All Comments on 'Intern Intrigue'

I must say that you've written a very engaging tale that will force readers to think on multiple levels, and it's not something that's simply a dead giveaway either. You craft a serious amount of intrigue and a healthy dose of mystery to introduce this tale; you present Lila in a way that we really have to think about what is her end game; certainly the interactions other characters have with her help lead us in that direction, although they don't necessarily expose everything that's possibly in play at that moment. She certainly projects a great deal of sexiness, but also a great deal of aloofness and likely if there are any tells to the story, you communicate them through her body language and interactions. I most definitely looked for the why behind her apparent meddling and exactly how she was trying to manipulate the senator; I believe you compose this well to make the reveal at the back side of your story rather than at the front, as that would have front-loaded too much detail onto the reader and possibly lowered the interest and intrigue over where the story was headed. You also insured to inform the readers of all of the reasons that motivate her to pursue this course of action, and it really is at the best time in the story. You also certainly introduce a very unscrupulous and unsavory character that clearly only cares about whatever his own agenda is; while this is well executed, I don't know how this will affect some readers, because when I see it, it can either make her look like more of a sympathetic character to some people, while to others it could make her look like a very heartless witch. As for how you categorize the story in general, placing this and mature was the best choice as I see it.

****

I don't doubt there's similar stories that, if we were to know about them in political-behind-the-scenes deals, would probably unnerve and quite possibly disgust us. It's one thing to manipulate a senator for the benefit of an outside agency; it's another thing to see the person influencing another to enslave herself to only earning money. While the other actor suggests this could help her achieve some type of a dream, some readers could find the last activity she accepts for cash as a huge turnoff. Of course, some could also find that more fitting to the character that she's playing--which is obviously a more seemingly cold and manipulative female--than one that simply trying to improve her lot in life and it's just doing whatever she can to accomplish that.

***

What proves harder to quantify is how she manipulates the senator and seemingly permits him greater license because while he is clearly a grieving man--he is a man because he doesn't try to take advantage of her like the male does at the end of the story; so while she's dealing with Thornton, the story understandably paints him as an unwitting pawn, and presents him sympathetically; it also awards her a fair deal of sympathy until we understand the why behind what she's actually doing. So in that sense, that part is a double-edged sword.

***

There is the small but significant issue that the story states he is only twice her age; the story reveals she's 21; however, his physical state strongly suggest he is in his 60s--most definitely triple her age. That's further supported by the fact that he is totally Gray after he sheds his clothes, and how great and then his hair is--addtionally by the phrase that he wished he "were 20 years younger." There would most definitely be a few readers that this might totally disgust, because it's just a gold-digging behavior, as the average female with any self-respect would never debase herself by engaging with someone that old. The saving grace at least is he doesn't really treat her as "a slab of meat" that other males look at her as.

***

At this point, I don't really feel comfortable rating the story, so I'm going to have to think about it. You have several elements that really stand out, as if we're just looking strictly at political intrigue, there's a lot to like...although the contradiction is it is a lot to like in something that inherently disgusts and prostitutes a person to the process. It seems to me that if somehow the story had focused more narrowly on the senator, and what she and he did together, while minimizing her interaction with Asher (definitely excluding his act), that it would have been a little better for her character in terms of reader sympathy: while he hands her a huge sum for what he did, it is the most debased act of the entire piece, which would lose her any sympathy she gained with some readers. So that's why I will have to mull this over a little bit more before assigning a rating. I will say that this is one of the few two-page submissions that so effectively develop a story within that space and manage to address everything that needs to be covered for the account to not seem too short. So, you definitely have a lot to hang your hat on with this piece.

After due consideration, I decided this piece was worth 5. I'll explain.

***

It concerned me that this piece might be expanded upon, but that's not what the piece is, as it's to be a standalone in the first place. Second, Asher will continue to present her with ethical conundrums that sooner or later she's going to have to learn to modify for her benefit so they aren't so debasing, and she's going to have to get thicker skin to do this as well. Finally here is an interesting analytical piece: although her actual name is Jessica, she is out of character for Jessica by 67%; in other words, she only fits the Jessica profile 33%. She actually has become Lila with 67% accuracy, which means if this tale is ever expanded she is going to have to realize that although she is acting to a large degree, she has allowed the role to define and reshape her. So keep that in mind if you ever add to this. Otherwise strictly on the political entry, the obvious debasement for favors, and the multiple agendas.. I thought it was very well done.

So I got here from the AH forum and I somehow missed the description, instead simply reading the story with just the title in mind. Until I got to the last part, I thought the "intrigue" is simply the fact that Lila is having sex with her boss. Well imagine my surprise ;) I think it's great, and funny, that the story holds up nicely even without the extra subterfuge.

One peeve though: the senator is around 42 but you describe him like he's practically senile. I know that his lackluster sexual performance has a purpose (Lila/Jessica is doing this for money, not pleasure), but then I'd make him 10-20 years older so it doesn't seem jarring when you call him "old man".