Worth The Risk

***********************

I loved my friend Jamie, but he was an extreme blockhead. I didn't know how strong fear as a motivation could be until I met him. I understood on some level, his timidity in telling the truth, but in my opinion the rewards far outweighed the risks.

The downside was that he might lose the love of his family. That was a biggie. He might also reveal to Johnathan that he was in love with him. Yeah, I know I said the 'L' word but we were fooling ourselves trying to deny what each of us felt for Johnny and Johnathan.

Maybe i'm overly optimistic but the up side could be that Johnathan finds out that Jamie is gay and they get it on, having hot monkey sex. Okay, maybe not, but at least they could have a shot at a relationship. Plus, Johnny would know the truth and I doubt that he would disown him. His parents were harder to judge. The familial strife is almost something that just goes along with coming out.

Jamie chose to think about this in the most negative way possible. He couldn't see that keeping his true self a secret was getting him nowhere. If anything, it was just making him more frustrated. Plus where did that leave me?

At first I was fine with not doing anything about my attraction to Johnny. In part, because Jamie was dead set against me trying to pursue his 'straight' brother, and also because I knew that Johnny was special. I couldn't see myself potentially busting up a lot of relationships over just an attraction. The longer I did nothing about it, the more I found myself thinking about and wanting him.

Now it wasn't a matter of merely wanting him, I was beginning to need him; in my life, in my arms. And it wasn't going away. The only thing, as far as I could see, that could dampen my enthusiasm was his rejection. It was one thing to get rejected because he wasn't gay, which I could probably handle, but if I just wasn't his type then that was another thing entirely. I'd never even find out if it were up to Jamie. I didn't want to hurt him just to slake my interest, but this was different.

I felt torn between my loyalty to my best friend and my need to at least try with Johnny. I had a feeling that this could be it for me and passing that up was just no longer an option. I'd started to get an idea of how this could possibly work out without me doing too much damage to all of our relationships with each other. I just hoped that Jamie would at least hear me out. Even if he didn't, then i'd get him the next time and then the next time. Like I said, doing nothing just wasn't an option for me anymore.

On the way back to our apartment, I put my plan in motion.

"Jamie, I have a proposition, and I want you to just hear me out before you say anything."

He looked weary, and he had good reason to be because I was about to lay into something that might change the dynamic of our friendship forever.

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" I shook my head in the negative and he sighed telling me to go ahead.

"I want to ask Johnny out." At his bugging eyes, I was glad that I was driving. I quickly went on before he said anything else.

"I'm willing to lie to him and say that you aren't gay, that you just are ok with me being gay. I'll be flying solo on this. I won't put you into this at all. If he doesn't want me then I'll back off both you and him. I won't come around you when you guys are together, and i'll stay away from family functions."

"You're willing to basically give up our friendship, just for a shot at my brother?" He asked incredulously. Until now, I don't think he knew the severity of the situation for me. At my nod I went on.

"If he is ok with it, then you'll know where you stand in terms of what he'll think about you being gay."

"This is going to blow up in our faces. No matter how you try to keep me out of it, he's going to wonder why we're such good friends; he's going to think we've been together... that i'm in the closet."

I tried not to frown at the irony of his statement. Tried, but failed. "Jamie, you are in the closet. Look, i'm going to keep coming to you until you come up with something that will suit us both, but I need you to know that I can't give up. I need to be with him or at least try."

His face went blank as we pulled up to our apartment. "I know i'm in the closet as far as my family and some friends go, but I don't need him to think that I am. And why is this all of a sudden so important to you? You seemed fine to not push it a little while ago."

"Because I love him dammit!--" I blew up at him. "--And i'm not afraid to go after my happiness full force. Jamie, no one is more qualified to make you happy than yourself. You're wasting your life by not being true to yourself. I don't want to waste mine. I've already spent too long not taking the reins because i'm your friend. It's past that time now. I'm sorry; I just can't share your solitude any longer."

I walked into the house and was almost to my room when I heard, "I'm sorry i've been so selfish. I didn't know that this would be so hard on you. I thought you just had a crush on him and that it would pass. Now I see that I was wrong. Just keep me out of it."

I nodded. It was a start. I was hoping to bring him to a point where he wouldn't be so bottled up but this was like threading lint; damn near impossible.

********************************

A couple of days after the movie, me and J were basically back to normal. School was a breeze, and life was ok. He'd seemed to have gotten over his disappointment and was back to his crazy self. That didn't mean that I was any less worried about him. I knew that even though he had this crazy outer shell, he was even more fragile on the inside.

While I was able to shrug things off, he brooded over them for days, sometimes weeks. If you didn't know him, then you'd never recognize that he does it, but being his friend gave me that advantage that I needed to really see him.

I knew that he was still thinking about what happened at the movies and I knew that he was sad over it. There was nothing that I could really do to cheer him up either, but it didn't stop me from trying to figure something out.

I was starring at a textbook that I was supposed to be reading when my cell phone rang. I automatically thought that it was J and answered accordingly. I shot up out of my slouching position on my bed when I heard the voice on the other end.

He chuckled heartily and I was trying to breathe normally. "Um no, this is Rick, how are you?"

How was I, how was I, how was I? For the life of me I couldn't formulate a sentence. "Aaaahhh what?"

"I said how are you?" He spoke a little louder this time. What was he doing calling me? He'd never called me before.

"I-I-I'm surprised, what's up?" Yeah, that was about two steps up from gibberish, I was getting the hang of it.

"I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out or something. You know, grab a couple beers, and watch a game or something. We never hang out unless it's in a crowd, so I figured you'd like some down time."

My jaw had been on a steady downward drop. Even after I couldn't open my mouth any further, I felt the dropping in my stomach. The butterflies were almost making me nauseous.

"Why?!" I gasped out.

"Well, after the movie, I saw that we weren't as comfortable around each other as we could be. I don't want you to think I only hang around because of your brother. We should be good friends too."

I was still having a hard time concentrating, but I felt like there was something that I was missing. Nevertheless, I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to be around the guy I fantasized about almost every night.

"Uh sure, that would be ok. When?"

"How about I pick you up in about an hour?"

"Sure, see you then." I hung up and held the phone to me for a brief moment before I made a mad dash to the shower. I only had an hour.

What the hell do you wear to an informal outing with a guy you drool over on a daily basis, that doesn't seem too risqué, but yet isn't so far out of your normal zone that they know something is up? I couldn't just put on jeans and a t-shirt, then he'd think I just rolled out of bed, or worse, that i'd been in bed with someone.

If I groomed my hair too much then he'd think I styled it thinking of his impression. Shit! I just opted for some jeans, a little on the tight side, but that's how I liked them, and a turtleneck with some loafers. I put on some non-prescription glasses that made me look like I just stepped out of a lens crafter's ad. I liked the look though. I just hoped that it wasn't too much.

He pulled up, honking the horn. I had to remember not to run out to the car. I didn't want to seem too eager. I attempted to saunter out to the car, but I managed to just barely not trip from my haste. He was wearing that same leather jacket that he'd been wearing at the movies and some light blue jeans with an Abercrombie t-shirt on.

How he managed to look put together, sexy, and classy at the same time from just wearing those things I don't know, but it was working for me.

I got in and was immediately surrounded by his scent. He wore some spicy cologne, not too much, but it made me want to burry my nose in his neck nonetheless. I starred out the window but couldn't help looking at him out the corner of my eye.

We pulled up to one of the many gay-friendly bars in the city and I wondered if it was a coincidence. He could not have even known. "This is a gay bar." I blurted out before we got out of the car. I could have smacked myself.

His brows drew together. "No it isn't. At least as far as I know, it isn't. How do you know that?" Aw shit, this was going to the end of it for me. He was never going to talk to me again.

"I don't know, I think the last time that me and J came here, somebody hit on us and that's where I got it from. "

He hesitated a little before speaking which I thought was a little odd. "Did it bother you? That someone hit on you? We could go somewhere else if you want to."

I quickly said no. "It was whatever I guess. I'm not one to knock anyone for their type." There, that seemed safe enough. I didn't exactly bash, because that would be stupid, even if he didn't know that I was gay, but I didn't spill the beans about myself either.

We walked in and grabbed a bar table and ordered two beers. "So, what do you do in your spare time, Rick?" I said, and tried not to cringe at how corny I sounded.

"Really?... I write. You know: stories, plays, poems. I'm probably not any good, but it's my stress reliever. What about you?"

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing." I felt my skin heat from my blush.

"Uh oh, spill. I wanna know now." He laughed easily and I wondered if i'd ever be able to just let my guard down, all the way down. Oh well, I shook myself mentally and told him.

"I watch chick flicks. The weepier, the better. They express all of the emotions that I don't let out myself so it just works for me. Plus, they make me laugh better than some comedies."

I studied him under my lashes and saw that his face was really serious and the look in his eyes was one that I hadn't seen before. I frowned thinking that he was thinking something negative. He took a long pull on his beer finishing it up and looked at me.

"I think that's commendable, most guys wouldn't admit something like that. I'll admit, chick flicks aren't really that bad."

"Oh really? Would you watch one with me?" I was ribbing him a little, finally starting to loosen up.

"Of course I would. I'd watch anything you wanted to." He sounded so firm that I was taken aback a little. I blinked and reminded myself to not read into things. Doing that would get me into a whole lot of trouble.

"I'd read your writing, and I promise not to tell you- you stink, even if you do." He looked startled, even a little afraid. That confused me, but I just let it go.

"I don't think you'd want to read what I write. It's really personal. Sort of like a journal. You'd find out things that might scar your retinas if you read it." He offered up a smile and I couldn't help but wonder what he wrote about. I let my mind wander, thinking of the slim chance that I would be somewhere in those pages. I didn't even realize that he was waving his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention. Such a nice hand too. Large and masculine, with long fingers, perfect for reaching that spot...

Oh shit, I was getting hard and blushing profusely.

He was laughing. "I'd like to know what brought on that blush. Man you're beet red." It only made me turn more red. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. The night was going too well and I didn't want to muck it up.

***********************

Man, the night was going great. I wasn't pushing hard at all, well at least I was trying my damdest not to and Johnny was opening up a little to me. I was trying to keep my chest from swelling too much with emotion but it was hard to do with him sitting so close to me.

I kept reminding myself to take things slowly and not scare him off. I shouldn't have told him that I write. The pages of my spiral notebooks were filled with odes and poems to him, about him, or with a character modeled after him. Recently i'd been writing about little else.

The chick flick thing threw me for a loop. If he was straight then shouldn't he have said that it was a turn on to women or something? Instead, he'd just given me the answer without much elaboration. Damn, I didn't know where to go next. I felt like I was right on the cusp of my answer but I didn't want to push my hand and then spoil everything.

I ordered another beer and we kept talking about mundane things. I was just enjoying his company and before either of us knew it we were both sauced. Damn, I hope that I wasn't going to spill my guts to him this way. I wanted to be romantic when I told him that I loved him. Shit, I needed to get away from him before I did or said something stupid.

I figured I wasn't too drunk because I could still think enough to know that I needed to keep my mouth shut. He suggested that we take a cab back to his house and in the morning he could drive me back to my car. I readily agreed, but I knew that he lived with his parents and I really didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of them either. Then I remembered that he lived in the apartment above the garage. I dreaded that almost as much because that would mean that I was drunk and we would be alone. I groaned in anguish and slumped over as I passed out.

*****************************

Oh my God! He passed out right into my lap! I wasn't as drunk as he was so I was still fairly alert. His head was cradled at my crotch and it was a good thing that he was out cold because I was fighting a losing battle with my erection. I didn't even try to fight my urge to run my fingers through his hair.

I almost moaned at the silkiness of it. Oddly he seemed to smile as I nestled my hand into his hair. He must have been dreaming of someone. The thought gave me an odd feeling in the center of my chest. One that I didn't like one bit.

We got to my house and I hefted his large body out of the cab, paid the driver and made my way to my door without him helping me much. I all but threw him on the couch and went to get him some blankets. When I came back he was still sprawled out the way I threw him and I rolled my eyes as I realized that I couldn't let him sleep in his clothes.

His shoes were fairly easy. I decided to leave his socks on. He still hadn't budged. His jacket was hard because his shoulders were huge and didn't want to cooperate and come out of the damned jacket! I was huffing and trembling by the time I got to his pants. I unbuckled them as fast as I could, closed my eyes and jerked them down as fast as I could. I quickly threw a blanket over him and straightened him out on the couch. I wanted to look so bad, but that might have been disastrous. I leaned over to tuck the blanket up near his shoulders when I heard him mumble. Actually is sounded like he was singing.

I turned my head so that I could hear him more clearly. "Love my baby, love me baby... come love, come love." What the hell kind of song is that I thought as I listened. I felt him peck my cheek as I listened and I immediately straightened up. I knew he was locked in a drunken dream and I needed to get away from him.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Why did my first and probably only kiss from him have to be when he was passed out drunk? I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Thankfully I didn't dream.

I woke up because I felt someone starring at me. I rolled over with my pillow blocking my face from the sun and plopped my eyes open. Rick was starring at me with worry in his eyes. I yawned loudly and went to get up but remembered that I only had my boxers on. That wouldn't do well if I started sporting wood.

"Jesus, you sleep a long time. I'm the one with the hangover and you're still sleep. Did I... um say anything embarrassing last night?" I was puzzled at his extremely worried face and I decided to play with him a little.

"Well you did do something weird." He visibly tensed up and his throat started working furiously. "You started singing the weirdest song that i've ever heard." Then I relayed to him what he'd sang. He sagged with relief and I was still trying to muddle through that in my sleep fogged brain.

"You jerk, stop playing. It's not really a song though. I don't think i've ever said it out loud. It's just something that I picked up and say in my head. It has a special meaning to me."

He made his way to the kitchen to grab some juice so he could take some aspirin. It was odd that he seemed completely at ease in my house although he'd only been here a few times. I rushed to use the bathroom, throw on some shorts, and brush my teeth.

When I joined him in the kitchen he was just about to take a drink but he paused with his hand in mid air as I came in. "What did you think you were gonna say last night?" I noticed that he was starring at my chest. It couldn't be. Was that lust that I saw flash in his eyes. I'm just dreaming I thought. I waited for him to answer my question.

He sat the glass down on the counter, hung his head, and just seemed to compose himself. Maybe he was feeling dizzy from his headache.

"You know how it is. Drinking makes you lose your inhibitions; say things you wouldn't say otherwise. You might have found out things about me that you're better off not knowing and that you probably didn't want to know in the first place."

Before I could think to buffer it I said, "I doubt that." He looked at me and I knew he didn't believe me. He frowned into the glass and then drained the rest of the contents.

"When can we go get my car?" His abrupt halt to the conversation caused me to blink. What the hell was wrong with him?

"We can go now if you want." He looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it and just nodded. I went to throw on a shirt and some shoes.

*******************************

Ok, so putting my money where my mouth is was proving harder than I thought. Every time I thought that I could go ahead and make a move on Johnny, I freaked out and then chickened out. This wasn't like pursuing a guy that I knew was gay. With that kind of guy, i'd be all over them and it would only be a matter of time before we hooked up. I was out of my league here and didn't have a clue of what to do.

At least i'd made it through the night without lying to him. His brother hadn't come up once and I was glad. The thing about me singing was a little shocking though. I mean, it's true that it's something that just runs through my head, but those are like the things that i've always wanted to say to him. I always say it in my head and try to think of his reaction. He didn't seem to have a clue that it was about him so I was safe.