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Click hereI just shake my head no, and look at her Dad. "We can't." I mouth.
"I know. Sorry." She says to me.
I reach down and rub her cheek. "I love you."
She bends her head forward and kisses my hardon through my shorts, and gives me a big smile. She yawns and stretches and pretends to wake up. She shifts and sits up. She hugs herself to my arm. Her head is on my shoulder and she whispers. "I love you, and can't wait for tomorrow."
- COMMENTS
SeattleHubbyalmost 2 years agoI absolutely loved this story! I'm a big fantasy fan, second behind erotica (winks), and the magic, combined with the sweetness, tenderness, intimacy and great sex came together just right. so good.
Anonymousalmost 2 years agoNice story. It’s almost believable. Needs some grammar and spelling editing though
Anonymousover 2 years agoLots of potential here, some of the writing is very good. Way too much focus on Ray and the business contract though. Focus more on the characters that matter.
And what's With the Random capitalization Of Words in This Story?
Anonymousover 2 years agoWow. So the Mc is so gay. Here you get a magic ring that lets you fuck every girl you want and it makes them want it, and what does Mc do? Complain and unbelieve. I got so annoyed over all the "no way"s and "seriously"s I started imagining the Mc with a surfer voice. Bro is handed the Keys to the castle and he complains and bitches. Suuuuper gay. I couldn't even finish the first page. Mc is annoying af.
Anonymousover 2 years agoIn part two you asked for feedback about story length. My two cents is it depends. It is really about how frequently you sprinkle in erotica, that is after all the point of this site. If I want to read pages of non-erotic plot and character development I have that on my kindle. My chief complaint about part one is that the eroticism tapers off by page five. I hung in on the entire family lake trip hoping for a payoff.
The writing is good, and the erotic stuff is hot. I would break up your submissions so that they end on a hot note.
