All Comments on 'Hypnosis Everafter Ch. 06'

Sample paragraph from page 2: "She suddenly felt very attracted to Kim, and the attraction was growing stronger. She knew that she disliked being lesbian, but right now, she didn't mind. Kim started to stroke and caress Sam, who was starting to find; that it was very nice, and unconsciously; doing it back to Kim."

5 commas, 2 semicolons.

She suddenly felt very attracted to Kim and the attraction was growing stronger. She knew that she disliked being lesbian but right now she didn't mind. Kim started to stroke and caress Sam, who was starting to find that it was very nice and unconsciously she was doing it back to Kim.

2 commas, zero semicolons.

A teeny sample of what an edited paragraph might look like. You have no idea how to use semicolons and should stop using them. At all. Zero. You use way too many commas and it comes across as weird, as though you are making up your own punctuation rules or have some tic that makes you put in commas for no reason. Story good. Editing horrible. Readability poor.

I've enjoyed reading the story this point but have to tell you it's getting a little dry. It needs more emotion and more detail. Also, the writing isn't developing much flow. Just work it through a few times before finalizing. It shouldn't read so much like you're checking off items on a list.