All Comments on 'Katie's Metamorphosis to Slut Ch. 02'

I’ve read all three stories related to the chapter and you’ve got a good start. Your foundation is solid and you’ve got a fairly good jumping off point. You’ve built tension and conflict, and have underlying drivers for two of your characters, but your characters, in and of themselves, are still pretty one dimensional. The original story ‘Pool Party’ read more like a to do list than an erotic novel. There was plenty of sex but it was dry, quick, and lacking enthusiasm. There was nothing to draw the reader in. Dialogue both external and internal are important here, you’ve done fairly well with the internal but the external seems limited to barely existent. In your original the banter between the grandparents was great, and gave the story energy. It seemed to falter after that, a lot of things happened but no one talked to each other. You mentioned a break up, but didn’t share it, you mentioned Games with winners and losers but only gave outcomes, like you were reading off a tally sheet. The drama was missing. We need to know what people are thinking and feeling, not simply the who, what, where, when, how, and why of it, but bring in their senses, they have five of them; sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste, explore them as well.