The B.F.G.

"Really... didn't... need to see that." She wrinkles her nose at the dick pic. "What does he mean, meet?" She asks.

"I rang to ask." I sniffle. "He thought I was Helen from work. He was meeting her at a motel for 'work things'. At a god damn motel. He's probably fucking her stupid brains out right now."

"Oh snap. That's fucked up."

"And his fucking mother is there looking after the kids so he can go fuck her. I feel so fucking stupid. I should have seen it all along. What do I fucking do now?"

"Well sugar, first thing I can think of is to make sure Ben and Sarah are okay." She's always so practical.

"Ungh... I'd have to talk with the wilderbeast then. God. What a mess."

"Come on, I'll make a cuppa and we'll work it out okay."

"How?" I pull at my hair. "How can it be worked out."

"Well, poor choice of words I guess, but you'll get through this. Baby steps though hey, sugar? Now, cups of tea and a quick call to his Mum. You can do this." She nods at me and I nod back.

Moments later she is fussing in the room's kitchenette. There's no such thing as just a cup of tea with Georgia. She comes out to the little table on the balcony where I sit and places two cups down, then returns with a small teapot that she's clearly brought from home, a little sugar bowl and a pot of milk. Finally, after coming back out with a plate full of sliced lamingtons she sits and motions for my phone.

"Give it shoogs. I'll call. Just a welfare check, okay?"

"Thanks, I wouldn't know what to say."

"The truth is usually the easiest option. Let's just keep it simple."

We sip tea and the lamingtons are actually pretty fucking good. After spewing so much, I'm hungry and they help the kind of hollow empty feeling inside me as well.

Georgie puts my phone on speaker and sits it on the table.

"Hello Sandy, how's the holiday possum?" God, I hate the two-faced bitch.

"Mrs Tate, it's Georgia here. Is Brad home?"

"No Georgia, he went to get a game of golf in while I was here. Is everything alright?"

"Well no, not really. He's actually gone to meet a woman called Helen. They are at a motel somewhere. Sandy found out and she's very upset. I just wanted to make sure the children are okay."

"Oh dear... Are you certain?"

"I could send you the picture of his penis that he mistakenly sent Sandy along with a request to meet?"

"That won't be necessary." She has entered disgusted mother mode. "Listen, you tell Sandy that the children are just fine. In fact, I think I'll have a very... hmm... 'brief'... conversation with Bradley when he returns and I'll take the children to my place for the rest of the week, if that suits her. Otherwise I can ring her family and work something out. She can collect them when she comes home. After she has finished deciding what she's going to do with that spoiled rat, of course. I can't believe some of the dumb things he does. His father should have taken the belt to him on occasion. Bloody hell. The poor girl."

"Just a second, Mrs Tate." Georgie covers the phone with her hand, "Sound okay?"

I just nod. Actually, taking the kids to her place is a great idea. At least I'll know they are looked after. For a nosey bitch, she does dote on them.

"Sandy says thankyou and she's sorry for the drama." I did not but okay.

"You tell Sandy that the drama is only just beginning as far as I'm concerned. I'm very disappointed in that son of mine. I wondered why he had to shower and shave for a game of golf. Whatever she needs... Tell her to take care."

"Will do, thank you."

Georgie smiles at me, "That wasn't so bad now. You know the kids are safe and I'll bet Brad's got one hell of a bloody angry mother to contend with when he gets home."

I just nod. Perhaps I should be happy that his mother is onside but there's no happiness in any of this. I just feel empty and betrayed.

"Well..." She eyes me carefully. "I'm off to see Judy. She was always the one any of us went to when shit hit the fan. After, we'll order room service and hang out in the room tonight okay?"

"Thanks, I'm not really up to the girls at the moment."

"Finish your cuppa. I'll be back in a tick."

Last week, the biggest problem I had in the whole world was that the idiot had bought a new boat. We were supposed to be saving for a house deposit. We had plans see? Clearly, he was on a completely different page to me. How long? How come? Was she prettier than me? Did she eww... Do things I won't? Gross. Just Gross. This whole time, we've been trying for a baby again.

Waves of emotions and thoughts assault me in a cycle of disgust, shame and mostly just a feeling like somehow, I wasn't good enough and somehow, he'd won.

When Georgia returns, she's carrying two tubs of ice-cream, four bottles of wine and the news that we're having a sleepover tomorrow night.

"No fucking way Georgie, not now. It'll just be a big pity party and they'll pick me to pieces."

"Mum's idea. Judy has had enough of Sin and Brian after the punching thing today and now with this shit, she thinks we should." Georgie shrugs, "Besides, what's not to like about the idea? It'll be just like old times even, pyjama's, snacks, you remember?"

"Ha. Yeah. I do. Kiss, dare or torture..." I shake my head at some of the memories. "I can see myself on the end of a few dares. There are things about Brad and I that I don't think I-"

"Like what?"

"See... This is why a sleepover is a bad idea now."

"Maybe it's a great idea. Whenever we had problems as kids, it fixed things didn't it?"

"They were kid problems, Georgie. How to kiss boys, what to do about Melanie Jackson, God, do you remember that thing with Steven Gibson?" I'm shaking my head and blushing.

"Haha, you and Sin almost got to fist fighting over him. Turns out he was gay the whole time."

We both laugh.

"So... Do you love him Sandy?" She asks suddenly serious.

"I did. The jerk. I do still a bit. I don't know. I'm just hurt. I don't know how I feel right now. There's too many things all at once."

"Well maybe some old movies, some ice-cream and some couch time will give you a bit of space to think, sugar. Come on."

Two or three hours later, I'm tapping at my phone next to a discarded empty ice-cream bucket, sipping at my umpteenth glass of wine.

"Watcha doin?"

"Oh..." How to explain myself? It's actually a bit sneaky. "I um... Just he gets petty at times and I had to change my password on my banking."

"Right. Up here for drinking." She taps her head and smiles. "You mean like you think he'd take your money or something?"

"Well, we have a joint savings for the house deposit and separate personal accounts, but we know each other's details just because sometimes I might need him to transfer some money for me or something and he's a total noob with apps and such so I do most of his. Oh shit."

Talking about it I remember the house savings. There's around thirty-three thousand in there so far. Well, with the damn boat taken out. We were close to our forty thousand goal too until Brad bought that thing. He doesn't even have a licence for fucks sake.

"What?"

"Oh just checking the get fucked!"

"What sugar?" She leans over to try and see my phone.

"Just." Fucking lying prick. "He said. The boat."

"Use your big words Sandy." She laughs.

"The lying prick said the boat cost five thousand. The payment recorded in the account is closer to ten thousand."

"Probably should freeze that one or something. Get the jump before he does something mean."

"On it." The balance prior to the boat had been thirty-eight thousand and change, so I transferred nineteen thousand to my personal account. I've paid in more than half that money. He can stick that remaining nine up his arse.

"Hey shoogs, so you like know his access details too, right?"

"Yeah, but no. Not going to be mean with his money. Just trying to be safe."

"No, no. Just thinking. You remember Harold?"

"Haha, yeah. Who dates a Harold?" I shake my head.

"Harold had his assets, sugar." She smiles holding up her fingers about eight inches apart.

"No way!"

"Uhuh."

"Dayumm, that would leave a bruise." I laugh.

"Very nicely too, but that's not the point. The point is that it's how I caught him cheating. I opened his bank statement."

"Oh... Right... On it."

Minutes later, I am crying again as I scroll through his spending. Georgia is rubbing my back.

"I'm gonna need a pen and paper." I sniff at her and she finds the complimentary notebook near the television. I jot down fourteen different dates on which he's paid exactly sixty-nine dollars to a grubby motel just up the road. Fourteen dates in just the last two months. There's also miscellaneous debits like three hundred dollars at a jewellery store, four hundred at a tyre place, a lot of things which I've never seen and clearly have been sweeteners for Helen.

I save his statement as a pdf in my phone and put it down. I'm done with this whole fucking mess. Particularly the one date that started me crying in the first place. Todays. The arsehole had paid for three nights today. Obviously after getting caught out, he was so remorseful that he booked them the room again for tonight and tomorrow seeing how he didn't have the kids.

My hurt and grief was changing form. A lump was setting in my chest. An angry, bitchy lump. I don't like me when I'm angry, but angry I am.

"Ah... Wondering how long it would take." Georgia scruffs my hair. "This is the Sandy I love."

My phone rings.

Georgia looks at it.

"Dickface."

"Hmm." I take it and place it down on the coffee table, slide right and press speaker.

"Sandra?"

"Yeah, you got the right number this time." He recognises this tone. He's heard it before.

"Look, sorry love it was all just a massive mix up."

"Right."

"Yeah, Helen is staying in a motel because her flat is being reno'd and needed some papers signed."

"So what was with the dick pic?"

"That was meant for you."

"And the question about meeting that followed?"

"Just playing, you know it's not too far for me to drive baby..." There is a suggestive tone to his reply that makes me laugh.

Georgia makes a shotgun pumping gesture and I agree wholeheartedly. Taking a very big breath I continue, "Now Bradley I need you to listen very carefully for a few minutes, then you can decide whether to speak again or not. Understand, 'baby'."

"Ah yeah."

"So, you have lied to me for the very last time. I don't know if we are going to be able to salvage our relationship but if there is a tiny chance, it relies on you not lying to me ever again. Got it?"

"Anything Sandy."

"How long?"

"God look, I didn't mean for..."

"Answer the question."

"This was supposed to be the first time."

"Uhuh. I see you've made your choice then."

"What?"

"There are things you need to know and some things you need to do. Firstly, I've taken my half of the savings. You're left with your half minus the bloody boat." I have to stop him interrupting before I continue, "Shut your lying mouth and just listen."

"Right."

"I've also changed my log in details so don't even think about touching my account."

"Jesus, why Sandy? We can work this out baby."

"Obviously not. You see I also took a look at your account. Don't worry I didn't touch your pay. But I did find some quite interesting spending. Tell me, what sort of quality do you get for a sixty-nine dollar room?"

"Ok then..." He sounds defeated and good. "So, what? What now?"

"Well, you go back to your little slut at the motel you booked for a couple of nights of fun while your Mum has the kids and I think the polite way to put it is, "GET FUCKED!" The last part was screamed.

There is a long silence and Georgia is nodding and making silent applause.

"Oh and 'baby'?"

"Yes."

"Be out of the house by Saturday. If you touch one single thing of mine or the kids, I will... It will be bad."

"Ok then. Look... I'm sorry, okay. This isn't how I-"

"Hahaha... How you what, fuckwit?"

"I was meeting her today to put an end to things. I don't want to lose the kids you know and..."

"Oh. So that's why you booked a few nights. An extra 'good' goodbye? You're a special bus kind of special Bradley. Now it's time for you to fuck off out of my life. I am busy with a few things. Like trying to find a good doctor up here to get myself some fucking blood tests. God knows what you've given me you cheating slime."

"Sorry..."

"Yes. You are. Very sorry." And just like that I ended a four-year relationship with the father of a two and one year old. The strange thing was the sadness and loss I'd felt, lifted log a fog from my shoulders. A weird elation filled me like when you unburden yourself and your shoulders feel light.

"Feels good?"

"For now." I tell Georgia. "For now."

"Um... Look, sugar... You should probably ring his Mum and fill her in on all the details. You don't want him trying to take the kids and use them as leverage."

"Oh fuck. Yeah. Right."

Much later; I think Ellen, his mum and I spoke for nearly an hour, I wipe my weary eyes and put down my glass of wine. Georgie has stayed with me the whole time despite her own weariness and I love her for it. She's a good friend.

"Come on shoogs. Shower and bed."

I nod, I could really use scrubbing this whole day off me. He's the cheater but why do I feel so dirty? I go first and I'm already half asleep when I feel Georgie climb in behind me.

"Shh... Nothing queer. It's me, not Cam, sugar." She laughs quietly and pulls me in to be her little spoon.

.............................

JACINTA LOUISE MORGAN

"Watch and learn, padi-wan." Cam tells the new girl. I like her. She's saucy. Kind of coffee coloured and timid around us but there's a defo spark of 'fuck you' in her that I admire. I think Cam is kind of hot for her too and that makes me happy. She's hidden her inner gay bitch for so fucking long. They'd make cute babies if one of them had a dick.

I suck in a fucking huge breath. We're having a fucking sleepover for fuck sakes. If I'd known that I'd never have come. Jesus. KDT. Kiss Dare Torture. Standard sleepover rules. It's an inquisition not a fucking sleepover. Yes, we wear pyjamas. Yes, we eat shitty snacks and giggle and fuck yes, we talk smack. But goddamn, the rules.

Lie... Cheat... Don't answer... Any misstep is Kiss, Dare, Torture and these days my torture is I can't just go straight for Kiss anymore.

"Bellended Fuck Gadget." I tell him.

"Cherry Bomb." His eye though. It still shines on mine.

"Butt Fisting Gimp."

He laughs, I love his dimple. He used to have two.

"Fanta Pants." There are no signs for it, and he doesn't need them. I just watch his lips. I learned to lip read while he was in hospital; before we all started learning to sign. My head tips back and I laugh in his face.

"Hmmm... Bucktoothed Fart Guzzler." I nod with self-appreciation for the anagram. Girl got skillz...

He wheezes and I can almost remember his laugh. I'm sure a tear forms but I brush it away.

"How bad?" His lips say. I love that no-one else can hear us because I hold his hands still in front of his body. "Can we..." I indicate somewhere. Anywhere.

"Oh God. A sleepover." I tell him when we are finally far away enough for people not to hear me.

I love his lips. I miss his kisses. Chaste, but still his lips. He'll never kiss me like that again though. It makes me sad.

"They'll just ask me everything. What do I say?"

"Nothing. Everything." He shrugs. "As little or as much as you like. You speak your truth, darlin."

"Fuck."

He picks me up. No-one picks me up. I'm five foot ten and weigh almost seventy kilos. Most of it is tits and arse. Always, he's made me feel this safe and 'little'. He sits me on his lap and runs his fingers through my hair. He lifts my chin so I can see his lips.

"Good punch." He smirks.

My shoulders shrug in silent laughter.

"You said," I sign 'I do.' "Not" 'I did'. There's a nuance.

"Never stopped, my little firecracker."

"Fuck." I rub my forehead. I did. There are times I can't even look at myself when I remember. Sometimes even when I look at little Tony... I just hate myself.

"Shh." He places his finger to his lips and breathes silently. "What do you need?"

That's the problem. They are going to fucking pull me apart. I saw Judies face when she told us, "Sleepover. Too much bullshit. Sort yourselves out, young ladies."

"Hey." He tips my face up and kisses me on my nose. "No shame. I do. I love you. Share your truth."

"But I'm so embarrassed?" I plead.

He shrugs... "It'll be okay... Orangutan."

With that, he stands, dropping me back to me feet and does his own 'special' sign for orangutan which involves loping around with his arms on the ground. I can't help but giggle and frown at Judy's hand on her heart.

"Butt Felching Gibbon!" I yell at him in mock anger and I simply love Cam's laughter as she whispers in the coffee coloured creature's ear.

Taking Tony from his perch on Judie's knee; I worry. This day is going to be fucking huge. First there's the sleepover tonight. Then there's Mum. My real Mum. She's been dry for nearly six months now and as much as it was a hard road growing up, she's still my Mum.

I take my little man back to our room and we fuss. He doesn't like 'dressing up'. His typical uniform in summer is undies. Maybe a singlet if we're going somewhere. When he goes to day-care he begrudgingly wears shorts and a shirt. We haven't seen Mum for almost twelve months.

She checked into rehab when Tones was two, just after his birthday party that she showed up drunk to. When she pissed herself in front of the handful of other Mum's I'd invited from day care, I put her in a cab and sent her home. It's been tense but important.

This little man has taught me so much.

Budgeting... God, I used to spend everything willy nilly. Now I have meal planners, auto debits, and if I'm lucky at the end of the month, I have enough for something special. At the end of the quarter, if I've been good, I have 'play' money.

Three hundred and six dollars and fourteen cents convinced me that I might even be able to relax enough about money on this holiday. A hundred of those dollars was held aside for Mum's visit today.

We're going to Underwater World. It's always... Well, almost always been my favourite place on the coast. Tony's never been there. I'm hoping he learns to love it as much as me. I hope he finds such wonder and immersion as I always felt.

We lived out bush and I first saw this place when the cunt took us here for a druggy holiday.

The cunt. (lower case). The cunt was my stepdad. (also, lower case). He used a family holiday as an excuse to come to the coast and buy enough speed to take home and distribute. The whole time we stayed in the motel room because he was paranoid as fuck. Except one day.

Mum took a slap to the face and a kick to the thigh for it, but he took us to Underwater World. Well, he paid for it and we went, but he sat at Fridays and drank.

I was seven. He hadn't hurt me yet.

That day was magic. For a few hours, Mum was just Mum. We looked at otters and watched seals and I played with crayfish in the touch tanks. My favourite place was the underwater tunnel where you could watch sharks swim overhead on the other side of thick Perspex and teaming fish and all manner of things that just broke a little country girls mind with wonder.

So, today is kinda big. It's my gift of that first day back to her. She's dry. Maybe she can make a relationship with her grandson.

My family? Damn. Look at them. All kind of broken. This collection of girls that I met that first day of primary school. That Broken Fucken God. Their friends and partners. I haven't had much contact, if any, for five years. By design. By shame. And they're falling apart now too.