Defiled: Him

All I wanted was to die. So much. But I somehow kept on living.

***

2 months later.

WARNING!

Below an assault is mentioned!

If you don't want to read it, scroll to the [here] sign.

I squeezed my eyelids. I was bent over the table in the gazebo and I just waited till he would be over. I kinda learned to disconnect myself from this some time ago. I was in another place, another time.

His hands were on my nape, pressing me to the tabletop and I heard unpleasant crackling in the table structure. Joseph's boss was massive and heavy, leaning over me, he worked hard, and I truly thought the table was going to collapse under us. I had faint hope it would make him stop, but I doubted it. There wasn't much that would distract him.

He was coming to me on Sunday evenings, every fucking week.

Eight times already, since it all started.

Ocean waves... Seagulls in the sky... Wind, sun, sand...

I was far away, far away, in a pleasant place, where r**e and abuse were not my horrid every-Sunday-experience.

Not to think, not to care, not to be here. My life - I hated it so much.

[here]

Since the first r**e, I worked hard to discourage Tye to pursue me. I changed my clothing style. I changed my behavior.

I started to talk shit, that gay people are just not made for monogamy. I knew how he felt about it, but I needed to immunize him to what lay ahead. Our ways were separating, there was no way around that.

We still had sex, yes. I was making sure it would be on Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning, so he never saw any bruising on me. The sex changed, however. I was tense and had trouble relaxing during it, my memory playing tricks on me, blocking me from fully enjoying the presence of Tye. I had a guilty conscience, and on occasions even pretended I cummed, even though I didn't. I was just too stressed and unhappy, to appreciate it fully.

Yes, usually he was able to make me cum, but the orgasm felt weird, almost forced, weak, and unsatisfying. My head just wasn't into it. I knew what I would have to do Sunday evening, anyway. It was always in the back of my head. More often than not, I chose to only cuddle with him, hiding in his arms and whining about feeling tired, so he didn't start anything. I could cuddle with him for hours, and it was helping me to calm down a bit.

Meanwhile, Tye and I were accepted to different colleges, and all Tye's attempts to transfer failed. He was losing hope, and I was mentally preparing myself to say goodbye to him forever.

I knew I should have done it then, right away. Break up. It was the right thing to do. But I just couldn't. A couple of days more... Only a couple of days more!

The moment I was near him. My heart was melting. I needed to have him in my life. He was so kind and loving and caring, I just... couldn't break up with him.

I was postponing it to another day and then another and another.

The last words. The goodbye. What should I do?

The summer break was nearly over, there were only three weeks left...

"What the fuck?!"

I twitched and turned my head to the side.

It was Tye...

No...no, no!

My boyfriend stood there, staring at me, being fucked by Joseph's boss. His eyes were giant, a true shock on his face. Shock, I have never seen on his face. It was almost surreal. He looked so different... almost like another person.

He jumped toward us, and he pushed my abuser with such strength, that the man fell on the floor with his dick still sticking out, and his pants lowered to his knees.

Tye jumped on him and started to punch him in the face with such ferocity I got scared, he's gonna kill him. And I knew he could, I knew him too well. He was always very intense...

So I jumped on Tye's back, pulling him away from the man - or rather he let me, as I surely had no strength to move Tye's muscular body even an inch.

"You little shit!" Joseph's boss sat up, wiping the blood from his nose, "You fucking whore! You're gonna regret that!" he snarled, and leaped at his feet. But he didn't attack Tye! He probably realized he would have trouble with a young and athletic football player.

He just ran toward the house.

Tye pushed me away, and we were now face to face.

And it was even worse.

I really have never seen such a facial expression on anybody. It was the epitome of disappointment and heartbreak. Tye slowly slumped to his knees. Something fell from his hands. A small, red box.

I froze, seeing it.

"I managed to transfer to your college, Jamie..." he whispered, his voice changed, broken, rasped. "But I can see... I could spare myself the trouble. You already moved on..."

I couldn't answer him because something in me just... died at that moment. I never thought he would have managed to do that transfer... I obviously didn't know him well enough to realize how crazy and determined he could be. How persistent.

"I have only one question, Jamie. Why? Tell me why...." he whispered, tears trickling down his cheeks.

I had two possibilities here. Tell him the truth or keep telling him all this bullshit I started to feed him during the last two months. How gays should never be monogamous. How young people should experiment. I tried to open my mouth, but I couldn't. I just stared at him, devastated that he saw this, that I couldn't shield him from it...

Was it better to make him hate me... or be devastated over my suffering?

He would suffer double then. So I was paralyzed in my decision... for a while, when he sobbed, kneeling on the ground.

"I love you so much... how could you do this to me, Jamie?" he cried out...

And just like that, I couldn't take it.

I just ran away.

Looking at his face was just too painful. I closed myself in my room and fell on the bed, sobbing hysterically. My life was finished. I didn't see a point in continuing it any longer.

I laid like that for maybe fifteen minutes, when I could hear my phone beeping.

I took it and saw the messages from Noah:

"What happened, Tye is trashing his room, he went crazy!"

I felt a weird squeeze in my stomach. I wanted to spare him suffering, but I failed miserably.

I had this brilliant master plan... Tye would never know. We would just separate and go our ways to different colleges... he wouldn't suffer at all. But life just didn't let me do it...

Slowly, I stood up and went to the bathroom. I took a shower and dressed myself like I used to. I didn't put the gel on my hair. I took simple jeans and a t-shirt, which I liked to wear before. I went toward Tye's house.

Even from a distance, I could hear something, some rumbling, when I stood in front of his doors.

Noah opened it, with a frown.

"Jesus, what are you doing here?! He is NOT in the mood!" he growled.

"I need to speak with him," I said calmly, my head low.

"Why weren't you more careful? Why did he see it?!" Noah snorted angrily. "You said it's for the best you hid the truth from him? And look now?! He's hurt even more!"

Silently, I went past him and headed upstairs. I opened the door to Tye's room and closed it behind me. Tye was sitting on the floor, and his room was just... messy. The bed was without the sheet, which laid on the floor. The chair was also on the side, and all things from the desk were on the ground. I wasn't surprised seeing it, I knew him too well, he was always very aggressive and had a short temper.

Seeing me, Tye raised his head and growled.

"Get out, whore! I don't want to see your lying snout anymore! Get out!!!"

But I did not.

I kneeled near him, and tried to touch his arm, but he pushed me away, and I fell on the floor.

But I didn't give up. I crawled toward him and tried to touch him again, but he pushed me again. And it went like that a couple of times, I was soon pretty battered, but I still didn't give up.

Maybe at the tenth time, he let me hold him but was stiff and his head was between his knees.

"Tye..." I whispered, "I have one last request..."

"Me too. Get out. I don't want to see you again! Never again!" he growled and pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor and hurt my elbow. It started to bleed.

He swallowed and turned his head aside, not to look at the blood.

But I crawled toward him again.

"I beg you, Tye... I have one last request..."

He didn't answer, so I took it as a space for voicing my request.

"Fuck me one last time. r**e me, Tye. Please. Punish me."

He burst into laughter.

"Get out slut, before I throw you from here myself!"

I almost jumped on him and embraced him in my arms, pressing my mouth to him.

He tore me from himself and threw me again on the floor. I didn't give up.

And the cycle repeated. I was leaping at him over and over again, and he was throwing me on the floor. I was bleeding from my elbows and knees and my head, which kept banging on the floor, but finally, he didn't push me away...

I kissed him and he... responded. Brutally. He bit my lips and my tongue and I felt the metallic taste of blood in my mouth now.

He pressed me to the ground and I felt his hands on my zipper. Soon he pulled down my pants and pushed me on my stomach. Ten seconds later I felt his dick penetrating me.

I closed my eyes, letting it happen for the last time. I wasn't sure for what reason I even begged him for that. But I enjoyed it, in a self-destructive, self-degrading way. I felt like I deserved his wrath. He fucked me for maybe three minutes, he wasn't very violent, but let's say... not caring. He unloaded in me in almost total silence. Then he grabbed my pants and pulled them up.

He took me by my waist and carried me outside of his room and threw me on the floor.

And he closed his door, I heard the lock turned.

I smiled ruefully, standing on my feet, tears flowing down my face. I felt weirdly, tragically happy, and free. It was all done, I knew what I had to do now.

Slowly I went down and headed toward the exit. Noah was in the living room, and he almost jumped upon seeing me.

"Jesus, what happened to you!? Why the blood? Did he hit you?!"

"No. He didn't do anything I wouldn't ask," I said and opened the exit door.

Noah ran toward me, and grabbed my hand. Our eyes met, I don't know why, but my eyes welled up even more.

"Jamie..." he whispered with such pain and despair in his voice it broke me even more, I could see, he wanted to say something, but he just couldn't. His lips trembled.

"My good, my poor Jamie..." he whispered even more quietly. "I would do everything, so you wouldn't have to suffer..."

God, his words! They hurt me even more, because I felt a glimpse of hope, but I rejected it right away - brutally.

I freed my hand from his hand, I just couldn't let myself feel his warmth as it would weaken my will to do what I wanted to do, so I only said, "Thank you, Noah. So much. You've been a good friend."

And just like that - I left, leaving him with his tears, streaming down his face. I went toward my house very slowly.

I made my decision.

The house was still empty, as it was still before the time Joseph and my mother were usually returning from their work.

So, I poured warm water into the bathtub. I found Joseph's razors.

After I wrote a short goodbye letter apologizing to Tye, and begging him to forget about me - I went inside the bathtub.

Warning! Suicide attempt description! If you want to skip, go to [here] sign.

I was perfectly calm when I cut my wrists. I made sure it was a "professional" suicidal cut. I cut up toward my forearm, cutting the arteries along the length of it.

It wasn't even as painful as I suspected, and all the pain I felt... Well, I enjoyed it in a sick, twisted way. I laid in the bathtub and put my bleeding hands under the water's surface.

I stared at the ceiling, feeling like my body became weirdly limp and the world around me became hazy. I smiled, feeling such a giant relief.

No lies. No pain. No struggle. Finally. And I closed my eyes.

The only weird thing was the jerking of my body. And the voice.

I didn't know what it was. Was that Noah's voice? So cold, so cold.

Was I out of the bathtub now? Something was tightened on my wrists. I didn't know what was going on.

I lost consciousness.

***

[here]

I opened my eyes lying on a hospital bed.

Some unknown woman, probably a nurse, was leaning over me, checking my heplock. Were they giving me a blood transfusion? But why? What happened? It took me some time to remember what transpired.

Did Noah save me? But how?

I turned my head to the side and noticed my mother and Joseph (with a gloomy, gray face) sitting on the opposite side of the room. They didn't notice I opened my eyes, so I closed them quickly. I wanted to avoid speaking with them.

Lying in bed and thinking about my life, I was in an unusual, numb state, dealing with my failed suicide attempt with a weird way - just kinda accepting that I failed at basically everything. So, why even stress about just another thing in a long line of my missteps?

In the evening, as they went away for something, I was finally left alone. But not for long.

Noah sneaked into the room somehow, I had no idea how he managed to do it because he wasn't a family member.

"What are you doing here?" I muttered, stubbornly looking at the ceiling.

Noah came closer and sat next to me, on the side of my bed.

He looked very different than usual... his face had kind of changed, gotten older perhaps? He looked devastated.

"What you did was... crazy, Jamie. And stupid, let's be honest!" He lowered his head and squeezed my hand. "I'm taking you away from this house, no more protesting! I won't let you stay there, where the psycho can r**e you as much as he wants. Fuck him! You did your part of the deal already! It was supposed to be only a couple of times! I called your college, and they already have opened campus because some students have scheduled earlier workshops. You can live there already. You won't have to live with Joseph. You can start anew!"

I responded with silence, my eyes still on the ceiling.

He pressed his hands to his eyelids.

"When I walked there and saw you, so small and vulnerable in a bathtub full of red water... Jesus, Jamie. It broke my heart too. I think you made a crucial mistake by not telling Tye the truth."

"Does he know? About me being in the hospital?" I asked tersely.

"Do you want him to know? I can call him now..."

"No. We are separating anyway. I already said my goodbyes to him. I'm sticking with my version. I prefer that he see me as whore and a cheater than a poor victim because he would feel guilty, he didn't save me. It would eat away at him. Now he is free. He suffers, but he is just angry at me. He doesn't have to take on even more burden."

"It's stupid, Jamie. It's a bad decision. You're not even giving him a choice, really. And it's just unfair, you won't let him decide for himself..."

I snorted. "I don't deserve him, Noah! I'm not like I was before. I'm damaged goods now."

'What happened to you wasn't your fault. But you shouldn't keep it a secret. That's the mistake many victims of such situations make. Hiding does not let it heal, Jamie. Or disappear. You should've come clean. That situation - now - wouldn't happen at all."

"It's too late now. Layers over layers of lies. We are done, Noah..."

"Are you done? Really?" he asked and shook his head. "Because I think you are far from being done with him, Jamie... If you wanted to end it all... You are just too devastated over the loss of him."

Noah was right, I was lying to myself. I wasn't done with Tye. I still loved him and wanted him in my life, even though I felt like I didn't deserve him anymore.

"You shouldn't have saved me, Noah! Why did you?!" I yelled, closing my eyes.

He stared at me in shock. "Why? It's simple. Because I don't think you deserve to die, Jamie!"

I clenched my jaw.

"Oh, I think I did. But it's over now. I won't do it again, don't worry," I muttered, looking aside.

Noah lowered his face and rubbed it with his hands.

"I don't understand you anymore Jamie. You let it spiral out of control, and you could stop it so simply. Going to the police, telling everyone.

"I couldn't let her suffer! She is so happy about this pregnancy! She is blooming!"

"There were other ways..."

"No, there were not. She was two months pregnant when it happened. If I went against Joseph's will, he would act it out on her. She already had five abortions before she met him. I know that it took its toll on her. She wants to keep that baby. I couldn't be the one who ruined her new life... She suffered for years. I could manage to suffer these eight Sundays."

Noah stared at me for a while.

"Anyway, Jamie. I'm taking you away. We are going to the campus so that you can live there normally. Safely."

After considering his words, I slowly nodded. I knew he was right. And I remembered that Tye transferred there too! So we would meet, right? Maybe... if we met after a few weeks, it would be easier to talk again? To reconcile? To apologize? I was so counting on trying to change his mind in a more... traditional way, without revealing too much to him, but also peeling off some of the lies. And I closed my eyes, delving into dreams.

Yes, maybe there was a chance for us in the future?

I glanced at my wrists. The only problem would be these scars on my hands. I needed to hide them.

Perhaps with a tattoo?

***

3 WEEKS AGO

[For the scene in which Jamie tries to win Tye back - read the first part - "Defiled:me"]

I run off from Tye's and Nick's room feeling devastated and defeated.

And humiliated.

Yep, I put on such a bitchy act, I wasn't even surprised. But it hurt still.

Cursing under my breath I went down to the parking lot, where Noah was waiting for me. Seeing me from afar, he got out of the car with a frown on his forehead.

"I can see it didn't go well..." he said with a sour grimace, crossing his arms on his chest.

I responded with a similar grimace. "Yep. I was too late, obviously. He moved on. He has another boyfriend. The boy looks like my twin, it's... sick. Super weird."

Noah raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "He has a boyfriend who looks exactly like you?!"

Nodding, I leaned on his car's hood. We were both silent for a moment.

Earlier this day Noah agreed to drive me here, but I felt he was in a somewhat sour mood, seeing me so determined to win Tye back. He even commented on that: "I told you you weren't done with him", and I didn't respond because... I knew he was right from the start.

Noah glanced at me and sighed.

"Well, it clearly shows he is still... into you in a way. If he's looking for your replacement, for your... Imposter."

"Yeah. But I had no chance, he looked super angry and..."

Noah's green eyes bore into my face. I just knew he really wanted to make me feel more optimistic, even though for some reason he seemed unhappy about the whole situation.

"Well... Super angry means he still cares. If he were indifferent, it would be a hopeless situation." He smiled ruefully.

Scrubbing my chin, I darted my gaze at him. "Do you really think so?"

"You should try to transfer here, Jamie. At least I think you should. Only being here, you can really try to win him over. The new semester starts in one month."

"I tried, Noah... they have a full campus, all because of COVID-19 restrictions they can't take more students, and even if I could transfer, I won't ask Joseph for money for room renting. I won't. He is angry at me, even though he is silent. My suicide attempt kinda... stopped him from forcing me to stay in their house and continue to be his boss' fuckboy. He probably feels guilty. But I know his boss still wants him to pay for half of the damage Joseph did during that accident. He struggles with his salary because my mother stopped working as she is at the end of her second trimester. "