What It Takes

Jerry smiled and agreed somewhat distractedly and I felt he was just humouring me, which I found quite annoying. It dawned on me then that he'd hardly said a word since we'd boarded. "Have I done something wrong Jerry?" I asked puzzled by his mood.

"No. Why'd ya say that?" He replied. I chewed the inside of my cheek wondering whether to push it or not.

"Well you've barely spoken since we got in the capsule, I wasn't sure if it was something I'd said."

"Of course not!" Jerry smiled pulling me to him and kissing the end of my nose lightly. "I've just been listening to my knowledgeable tour guide. There may be a test later and I don't want to screw up." He laughed and I melted, as usual.

When our ride was over, we walked east along The Thames and I laid with my head in Jerry's lap under a tree near Gabriel's Wharf. By two o'clock the office workers who been grabbing an hour of sunlight had begun to return to their air conditioned offices for the rest of the afternoon. I would've quite happily stayed there all day, it was idyllic, there was a light breeze coming of the river which was the only respite I'd felt from the heat in days. But Jerry was keen that I make it home for my Doctor's appointment with plenty of time to spare, so we carried on our walk along the river past a few more sights and took a train from London Bridge.

••

My appointment was for 4.00pm and typically they were running late. Usually I didn't mind, it meant that the Doctor was thorough and gave each patient the time they needed rather than fobbing them off and kicking them out as quickly as possible. However this time with Jerry sitting holding my hand in the waiting room I felt really nervous and glanced at my watch every 30 seconds.

Finally at 4.25pm I was called. "Do you want me to come in with you?" Jerry asked as I stood up.

"Nah, I'll be alright, he's really nice." I smiled as reassuringly as possible.

It was like greeting an old friend as I walked into Doctor Malone's office and once we got the pleasantries out of the way I described my symptoms and apologised for having to make an emergency appointment, but my boyfriend and parents had been bugging me for days about it so I thought I should get checked out.

His first question took me by surprise "When was your last period?"

"Err, I've been on the pill for years though." I said looking at him as if he was crazy.

"It happens you know, there is a 2% chance of getting pregnant whilst you're on the pill. It can be even higher if you've had a tummy bug or something similar. How regular is your cycle usually?" He said placing his desk calendar in front of me to look at.

"Umm, it's pretty erratic actually." I looked down at the dates but they just seemed to swim in front of me, my head was all over the place as the fear took hold of me. I couldn't be pregnant, that would be my worst nightmare!

"Think back, was it in June?" I'd been out on tour for the whole of June and I'd definitely not had one at all whilst I'd been in Europe. Shit!

"No."

"Ok can you remember what you did in the last week of May?" He asked me putting a comforting hand over mine as it began to shake on his desk.

"Yeah, I flew to Germany that week, nothing then. I think it was the Friday after I got back from Seattle." I said aloud as I pieced together the puzzle in my mind, tracing my finger over the calendar "So it would've been the 19^th May. Oh my God!" I exclaimed, the penny dropping I put my head in my hands, not wanting it to be true. "I was sick on the plane to Germany. Shit!"

"It's ok." Dr Malone soothed. "Lets do a test, we'll know in a few minutes."

Five minutes later I sat crying as he told me it was positive and I was probably about 6 weeks pregnant. What the fuck was I going to do now? How was I going to tell Jerry, my parents, Lars? I couldn't have a baby, I wasn't ready. Dr Malone was talking me through my options, but I wasn't listening to a word he said, I took the leaflets he gave me in stunned silence and left his room in a complete daze.

'Fuck!' Was my only coherent thought as I walked into the waiting room. I folded the leaflets and shoved them quickly into my bag. Jerry was out of his seat in a heartbeat to shepherd me outside, I was clearly not in any state to think for myself.

He sat me down on the wall outside and crouched down in front of me his eyes full of concern. I couldn't look at him, I felt like I was just about to destroy everything we had.

"Baby, tell me what happened." He said softly. I shook my head slowly as I looked down at my hands, they were still shaking. "Is it serious? Did he tell you what could be wrong?" I nodded. "You know it's ok, whatever it is you can tell me. I'll do anything I can to help, you know that right?" I wanted to laugh manically then, he had no idea! I knew I had to tell him, but I just couldn't find my voice. Finally I met his gaze and began to cry again.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed.

"What baby, what is it?" He took my hands and gave them a squeeze.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, took another one and opened them again. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh thank God!" Jerry said standing up and pulling me with him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I was seriously confused.

"What?" I asked pushing him away.

"I thought you were gonna to tell me you had 6 months to live or something awful. You've got to admit it's better than that?"

"Well, yeah. When you put it like that. But Jerry this is a big fucking nightmare! Aren't you freaked out?" He looked at me then and I saw complete honesty on his face.

"No, I've been preparing myself for it since this morning. So I guess I'm a few hours a head of you." I didn't understand. "The coffee," He explained, "some women have strong reactions to certain smells & foods in the first trimester. Coffee is a common one."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't wanna jump to any conclusions, it might've just been a virus like you thought." He tried to hug me again, but I wasn't really in the mood to be tactile. I needed to sort my head out and pushed him back again.

"So you're ok with this?" I tried to put that one thing in perspective first.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm not getting any younger and I love you, so what's the problem?"

"Erm, Jerry this is my body. This is my life that is being turned upside down. What changes for you huh? Fuck all, that's what! You can carry on with your rock star lifestyle, but I have a job and a house that I love and if I have a baby, what is gonna happen to them?"

Clearly Jerry hadn't thought about my position in all this when he'd decided he was cool with it. I was seeing red and needed to put some space between us. "I've gotta get out of here." I said flinging my arms in the air in exasperation. I turned around and began storming down the road.

"Where are you goin' Elle? There's nowhere to run to. We need to talk about this. It's not just about you." Jerry called after me.

He had a nerve. I spun back round to face him "Of course, how could I forget?" I began icily "The great Jerry Cantrell and his amazingly large ego is involved, so it all has to be about you doesn't it? Well not this time mate. You're not screwing up my life on a whim." I was off again, but he caught up to me and grabbed my arm forcing me to stop and pushed me against a wooden fence.

"Look. I understand you're in shock at the moment and your hormones are all over the place, so I'm not gonna hold that against you. But Elle I'm fucking crazy about you and if you're carrying my kid I want us to make any decisions together..."

"Did you just say 'if' Jerry?" I could feel my pulse quicken as my temper flared way beyond it's usual danger level.

"What? No I didn't mean it like that. I know it's my baby. Elle why are you tryin'a pick a fight with me?"

I opened my mouth to hurl another tirade of abuse at Jerry but I was halted by the fence rattling as the garden gate opened up just to my right.

"Is everything ok?" An elderly gentlemen asked us eyeing Jerry suspiciously.

"Yes sir, I'm sorry if we disturbed you." Jerry said politely. The old man clearly didn't trust Jerry's word and looked to where he was still pinning me against the fence.

"Miss are you alright? Would you like to me call someone?" Immediately Jerry let me go and began explaining that he was worried about me as I was very upset and he was trying to calm me down. I saw my opportunity to get away then as Jerry turned to give the old man his full attention and took a few tentative steps away then quickly walked around the corner onto the main road and away from Jerry's clutches.

I crossed the road and when I was over the brow of the hill, I turned down another side street. I'd grown up around here so I knew where I was going, Jerry wouldn't know where to look. I snuck down the alley that lead to the train station and stopped wondering what I should do next, the tears came almost immediately. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I just wanted to run and run until it had all gone away, but that wasn't going to happen. Instead I walked over the railway bridge, bought a packet of cigarettes and went into the pub that had been my local for over ten years before I moved to California.

••

My first port of call was the ladies loo where I tried to compose myself and tidy up my face then I walked into the bar.

"Elle? What are you doin' in 'ere?" It was Carol the landlady. "You back to visit yer Mum n Dad love? Oh it's lovely to see ya, you look great!" Lying cow.

"Hi Carol. Yeah just back for a couple of days. How are you?" We chatted for a few minutes, then it seemed to dawn on her that she was supposed to be running a pub.

"What can I get yer, the usual love?"

"Yeah. No! Sorry Carol, I've got to drive later, I'll just have a diet coke." 'Great another thing that would have to change if I kept this baby.' I thought with contempt.

I picked up an abandoned Evening Standard once I had my drink and sat at a table in the corner. Flicking through it mindlessly I lit a cigarette and pretended to read. I was still filled with panic, I had no idea what I needed to do to make sense of this. I was totally engrossed in my thoughts when I became aware of a presence in front of me. Looking up I saw Jerry stood over me his hands on his hips as he caught his breath. Clearly he knew me better than I realised or had I just told him the amount of time I'd spent in here over the years?

"What the fuck do you think you're doin'?" He challenged.

"Fuck off Jerry. Is it not obvious that I need to be on my own right now?" I kept my voice low knowing full well that everyone in this place loved a juicy bit of gossip and I didn't really want to be the subject of the next game of Chinese whispers.

"I mean smoking Elle." I looked at my cigarette; another pastime bites the dust.

"It's one cigarette Jerry, I think I need it right now, I'm pretty fucking stressed out." He moved to take it out of my hand. "Don't you dare." I warned him, but he took it from me anyway and stubbed it out in the ashtray. I could see how this was going to go and it was immature, but Jerry picked the box up before me, put it in his pocket and sat down opposite me. "Jerry please leave me alone, you're not helping by being here." I was getting agitated and could feel myself losing my cool.

"Elle, I just had to stop that guy from calling the cops, he thought I was a fuckin' rapist. I had to tell him everything or I woulda been arrested."

"Well maybe that will teach you that you can't manhandle women Jerry." I spat.

"When are you gonna stop behaving like spoilt little brat and grow up Elle?" Jerry threw back at me with just as much venom. "You can't run away this time. This ain't just gonna disappear y'know."

"Who the fuck are you to tell me how to behave? You're hardly Mr Maturity yourself and you've got nearly 10 years on me." I picked up my drink, but he had that out my hand too before I could get it anywhere my mouth. I lost my temper completely then. "For fucksake Jerry it's diet fucking coke!" I shouted at him. "Taste it if you don't believe me."

The pub was pretty empty, but those who were there all stopped their conversations and looked us. Jerry put the glass back down in front of me and very quietly but very forcefully said

"We're not doing this here. Let's go." It wasn't a request, it was clearly a command and I was not having it.

"No." I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance. Ok I realised that I was being childish now, but I took orders from no one, except maybe Lars.

Jerry stood then and grabbed my wrist to pull me out of my chair.

"Take. Your. Fucking. Hands OFF ME!"

"Ellie? Is that my little Ellie?" A voice I instantly recognised called from the bar.

Oh shit! Mickey.

Mickey had been drinking in The Red Barn far longer than I had and knew everybody. We'd gotten friendly when we used to work for the same company and he'd always given any bloke I was seeing serious grief. I knew he would not approve of this scene.

Jerry let go of me and told me once again that we were leaving. I didn't move as Mickey made his way over, pint in hand. "'Ow's my girl?"

I grinned up at Mickey. "'Ello darlin', 'ow are ya?" Mickey put his pint down reaching between Jerry and me to do it, but completely ignoring him.

"You not even gonna get up and give ol' Mick a hug you rude cow?" I laughed, I'd forgotten how straight talking everyone was in here.

"'Course I am, come 'ere you!" I said getting up and allowing myself to be enfolded in a massive bear hug as Mickey lifted me off my feet. I saw Jerry's face over his shoulder and he was far from impressed. I stayed standing and took a sip of coke as Mickey did the same with his pint.

"So who's the Yank Elle?" Mickey asked finally acknowledging Jerry,

"This is Jerry Mickey. He's my boyfriend." Mickey nodded towards Jerry, but he didn't offer him his hand.

"Right. And what the fuck is 'e playin' at puttin' 'is 'ands on you like that eh?"

"Listen man, it's not what you think..." Jerry began.

"I wasn't talkin' to you. Mate." Mickey said cutting him off. Jerry was seriously pissed off now and I didn't want this to end up in a fight so I agreed with him.

"It's not Mick," I reassured him, resting my hand on his bicep to let him know it was all ok, "if anything I'm being a bitch. Some things don't change y'know!" I laughed trying to break the tension and Mickey turned back to me regarding me closely for any sign that I might be lying. "Honest Mick, would I lie to you?"

"Ok Elle, I'll leave you to it. But I'll only be over there with Big Jim and Big 'ands Ron if you need me." I looked over and waved hello to the other two. Yeah we'd have to leave now, unless we wanted our every move scrutinised, with the three of them just waiting to pounce.

"Thanks Mickey, but we've gotta go now anyway. You take care of yourself alright? I'll give you a call next time I come home ok?" I kissed him on the cheek and walked out the nearest door.

Once we were out of sight of the bar. I stopped and turned to Jerry. "I can't be around you right now Jerry. I need to get my head together and I won't be able to do that with you breathing down my neck. I'll stay at my Mum's tonight and call you tomorrow. Ok?"

The look on Jerry's face said it all; no it wasn't ok. I could see him struggling to keep his temper as he clenched his jaw and rammed his fists in his pockets. "I'm sorry that I'm not over the moon Jerry, but that's just the way it is. I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk then." I stretched up and kissed him on the lips, then walked away.

I didn't tell my parents what was going on I just said that we'd had a row and I needed to cool off. Mum clearly couldn't bear the intrigue, but she knew better than to push me, she'd had 20 years living with my fiery redhead's temper and she knew full well I'd say something we'd all regret.

I sat for hours on the floor in my room, listening to my old vinyl, and reading through my journals. The latter made me laugh; I'd thought my life was so tough when I was 17. Fourteen years later I could finally see that most of it had been a breeze up to this point.

My decision was made laying in my childhood bed at 2.30am. I knew that I had to tell Jerry as soon as possible, I'd get up early and get the train straight to him.

••

Not surprisingly I slept fitfully and I was up and on the train with the early morning commuters at 06.30. It felt I'd been transported back 2 years as a sweaty guy smelling of stale alcohol sat next me on the train, I nearly vomited on him and had to move seats. No wonder I'd left the rat race, it was so bloody soul destroying.

I let myself into the room and waited as my eyes adjusted to the half light. I made out Jerry's sleeping figure on the bed, his beautiful blonde hair spread across the pillow. Silently I undressed, butterflies fluttering in my stomach, and got in beside him curving my body to fit snugly next to his. Gently I laid an arm across him, not wanting to wake him, but needing so much to hear him breathe and feel his heart beating. He stirred though and when he realised he was not longer alone, I saw him smile his eyes half open.

"You came back," he said sleepily turning over and wrapping his arms around me "I knew you would."

"Ssshh," I put my fingers to his lips. His eyes had closed again, but I kissed him anyway and he responded in kind. I felt him stirring between my thighs as our kiss became more passionate. He placed a hand in the small of my back pushing me against his morning glory. As it slid up between my legs and then between the folds of my pussy he moaned into my mouth and rolled on top of me. I didn't want this to be quick, I wanted to make it last, so when I felt him pressing at my entrance, I pushed back and rolled him over quickly straddling him and taking control.

He smiled up at me lazily and ran his hands up my thighs to my hips trying to manoeuvre me so that I would take him inside. Snatching them away I held his wrists and leaned over him holding his arms above his head, he seemed too sleepy to resist. I kissed his eyelashes softly, his nose, then his mouth hard. Keeping one hand up on his wrists I used the other to tilt his head to one side and kissed along his jawline, tilting it back the other way to kiss along the other side. I ran my tongue in one long powerful stroke right up to his ear and around it's lobe. He bucked his hips up to meet me I allowed him to rub his dick between my pussy lips again as he moaned. I nibbled at his lobe and turned his head yet again and held my mouth against his ear letting my hot breath do to him as he had to me so many times before whispering "Lay back and enjoy the ride my love." He simply sighed in response.

I licked his neck again and again with the same assured strokes, each time he rose up to meet me sliding along my now soaking pussy. Trusting him not to move his hands I ran my fingertips down his arms and followed them with butterfly kisses as he wriggled beneath me. It felt strange, but very satisfying to be the one in control of him for a change and as I watched him curl his fingers under the headboard I knew he was definitely along for the ride.

Slowly and seemingly with no agenda, I kissed, licked, sucked and rubbed my way down his body, finding sensitive places that I hadn't known of before and revelling in his reactions to them. I was driving him wild, and I could hear him swearing under his breath between gasps and moans but that just made me slow it down all the more. I completely bypassed his dick, only running my fingers softly along his groin and between his thighs. He called out then as his cock twitched and swelled just a little bit more.