All Comments on 'My Night at the Hotel Jacuzzi'

Congrats on your first story! I read your thread in the Story Feedback forum --- fictionalizing an actual event and composing a porn-clip style stroker are perfectly worthy goals, and you shouldn't feel compelled to alter your approach to writing if that's where the muse takes you.

But if you are seeking to write more of a literary erotic story (with emphasis on the storyline) then I second the feedback you received to your thread. There are some typos and punctuation issues with dialogue lines, but nothing too distracting. For a short word count, you do have a nice, natural tempo to the story arc.

For me, the story would benefit from upping the sexual tension. Your main character is someone who regularly indulges in lap dances on his travels. In the jacuzzi, the sex happens in a matter-of-fact, almost blasé way, without tension or suspense. This seems at odds with his statement: "That was amazing, Katie. I don't think I've ever cum so hard." Without having established a credible background for this praise, I was puzzled as to whether this was merely a post-orgasmic platitude, or was a dubious porn-clip style exaggeration. I want to feel/believe how it was amazing, not just be told it was. That would be helped by showing how the experience was unique/special and adding more tension/build up. Describing a female protagonist with no other character development as "not unappealing" does not sell the reader on her being a remarkable sexual partner. So what made it so exciting? Explore his emotions. Was it his first public experience? His first experience with a stranger (involving intercourse)? His first time cheating on a s/o? Maybe have the main character NOT be a strip club afficionado, but just a hard-working business traveler who is barreled over by this impromptu encounter that is so unexpected and so different from his usual life.

More build-up could be achieved by having him perhaps run into the woman in the lobby and notice her before realizing she is with someone else. Maybe encounter her again/exchange some words at the ice machine before he goes to the pool. Write out the small talk dialogue that preceded her grabbing his penis. Also agree with more emotions about the first gay experience.

From my experience on the site, there is a contingent of readers who find specific penis measurements and cup sizes to be off-putting --- even a deal breaker --- and prefer other ways of describing body parts. No doubt there are also readers who like such types of descriptions. Just something to consider in your future stories.

Now, I know you indicated that this story is highly embellished, but the anatomic inaccuracy of a penis entering the cervix compromised my ability to lose myself in the subsequent sex scene. In order to believe a fictional encounter between humans, the anatomy has to make sense. I speak as a female in the medical field who has taken anatomy courses, worked in gynecology clinics, and dissected numerous surgically removed uteri. This posting (not by me) in the "How to" area of the site goes into it further: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-plea-for-accuracy-and-truthfulness

I don't mean to be overly critical. Your writing certainly shows potential and good fundamentals. A traveling main character presents many opportunities for exciting erotic encounters. To your request for feedback, my thoughts in summary are a little more character development/emotion and a lot more sexual tension. Wouldn't necessarily require a huge number of additional words.

Plus, I agree about Pittsburgh --- it's a beautiful city.

These comments are something of a revelation to me. About a year ago I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and decided to start writing, Mostly stories (non erotic) about various experiences in my life. I thought my musings were pretty good. Then I wrote a few erotic stories and got this feedback. It felt a little harsh but entirely constructive. I’ve come to realize that I don’t write as well as I thought. Furthermore, I came to realize that Literotica is so much more than “Penthouse” stories. I’ve only read a dozen or so stories and have always looked for the horniest stories. That was my model. I’m trying to decide in what direction I should go, I can try to right more literate stories or I can write horny stories or maybe both. Anyhow, thanks.