Kinesics

"Listen, Roy, that's really flattering that a young guy like you has interest in me. But I'm forty right now, you're max twenty four. And those aren't the only reasons... I don't think it could work out in any way... and I think you know that too." She smiled sadly and in an apologetic way. "It really was fun, our conversation and our shared moments. You brought a woman out of me and it was a long time since anyone had done it. Thank you. I hope you understand."

"Oh, no, I get it. It's just... I mean... you're a really fascinating person... " I tried to pretend that it was cool, but felt a huge hole in my chest.

Of course I understood all of that! We were from completely different worlds, at completely different stages of life. It was hard for me to believe that she was forty, but I knew that she didn't lie. Why would she? And I was aware that it was only sex, it was beautiful, amazing, passionate, unique and thrilling... but still only sex. Despite knowing all of that I still had hope... or more precisely a fantasy, that it could be something more.

"Thank you." Tamara reached for me and her big hand again closed on my smaller one in a firm handshake. The goodbye handshake... I was probably deluding myself, but she seemed to be touched. Anyway, she let go of my hand and said, "Take care, Roy."

Then she started to walk away. This time, even the most desperate and lonely side of myself wouldn't try to stop her. Enough is enough. I needed to save what remained of my dignity. And keep in touch with reality. There was no chance...

... or maybe there was?! Tamara walked a couple of yards, but suddenly stopped. And stood like this, motionless, with her back facing me, for half a minute or more. As if she was fighting with herself inwardly. Eventually, she turned and started to slowly walk back to me. I could not believe that she did that.

During those seconds while she was getting closer, my brain tried to review every possible scenario. There was no way that she changed her mind and would give me her number, just like that, right? Or tell me that I'm the most amazing guy she ever met and give me the keys to her home. Even my inner teenager was suggesting that I lost my marbles. I could barely contain my shock, it almost hurt, because my facial muscles were so tense.

She stopped in front of me, maybe two feet away, with a serious expression on her face.

"I wanted to tell you one more thing at the end. Consider this as advice." My throat was so dry that I only nodded to show her that I was listening. She looked directly in my eyes and continued. "It's about kinesics. Listen... you're really good at this. And trust me, I may not have an academic knowledge about it, but based on my experience I can evaluate if someone has a good intuition and ability to read people's behavior and intentions. And you have both and also a healthy ego, which is quite helpful... Where are you studying?"

"University of California." I answered with a hoarse voice. Tamara nodded.

"Good. So my advice is... don't distract yourself with other stuff, focus on it and try to be the best. Learn hard, take additional courses. I truly believe that you have a future in that specialization, it may bring you many opportunities, as you probably already know, many companies from countless branches are looking for people with such skills." She stopped for a moment and looked at me thoroughly, as if she was trying to evaluate me. Later I understood why she made this pause. It was a decision moment for her. "When you finish your studies, get the diploma and so on... and still have an open mind for new things, then you can come here, to San Diego. There is a company named 'Priority Guard', they offer complex services in terms of security systems and personal and material protection, mostly for other companies. If you find them, then ask for the CEO, for Tamara Alenko..." At that moment she smiled. "...because I may have a job for you."

"Oh, sure, I will!" I stammered enthusiastically.

"That's the spirit." Tamara again smiled friendly and then embraced my shoulders in a final, farewell hug. It was so nice to cuddle with her big chest, especially knowing that it may not be the last time I see her. She patted me gently in the back and let go of me. "So, until next time!"

And then she turned again and this time walked away decisively, without looking back. I observed her big silhouette in the weak lights of dusk until she disappeared in the lower parts of the dunes. No longer I felt this vortex in the middle of my chest. I was at peace.

Tamara left me an opening. A chance to see her again. And whether she did it because of pity, pragmatic reasons, for really seeing me as a potential valuable employee or because of loneliness, seeing me as someone with whom she can at least spend time - it didn't really matter. What only mattered was that she did that.

And I wasn't terribly naive, I knew that it wasn't a promise of a romantic relationship or crazy sexual adventures with her, but it was a perspective, maybe only for an interesting job offer, maybe for friendship. Or maybe for job, friendship and other benefits.

One thing was certain - I had a goal. Acknowledging that made me realize that my life was lacking it. And I would never expect that going to the nude beach might fill that void...