Threading the Needle Ch. 12

Unlike them, Winnie and Lena were in completely different places. Lena was the most content of all four of them. Nothing that happened challenged how she viewed herself. "I may not sleep around as much as some," she told herself, sparing a somewhat scathing thought for Liz, "but I'm not innocent either. And we have been flirting for a while now." At the same time, she truly cared for Winnie as a friend. When she searched her feelings honestly, she admitted that was still how she felt about her.

"She's a friend who happens to be sexy and desirable," she thought. "And I'm not sure we'll ever be more than that." She sighed as she put her sleeping bag into the SUV. "I hope we didn't screw that up." It wouldn't be the first time. She played around with a good friend once before. As much as they tried, they never could get past that. Even though they agreed that it wouldn't work between them, it hadn't stopped jealous feelings from arising on both sides. Eventually they just stopped talking and Lena hadn't seen her friend in a couple of years.

"And the fact that she is just coming out, that complicates it too," she thought to herself. Lena wasn't sure whether Winnie really had accepted her sexuality. "Last night was a safe spot where it didn't have any consequences. It was her chance to experiment, but I don't really want to be someone's experiment, especially if that ends up hurting her." Lena knew herself well enough to know she wouldn't be exclusive with Winnie.

"Especially if Liz beckons," she told herself in a bitter accusation. As much as Liz's games pissed her off, she couldn't shed her desire for her. "Even though I know there is nothing long term there either." She sighed again as she picked up her gear bag. "For someone who got laid last night, I should feel better," she thought.

Lena was almost right on with Winnie's state of mind, although perhaps she didn't give her quite enough credit. Last night was every bit as wonderful as she dreamed it would be. Whereas sex with guys was something she did with only mild enjoyment, she loved every moment of being with a beautiful and sexy woman like Lena. The heights of ecstasy were intense. Even now, she could still feel a slight afterglow from their night, a warm satisfaction throughout her body.

It made her concerns all the worse. Now that the genie was out if the bottle, could she put it back? "Nothing has changed with my parents, but I've changed. I changed last night," she thought. She finished packing the bag she had and brought it over to the car. Through the window, she could see Rikki talking with Indigo about the river. She watched her for a moment, admiring her lovely features. "I'd never be able to take home the person I chose to share my life with."

Tearing her eyes away from Rikki, she shook her head. "Maybe I wouldn't be welcome either," she thought. It wasn't the first time it occurred to her. She really didn't know, and it never felt like she could broach the subject without exposing her to the same risk. "I'm stuck in this limbo," she said to herself.

Looking at Lena helped a little. While so much was complicated, last night at least hadn't been. It felt natural. All the awkwardness she associated with sex was missing. Beyond that, Lena was a lovely and sweet woman. "I'm so lucky to have her as a friend," she thought. She helped make her first experience so good. "I wish I could be as sexy and uninhibited as she is," Winnie thought.

Still, no matter how good it was, Winnie easily separated the physical attraction from the emotional one. A repeat of last night might be fun, but she couldn't see it going any further than mutual enjoyment. Falling in love required a spark that just wasn't there for her.

Her eyes flicked back over to look at Rikki. She was at the SUV, leaning in to put a last bag away. Her t-shirt rode up exposing her back, while her fleece pants hung low on her hips. It gave Winnie a partial view of her bikini bottoms. She inwardly groaned at the sight. It was impossible for her not to wonder what spending a night with Rikki would be like. Once again, she forced herself to turn away and try to refocus on Lena.

"I don't think it's any different for Lena. I'd be surprised if she wants more than to have fun," she thought. It wasn't a mean-spirited thought. It was just in the short time she'd known her, Lena seemed comfortable with juggling multiple lovers. "There's Liz, and Indigo, plus me. And the ways she kissed Rikki ...." she thought, trailing off as a wave of jealousy washed over her. She really didn't like the idea of sexy, experienced Lena truly trying to seduce Rikki. "How could I compete with that?" she wondered. She let out a deep sigh before noticing that everyone was starting to get into the cars.

"Stop being stupid," she told herself. "You had an amazing night. And you're going rafting on a new river. Those are good things!" She got into the backseat, next to Lena. "Besides," she thought, "Rikki isn't a lesbian."

"Like me."