What It Takes

"You not even gonna try n' defend yourself?" He yelled after me. No I wasn't, fuck him!

••

I wanted to run, but where to? The tears were streaming down my face by now, as I looked for somewhere to hide. A voice called my name, but I didn't turn to see who it was. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and spun round in fright. It was Ben.

"Elle, what the fuck's happened?" He asked concerned when he saw that I was crying. I just sobbed hard and flung my arms around him. He held me close soothing me with soft words and waited for me to calm down before he lead me outside to sit on some grass by the security fence. He told me to wait whilst he got me some tissues and a drink.

I adored Ben, we'd been mates for years, we thought the same, shared the same tastes and argued constantly, but of all my friends he was the most sensitive and I was glad that it was him who'd found me. It all came out when he sat down next to me handing me a beer and toilet roll. Everything. Even the fact that I was in love with Jerry, which was the first time I'd said it out loud, therefore making it real. I began to cry again. He put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him letting myself go.

"I knew right from the start that something like this would happen eventually, but I really hoped for the best. Pessimism was always the best outlook to take; I shouldn't have let him get so close!" I whimpered.

"Elle, you can't help who you fall in love with. Look it's just a knee jerk reaction from him. I can see how that scene earlier with Phil could've looked from the outside, if you were my bird, I'd probably be kicking off too. He'll come to his senses and will be begging you for forgiveness by the end of the day. Trust me."

"He called me a whore Ben!" I said sitting up blowing my nose on the scratchy toilet paper. "How do you get over something like that?"

"You have to remember he's not led the same life that we have. It's been sex, drugs and rock'n'roll for him for years. He's seen it all and you know he's had a lot of women who are groupies. I'm guessing he thinks you're different and for whatever reason that episode with Anselmo has made him question his judgement, he's hurt and he wants to hurt you too. They're just words Elle said in the heat of the moment. Don't take them to heart."

I sniffed and lit a cigarette thinking about what Ben had said. "But there's no trust is there? I was ok about him being on tour, I mean of course deep down I knew he was fucking around, but it's easy not to think about it, to pretend that he was only ever thinking of me. But he's shattered that illusion by bringing that child here."

"Don't go jumping to conclusions about the girl. You don't know if she spent the night with him, it might have been with one of the road crew for all you know. And he might just be using her to get back at you."

"You're so fucking rational Ben!" I managed a tight laugh. "Thank you."

"Any time babe. Now don't look, but Jerry's just walked outside." Of course I looked up immediately and our eyes met. I saw a flicker of emotion in him, but it was so brief I didn't have to time to register what it was. Then he just looked away as if I didn't exist. Hayley wasn't with him, so I supposed that was something. I stood up then, gutted that he'd seen me in this state, as I imagined black streaks of mascara staining my face.

"I'm going to sort my face out Ben. I'll come and find you at the bar later." I walked the long way round not wanting to be anywhere near Jerry in case he was tempted to give me another mouthful of hatred. When I looked in the mirror, it was even worse than I thought, my eyes were bright red and swollen there was no mascara left on my lashes, it was all on my cheeks and my pink t-shirt. At least I had my shades and I could change my shirt and fling on a Metallica one. Ben was right, I could be blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I wasn't going to cry about it anymore, but I was still really hurt and didn't think that we'd be making up any time soon.

Lars was strangely undemanding for the rest of the day and even told me I could spend the rest of the day with my friends, just as long as we were all back in time to see him, James, Kirk & Rob go on and kick Donington's arse. Jerry must've left at some point in the early evening, he certainly wasn't around for Metallica's set. I was glad, I didn't think I could bear to be the recipient of another one of those withering looks.

••

I felt and looked like utter shit the next day as I got on the redeye to Dublin, there's nothing like a good cry and vast amounts of alcohol to do guarantee that living dead look. The last thing I wanted to do was be anywhere near Jerry Cantrell. The thought of having to spend the day trying to avoid him especially without having Ben to lean on filled me with dread.

Going through the motions on autopilot, I made it through most of the day by hiding out in various places I knew Jerry wouldn't be, until I got a text from him in the early afternoon. 'I was so wrong. Real sorry i said those things. Can we talk?' I felt kind of numb when I read it but didn't trust myself to reply, so I put my phone away deciding he could sweat. The next thing was a delivery for me in Lars' dressing room of all places.

"Hey Elle, you have some flowers here. You wanna come get them? Shall I open the card for you?"

"No Lars, leave it for me."

"So who's the lucky fella then?"

"No one Lars, there is no fella." I replied flatly.

This time it was two dozen white roses. 'Yeah why not spend twice the money Jerry, that'll make it easier to forgive you' I thought contemptuously. I opened the card as Lars remained uncharacteristically silent.

I am really really sorry!

Please forgive me

J xxx

I snorted and shoved the card into my bag. Lars finally spoke.

"Elle I know who they're from." He spoke gently.

"Did you read the card Lars?" I was in the mood for an argument and didn't care if I was about to start it with my boss apparently.

"No. I heard the shouting match you had with Jerry yesterday. He told me everything. Look I wasn't gonna get involved Elle, you're both really special to me, but I can't bear to see you like this. He was a dick, he knows it too. He's a lot like me y'know Elle, he can fly off the handle pretty quickly without thinking about the consequences. I put him straight, so did Pepper. Y'know he feels really bad, why don't you go and talk to him?"

"So if it wasn't for you he'd still think I was a whore then Lars, is that what you're saying." I snapped angrily.

"No Elle, he didn't meant that, he was just lashing out. Like I said he's impetuous sometimes. But I think that shows how much he cares about you. And that girl was purely for your benefit yesterday, he didn't do anything with her. She was sent packing straight after you left."

"How mature!" I sat down hard on the sofa and lit a cigarette. "You've got a Meet & Greet now, you'd better get going." I said sulkily.

"Ok I'm going, but think about what I said Elle. Do you really want to throw this away?"

Lars left me alone, his words ringing in my ears. Did I want this to be over? Of course I didn't. Part of me wanted to run to him, but my pride was wounded and I was one stubborn son-of-a-bitch. A bunch of poxy flowers wasn't enough to melt my heart.

••

Not surprisingly, I didn't watch Alice and I made damn sure that I was nowhere near Jerry when Metallica took to the stage. I was still brooding. Although I was pretty sure he'd be given a second chance, I couldn't quite bring myself to make the final step, he'd have to work a little harder for that. We stood on opposite sides of the stage and I tried really hard not to look in his direction, but I could feel he's eyes boring into me most of the time.

James' family was over so they could celebrate his eldest daughter's birthday together. He called her onstage and got the Dublin audience to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. It was an extremely touching moment and I felt the tears pricking my eyes as I was overcome with emotion. The next song on the set list was 'Nothing Else Matters' and I had to really hold the tears back when it started as I remembered Jerry singing it to me back in the karaoke bar. I looked for him then, but I couldn't see him. James announced that a friend of his was going to be helping him sing. And my heart leapt when he said Jerry's name.

At the very same time a voice said in my ear "For you baby." I turned but Jerry had already walked past me on to the stage. I looked over at Lars; he was grinning and gave me a wink.

The harmonies between James & Jerry were so beautiful that I did cry then, silently letting the tears fall down my face. He was completely forgiven and soon I was going to be in his arms where I hoped I belonged.

As soon as the vocals finished Jerry bowed to James and headed straight back towards me, I almost ran into his arms and he gathered me up. Wrapping my legs around his waist I kissed him as he carried me backstage and I wasn't sure if the round of applause that went up from the people stood in the wings was for us or the song.

"I'm sorry Elle," Jerry began lowering me to the ground when we were away from the stage, "I didn't mean any of that shit I said, I am so sorry I hurt you." He brought his hands to my face and brushed the remaining tears away with his thumbs.

"I know baby. It's ok." I smiled up at him.

"No it's not. And I'm gonna make it up to you, but first I need to tell you somethin' real important." He said earnestly looking deep into my eyes. "I love you."

Wow, I was not expecting that! I felt my eyes widen as his words sunk into my consciousness causing every fibre of my being to buzz with happiness. The smile spread quickly across my face.

"Oh! That's… I love you too."

We stood grinning at each other like idiots, until finally he kissed me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I never wanted him to let me go.

"C'mon," he said when we came up for air and took my hand, "we got some makin' up to do."

"Where are we going?" I asked laughing trying not trip over my skirt as he pulled me along at speed.

"Lars has given us his dressing room to 'talk' and you the rest of the night off. I need to get you alone right now!"

Crashing into the room, we locked the door behind us and fell into each other's arms as we rained a flurry of hungry kisses upon each other. It felt like the room was spinning around us and we tumbled back onto the sofa where I had sat earlier sulking. The length of Jerry's body covered mine, his hard on digging into my thigh as we got reacquainted.

I could feel his fingers searching for the hem of my gypsy skirt, filling handfuls with it as he went. Finally exasperated he pulled out of the kiss.

"What the hella ya wearin'; a fuckin' circus tent? I wanna feel your skin under my fingertips, but I think I'm gonna need a map!" We laughed and I grabbed hold of my skirt and hitched up around my waist.

"That do ya?"

"For now…" he replied trailing his fingers delicately along my thigh. "I've missed your soft skin against me," He breathed "and your lips on mine." He kissed me softly then leaned back to look into my soul as I was now used to. "I won't ever hurt you again Elle, I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Jerry," I whispered, gently tucking a lock of blonde hair behind his ear. "I know you mean it, but neither of us know what the future holds."

"I do. You n' me baby and happily ever after." I smiled at his sweetness, surely he wasn't that naïve, or was I just being overly cynical again? "Enough chat, back to the makin' up, I need to be inside you like, yesterday!" He drawled bringing his mouth down to my neck and sucking hard. I closed my eyes, gasping as he set me on fire, my pussy aching for him. Reaching down between us I purposely undid the top button of his jeans and lowered the zip slowly and deliberately, before reaching inside and taking his cock into my hand. Now it was his turn to gasp. "I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you right now Elle." He murmured intently, his eyes illuminating the emotion behind his words, I felt it too and needed him as much.

"Then don't wait, I don't want you to." I replied pushing his jeans further down his legs to speed things up. He sat back for a moment to swiftly remove my knickers. It all seemed so ethereal after that, like it was happening in slow motion.

Jerry ran his hands from my knees up along my thighs pushing them apart; I could feel my heart beating throughout my entire body as he came back towards me. Kissing me, he leant his forearms either side of my shoulders and stroked my face as he entered me unhurriedly, pulling back out rather quickly and burying himself again slower still. It felt devastatingly wonderful, but as he kept it up I didn't know how he could stand it.

"I won't last much longer…" I sighed as he withdrew from me.

"Then come baby, I want you to. I'll be right behind you."

"But I don't want this to end."

I held back for as long as I could and when I came it was glorious. Jerry continued his leisurely thrusting, prolonging it I'm sure. As I began to calm he finally let go, a moan of pure ecstasy escaping from his lips.

We laid still in each other's arms basking in the afterglow of consummating our love until it became apparent that Metallica had finished their set. Even then we didn't hurry, happy to be in our little bubble, where right then everything was perfect.

••

Following Dublin we got to spend some time together in Austria when Metallica and Alice shared the bill for the final time that summer, Jerry went out and sang 'Nothing Else Matters' again, it was getting beyond cheesy now and I made sure he knew it. I was expecting it to somehow feel different now that we didn't have to sneak around, I was worried it would take away an element of excitement. But it did nothing to quell our passion; it did serve to piss Lars off though. I don't think he was very happy that his Assistant was getting distracted by one of his mates. He obviously felt uncomfortable with it and was biting his tongue. I tried to make Jerry behave, but it was too difficult to stay away from each other. Surprisingly though he still took me along with him when Alice played in Denmark after Metallica had finished up with Europe. I flew to London the next day for a holiday whilst Lars kicked back in his home country too.

It was great to be home with my Mum and Dad fussing over me, but after a few days, once I'd finally relaxed, the effects of the travelling and stress started to come out as they always did when I stopped for breath. I slept a lot, but was constantly tired and irritable. I was off my food too it seemed everything I tried to eat tasted weird and me feel sick. My Mum kept trying to make me go to a Doctor, she liked a good medical drama, but I knew I'd bounce back in a week or so; just in time to see Jerry. I still managed to squeeze in a few meetings in town along with a few day trips and lunch dates with old friends and colleagues, so I wasn't completely incapacitated.

Extravagantly I checked into the County Hall Marriott the night before Jerry was due in town. I'd never stayed there before, it was so bloody expensive and I usually just crashed at a mates or my parents whenever I was in town. But it was worth it for the view of the river and the Houses of Parliament alone.

I was on the phone to Rachael the PR exec at the record company going through the artwork mock ups on my laptop for the Metallica DVD that was due out in time for Christmas when Jerry arrived.

"Hey honey, I'm home!" He shouted as soon as he walked through the door I spun around to see him smiling brightly, looking tanned and healthy with his hair tied back. Oh how he made me weak. What crappy timing! I got up and kissed him a quick hello before sitting back down on the edge of the sofa to carry on the conversation. Jerry jumped over the back and slid his legs either side of mine and pulled me back against him. Immediately his hands were on my breasts massaging them, his mouth closed around my free ear sucking lightly. I didn't stop him happy to feel him so close to me. "Get off the phone," he whispered "I got three weeks of lovin' to give you." I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on Rachael's voice in my other ear. He reached a hand down to pull up my skirt and began to rub me through my knickers. I gasped before I knew what I was doing.

"Are you ok?" Rachael asked concerned.

"Yeah, sorry I thought I was about to sneeze, but it's gone now." I slapped his hand away and sat forward to click onto the next proof, Jerry moved forward too so that I could feel his hard on rubbing against my back. I got up then and moved my laptop so I could sit in the chair opposite. Looking back at him I saw the extent of his amour, all ten inches of it making an impressive struggle for freedom through his combats. I smiled cheekily at him and opened up a new email window on my laptop and typed 'Is that a canoe in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?' and turned it round for him to read.

"What this?" he mouthed pointing down at it "This, is for you!" He began to unzip himself. My train of thought went completely then and I had no idea what Rachael had just said. "Two minutes!" I mouthed back.

"Sorry Rachael, can you say that again?" I got up again and knelt on the armchair with my back to Jerry knowing I wouldn't be able to finish the call if I carried on watching. I should've known that wouldn't have stopped him. I leaned my elbows on the back of the chair whilst I instructed Rachael to get the proofs printed in San Francisco to be biked over to HQ for the boys to approve as Jerry climbed on the chair behind me and pinned me to it. His hands were straight under my skirt tugging my panties down to my knees, then one reached up under my vest top twisting a nipple as the other wound around me and found my clit. I was biting both my lips so I didn't give the game away to Rachael.

"I ain't waitin' any longer baby, I'll just take you right here, right now." Jerry murmured lustily in my ear. I knew he would so I cut Rachael off mid sentence telling her that I had another important call coming through, I'd call her later if I needed to discuss anything else. I hung up without even saying goodbye and threw the phone on the floor.

"What are you waiting for?" I demanded leaning back into him and twisting my head so I could kiss him. He bit my bottom lip and pulled it into his mouth sucking on it for a second then pushed me forwards and drove himself into me hard. The pain was immense not having had him in me for 3 weeks, but his second and third thrusts were exquisite and we both came almost instantly.

He pulled out of me and stood back so I could turn around. I did so quickly and began undressing. "Take me to bed Cantrell or fuck me right here, I don't care. Just do that to me again."

"I think that can be arranged." Jerry laughed pulling his t-shirt off and grabbing me around the waist he kissed me properly for the first time in weeks. I felt him stirring against my thigh already as he backed me towards the bed. My legs hit it without warning and I sat down automatically and quite unceremoniously. "I feel like l should be layin' you on a bed of roses not dumping you on you ass." We both laughed. "Seriously, though, I've not been very romantic have I?"

"I don't care Jerry, you're here that's all that matters to me."

"Well then lemme make love to you, not just fuck your brains out... until later anyway." He leaned over and kissed me again as we moved up the bed, never letting his lips leave mine. I laid my head back on the pillow as he propped himself up on one arm and laid next me, his fingers idly trailing across my skin. "Hello." He said as we looked at each other properly.