All Comments on 'VR Discoveries Ch. 02'

Interesting premise. It's a little hard to follow in places, but I like the premise.

For me, the unintended consequences and unforeseen problems are what make a story like this really pop.

As a suggestion, maybe use italics to separate her inner dialogue from the narration that's explaining things. It's good to see what she's thinking, and how she's struggling with stuff, but it's also hard to understand for a lot of non-gamer/non-techno readers. For example, when the Imp hit her with that hypnosis spell.... what did that mean? What was the big deal? She was partially hypnotized for a second, I guess, but then threw it off. But then it seemed like it had some effect on her even though the Imps never said anything. What were the signs and symbols supposed to mean? Why'd she leave the game?

You made a big deal out of it being a 1/100 freak occurrence but the tension was lost on readers like myself who aren't up on the gaming lingo.

That paragraph was all too short, like you were trying to fit a ton of information into just a few sentences. While that might work a lot of the time, in this case it really didn't because the scene wasn't set. If she was fighting the under-powered imps and one of them got in a lucky hit... great. But then it's done and we have no idea what it all meant.

Also, there's no need to be so specific. Saying she broke free in "1.5 seconds" implies you're timing it. Why 1.5 and not 1.6 or 1.4 or 1.53? Much better to say something like, "I'm sure I must have looked like a zombie as I stumbled towards the Imp who'd gotten in a lucky hit. Thankfully, I was able to overpower his Hypno Spell before the third step, and took his head off with my trusty sword for good measure! The little fool never saw it coming!"

That still doesn't explain why she was worried about the hypnosis spell in the first place, or what the hypno command symbols were supposed to be about. Why was that important to talk about at all? Why was she worried about a low-level spell like that? It felt like you were using that scene to set up something in the future, but it's not clear.

Anyhow, keep up the good work. I'll look forward to seeing the next chapter.

I was debating adding a "geek dictionary segment" to explain some of the phrasing. Lot of the time im using gaming lingo im just using it to add color and the nerdy vibe of an mmo. I'll start adding some sidebar descriptions in the later chapters for sure.

Here is a short list of phrases i noticed that may confusing for this chapter

Despawning - To delete or remove something in game once it no longer interacts with anything else to save computing resources.

Debuff / Buff - A buff is a benefical effect on a character, a debuff is a negative effect. Debuff resist makes you less likely to get effected by debuffs (Blindess, slows, etc )

IRL - short for "In Real Life", slang for anything happening out of game or offline

Blocking someone - Blocking someone in a chat application means that they can either not send you messages or their messages get hidden automatically in your inbox.

Mobs - Short hand for not important non player characters in a game. An other often used phrase is "trash"

Reading it later i can see that the "imp hitting with the charm spell" part is a bit vague. In short it was supposed to be a very mundane occurrence, something that happens all the time during a longer gaming session. But for Lori it was a freak situation because of a newly awakened fetish that she is repressing HARD. My intention was to keep that in the subtext as Lori herself is not willing to really accept it herself. It was something mundane, that she had no problems with before, but now it pushed her horny buttons.

Its a common fault of my writing that i tend to skip a few thoughts here and there. As i dont have a beta reader for this story these will likely keep showing up. Sorry for the inconvenience ^^ , hope its still an enjoyable story regardless.