All Comments on 'Virgins No More'

Don’t really like the whole sister turns lesbian and just uses her brother ending. That’s a sad ending to me.

Pretty good up until the end which was at best, a limp whimper.

I'm just starting on page two of this train wreck, but it's interesting enough that in spite of the many problems that it has I still want to finish it.

Problem #1 - Believability: I can tell that you at least put some effort into planning out how your characters were going to interact with each other, but you still have extremely weak spots that are only one sheet short of a hole. You've painted Malcolm as a twenty something year old virgin, and in fact revealed that he and Melanie both give up their virginity to each other. But on the path to get there, you wrote:

"Right? So, I went to leave but he was like 'You can watch if you like.'"

Seriously? What reclusive virgin man is going to be that forward towards a girl? Much less the girl who is his sister's BFF? Check your belief in a normal universe at the door, folks!

Problem #2 - Structure: You began your story in the Third Person Narrative. But then we hit the next chapter and it switched over to Jess's First Person POV. At least you made it to the chapter break before you switched. 😟

Problem #3 - Proofreading: At the beginning of the second chapter, Melanie checking on Jess's state of consciousness calls her Jamie. There's also a smattering of typographical errors scattered throughout.

÷

Since my main story is a little bit similar, I obviously the brother/sister/best friend love Triad trope. And apparently the girls are discovering their bisexuality together as well which also piques my prurient interests. So that gives you an advantage from the very beginning. 🤔 I only hope that you don't continue to squander that advantage as I dive deeper into your story. I'm really feeling 3/5 at this moment.

Horrible ending even though it was worded beautifully. I'm so disappointed. 😞