All Comments on 'My Wife - A Black Gang Toy Ch. 18'

It was an ok story but my biggest problem was slipping from first person to second person and sometimes even third person in recounting events 3 *** stars

...stop switching between first, second and third person!

Even in the same paragraph!!

Ruins the whole flow of a great story. I really, really, really wanted to keep reading but I just couldn't keep up with who's telling the story.

PLEASE fix it.

These chapters have been pretty hot except this inability to understand the perspective that the narrative is being told from. It's very distracting and ruins the flow of the story. So, really, is Steve telling the story? Pat should most likely be too busy to tell her side I'm guessing. Why don't you choose a perspective and stick with that for each chapter. Do multiple chapters for the same scene, one from Steve's perspective and then a separate submission from Pat's etc.

Hot series but it would be better without the bi sex.

Well I guess the frustration is a double edged sword. Some want to see Steve more involved and what he thinks while others accuse me of not expressing Pat's feelings. So I figure that I can address both of those points of view. When I do that I get the stuff like I'm getting now. I am reading a book now where two people have equally active roles and it switches back and forth between the two with one talking and expressing their thoughts at one point and then the other all while interacting with each other. I fail to understand why that is so much of a problem here. Sorry to let people down. It might be a good time to stop. We'll see.

...your (author) comments.

Yes, it is true that telling a story can be a great trick. But only if you somehow delineate the point of view. Different style (italics-vs-non-italics, bold-vs-normal, etc..).

And.. seriously.. you can't switch in the same sentence!

All those who have taken the trouble to comment on it have done so to try to point out to you that, on this occassion, you got it wrong.

That doesn't mean it's a bad idea. No-one gets everything right first time.

Honestly.. it just doesn't flow. YOU know/think it does because you know who is saying what. The reader doesn't. You have to give some hints.

Also.. I agree that we could have done without the forced bi rape.

Take a look at the story title and see what the reader is expecting.

Really enjoying the story so far. Not too bothered about switching between first, second and third person because you keep the pace of the story up.

Enjoying involving Steve in the calendar and the gang bangs too.

Was hoping Officer Smith might have used home before untying him as well.