him. She took to cruel and cold revenge for his only real fuck-up. Yes, he was a shitty husband and father BEFORE his one time betrayal. But they are not the same thing. Addiction is a disease. He got better. His childishness is NOT tantamount to his betrayal. The wife on the other hand is vindictive, shallow, and really nothing like he pictures her in his mind. She's not some saint. She openly flaunted her revenge on him....and her not actually still cheating on him is really a moot point. Completely moot actually because she's not informed him of her decision to....maybe be faithful again.

I understand the changes he's made for himself, for his kids, and even the mother of his kids. But she's held onto her hatred too long, she's in reality a giant road block for him and his success. She wanted to 'brag and show off her man'. That's not love, nor forgiveness. It's cruel objectification. She only values him now that he has value to offer. And she still decides to hint at being in an open relationship by dancing with anyone with a penis at her work function. That's a real class act. Shows a lot of maturity. I can understand and feel her distrust and anger, but it's become toxic at this point.....it's been toxic for a while now.

The kids don't need that, and HE doesn't need that. He needs to realize the image of the pure perfect saint he has of her isn't at all the same as the woman she truly is. And then he needs to address it with his new 'can-do' attitude. Regardless of his decision in regards to her, he needs to address how she needs to shit or get off the pot. His guilt when way too far in the other direction. He's made his past self an unlovable monster that needs to be the best man possible, and put up with all sorts of abuse. That's not healthy. It's self destructive. And her NEED to punish and use him more and more is making her an unlovable monster. I once sympathized with her, now I just want her gone.

Man... a GREAT story! Give TNicol an assist, but you're running with this to an exciting place. Having said that.... GET AN EDITOR! This story is too damn good to suffer from misspellings, lack of quotes around dialogue, crazy changes of voice and POV and busted sentences. Not sure how much longer this great story has to go, please... get someone to at least proofread each chapter.

.

5++++/5!!

So far, Bobby is an ex lazy asshole piece of shit with a slut for a wife. And she's complaining ??? You keep saying it is an RAAC (whatever that is) but all that is obvious is that Bobby needs to divorce her skanky ass as soon as Amanda graduates. After all, even her her boss tells her to quit fucking, I mean dating, single and married men. She's just a ho' with no better a track record than Bobby.

So far it's been a very good tale. It just seems a little one-sided that Bobby is trying to rectify past mistakes, but his wife just seems not to take any personal responsibility for her misdeeds. I understand the trust issues, that she must have but she needs to take responsibility for her part of the current situation. As has been proven in many relationships it will never last if only one person is working on trying to make it better. I look forward to the next installment.

1 star, because you said this is going to be a raac

Learn to spell too many mistakes on simple words.

You started both stories claiming that "Microsoft editor said it was 100% correct and Grammarly 99%" I think you should get a high school junior to proof read your stories. There are errors that extra care would eliminate such as his meeting with Mary's one time lover when you wrote "Thomas gave a halfhearted smile. "High Bobby." I think you meant "Hi" unless Bobby was planting some special grass. Bobby also admitted the his actions were "...totally my fought, and I moved on from it." Fought is an interesting word but I think you meant to say "fault". The story development is good and keeps the reader's interest but those grammatical errors slow down the thought process.

I'll have to live (with) that.

She is still dating? No dialog of that actually occurring. And if she is doing so why bother trying to intice Bobby

Did Marlboroman change his log-in nom-de-plume, or did this author just have the same English teacher?

You can't tell what is conversation and who is speaking, but it doesn't matter as half the time it doesn't make sense.

what do you want from a generation that would still vote for Hillary (if she wasn't in prison)?

"and he doesn't have a belly anymore. What happened to it, Dad?"

Mary smiled, "Come on in guys, lunch is about ready. I have made your favorite. Fried Chicken with mash Potatoes with red-eye gravy, green Beans with homemade buttermilk biscuits, with sweet tea. For dessert, Banana Pudding with Vanilla Wafers." 

The gut is only on a temporary hiatus.

I really hope you changed yoiur mind and this will not be a RAAC, but Bobby will kick his wife to the curb spectacularly. She wihtout shame cheated and flaunted it for a long time. bobby has paid his penance in full and now deserves a younger, more desirable partner.

1st person to 3rd person then back again. 1st person to 3rd person in the same sentence. Missing words, tense mistakes, added words, comma errors, quotation problems. Man, you really got lazy on this section.

I like the way the story is developing with Bobby’s development into a real family man. Don’t see a lot of changes in Mary though. There are a few misspelled words and other small mistakes, but I am so into the story that they just don’t bother me at all. Great job.

ditto to Buzzczar.

Great Story. @BuzzCzar I'm sure that it was written that way just for you and any other "Nit Pickers" so as to insure you would have something to complain about. You should be glad/happy that author included that for you. LP

Enjoyed the continuation of this story. I think you are doing a good job building it up . Thanks for your writing.

Good story. Neither Microsoft nor Grammarly will correct spelling when a wrong word is spelled correctly. That is why an editor, or even a friend or wife should read it, Knot, naught, not; new, knew, gnu; since, sense; threw through and hundreds of others exist. Please just get anyone who reads books a bit to read and where needed, correct these mistakes. You could actually do it yourself!

Dreadful switches of point of view, spelling and grammar way below par!

Grammar is atrocious.What I can't understand,is why Bobby is being so accommodating.She as confirmed they are still getting divorced when Amanda leaves,so he should be planning for the future and have little to do with the slut.

An interesting story, nice writing, I don’t like Mary, but that’s just because she’s a cheater and a serial cheater by the looks of it but the basic story line is good

Being a division one football player is a full time job. Once you accept the scholarship you must work out to a plan they give you. You don't just show up in July. You do not make the money you are describing he makes in that business. You can do well, but not that well.