Betrayed by Her Stockings - Rewrite

Never accept being gaslighted. I let him burn me far too often, damage my self-esteem. Gaslighting by your other half is not the sign of being loved. I excused him saying it was the pressure of his job but was it? Was this him pushing me out of our marriage? Does that explain why he won't speak?

My life now is work and home to an empty flat. I miss everything we had apart from the gaslighting. I yearn for my Mark to return. I know that will never happen. How I wish he never went into that bloody unit!

Ray and even his wife Sheila have kept in touch to try and help me through this. This incident broke the dam between them, for the first time Ray was assertive. Sheila was shocked. They are in therapy. Sheila realises now that Ray's needs matter. They don't know if they can get through this. She has looked at the tapes and knows we did not have penetrative sex. (Okay one stupid fucking face dildo which I wish never happened). I haven't asked if she is helping him with his needs. Obviously, I can't and won't.

Ray was pleased that Sheila did, after the therapist told her to do so, looked at what Ray was saying about the workplace and her family's attitude to him and his reaction to her supporting them against him as that was as major an issue between them as our sexual relief sessions. If she didn't their marriage was doomed. Sheila did look at the sales, saw she had been lied to by her family. She ripped her family to shreds about how they were treating Ray.

Ray's therapist is helping with his self-esteem issues.

It's baby steps for them. I hope they make it as Ray loves her and I think she loves him.

Both have offered to speak with Mark on my behalf but I told them no. I think while meant with the best of intentions, Mark would feel they were trying to manipulate him.

As for Mark and me by the time you read this we'll probably be divorced. I'll always love him. I won't look for someone else. If we see each other by accident at a party, a football match I know he will turn away. I have lost my soulmate.

The Mark I knew and loved will keep his word and read my explanation. I hope the new Mark does the same. I know he will never forgive me but I hope he now knows that I did not fuck around on him. If he wishes I will be happy to meet up with him. No subterfuge, I'll wear slacks, not stockings. No awesome breasts on display.

I don't expect that to happen. I need him to see my eyes and he needs to hurt me.

I'm not going to go lightly into the night. I'm a corporate lawyer but my firm have an expertise in Human Resource law. I am just as driven as Mark. In nine years that one Sexual Offences Unit has suffered 24 divorces (25 when ours goes through). 73% of the marriages there. More are on a knife edge.

I have spoken with all the divorced spouses, both male and female. All had good marriages before their spouses were posted into that unit. I have spoken with three couples who have not divorced. The only reason being, in each, are that they are catholic. They sleep in separate rooms. No one is happy.

Not one spouse believes they would be divorced or separated if they had never served in that unit. Police Scotland have a duty of care for their staff. I'll force them to have proper psychologists and psychiatrists to help the staff in that unit.

We need that unit obviously but the staff have to have a chance of a good life, loving homes and so do their spouses and children.

That is now my goal.

Finally Mark, I love you! Tomorrow will add yet another bloody sad day to my life! I miss you each moment I'm awake and in my dreams, I think of you. If this was paper the pages would be unreadable due to the tear stains.

I cannot apologise enough that I wasn't strong enough to deny my needs, that I needed support of another who treated me well, but mostly that I hurt you so badly.

I did not have an affair. I accept that I had an inappropriate relationship which I should never have become involved with in the first place.

Mark, please speak with me. No commitment, just let me tell you all this to your face so you know it's true. I love you!