"He's Gotten Laid": Proper Grammar

This short guide points out the most common errors of English grammar and language that I find on Literotica, including misused apostrophes, the verbs "lay" and "lie", the word "hang", and the use of simply the wrong word.

THE APOSTROPHE

One of the most common, and, for those who know better, most annoying grammatical errors in writing is the misuse of the apostrophe. Because its primary use is to denote possession, many people treat it like it can be used that way for anything. If I were one of those people, the previous sentence would begin "Because it's primary use is to denote possession..." That would be WRONG!

In most cases, an apostrophe followed by an "s" does indeed denote possession: "Uncle Tom's Cabin" (a book), "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (a movie), "Tom's Diner" (a song), etc. But for personal pronouns (words that are not nouns but refer to things that are nouns), this is not the case. If it were, you would see the following:

me > me's

you > you's

we > we's

they > they's

While "(s)he's" and "it's" are words, they do not indicate possession. More about them later.

Instead of adding " 's " to the end of a personal pronoun, you use a completely different pronoun, called a POSSESSIVE PRONOUN. Possessive pronouns are so called because they are clingy bastards and hate being separated from their "s" by an apostrophe (just kidding, but that's one way to remember how they work). Some are so clingy, in fact, that they simply decided to kill their "s" and bury it under the floorboard in a secluded cabin in the woods, so nobody else will be able to have it. T Thus, instead of the abominations shown above, we use the following:

I > my, mine

you > your, yours

he > his

she > her, hers

it > its <-------------------- this is often misspelled "it's", which is WRONG.

we > our, ours

they > their, theirs <--- while not as common as "it's", "they're" is also WRONG.

Now, when you have an apostrophe with a pronoun, it is no longer a pronoun, or at least not in its entirety. It is technically a full sentence, and depending on the letters after the apostrophe, the tense can differ:

I have [had it] > I've

I will [be there] > I'll

I would [think so] > I'd

Except in the present tense, the rest of the pronouns use the same letters when contracted with "be" or "have" or "will" ("would" is technically a form of "will"). For the present tense, the letters differ:

I am > I'm

(s)he is > (s)he's

it is > it's

you are > you're

we are > we're (be sure not to confuse "we're wolves" with "werewolves"!)

they are > they're

This also applies to the interrogative pronouns "who", "what", "when", "where", "why" and "how", though in their case " 'd " can mean "did" in addition to "would". Another thing: "who's" does not indicate possession. Instead, this is expressed with "whose".

So, to sum up: WHEN YOU SEE AN APOSTROPHE followed by one or two letters, if the word is a noun, the apostrophe probably indicates possession (though it may indicate a contraction, but this is usually only done when referring to a person or place by name). If the word is a pronoun, the apostrophe indicates a contraction of the verb "to be", "to have" or "will/would", EXCEPT in the case of "let's", which is a contraction of "let us" (as with the werewolves, so with lettuce), and when the letter following the apostrophe is a "t", which indicates the contraction of a verb with "not".

THE VERBS "LAY" AND "LIE"

First, let's get the obvious out of the way: birds (and bugs, fish, monotremes and xenomorphs) LAY eggs; a liar LIES. Okay, now the problematic part, which you will just have to memorize:

PRESENT TENSE:

When a person actively positions their body to be parallel with the ground, they LIE down; while they are doing this, and until they get up, they are LYING down.

When a person puts something down, they LAY it down. Until they have let go of the object, they are LAYING it down.

PAST TENSE AND PERFECT/PASSIVE PARTICIPLE (look it up, I'm too lazy to explain):

A person sleeping in their bed LAY down before they fell asleep. First, though, they LAID their glasses (or whatever) on the table by their bed. Or wherever.

If a person was buried a hundred years ago, they have LAIN in their grave for a century, assuming nobody robbed it (the grave) or stole the body to use for an anatomy demonstration (and even in the latter case, they are probably still lying down on a table). The glasses (or whatever) from above were LAID on the table.

This even works with sex: when somebody is being fucked, they are getting LAID!

While I'm at it, I'll quickly explain drinking and hanging:

I drink a glass of water.

I drank a glass of water.

I have drunk a glass of water.

...and now I have to take a piss after all that water.

The picture hangs on the wall.

The picture (is) hung on the wall.

BUT

The outlaw is hangED from the gallows.

As an afterthought, there's something else that bothers me a lot when it happens:

USING THE WRONG WORD

- HOMOGRAPHS are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings; they may or may not be pronounced the same way.

- HOMONYMS are words that are pronounced and spelled the same, but have different meanings.

- HOMOPHONES are words that are pronounced the same, but have different meanings; they may or may not be spelled the same way.

- HETEROGRAPHS are words that sound the same but are spelled differently and have different meanings.

- HETERONYMS are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and pronunciations. They are a kind of homograph. Yes, even though neither "homo-" nor "-graph" are in the word.

- HETEROPHONES are the same as heteronyms. I just included the term to fuck with you.

To avoid having to memorize these terms, simply use the correct word. For example, if you need "mare", don't use "mayor". Your submission WILL be rejected if your text reads "The stallion fucked the mayor" (unless the mayor is a horse)!

Now go and write about people getting laid, and don't do it left.