It’s History Ch. 04-06

"I don't understand."

"I hate it." my voice shook. "I hate how happy it makes me, how right it feels. I hate how how good it is to be your friend, how good it is to be loved. But our history together... I'm an insult to it. The Lucas you know... I'm not him. And I've tried to fix it, I have, but everything I've done keeps making things worse. You all could have been happy if it wasn't for me. You deserve that happiness. You deserve someone stronger."

"Lucas..."

In my back pocket my phone rang. I ignored it. This was too important. Everyone that meant anything to me was in this room.

"I need to start taking responsibility." Tears streamed down my cheeks. "I need to stop trying to fix it and to live with the hole I've dug for myself."

"What are you saying?" Liam was shaking now too.

Lexi's phone went off. She pulled it out and blinked at it through misty eyes.

"What I'm saying is that maybe the best way to fix things is to just leave well enough alone. I'm going to take my broken sister and we're going to go somewhere where we can -"

"Lucas!" Lexi thrust the phone in my face.

My eyes went wide as I read out that little message.

"What is it?"

"It's dad." I croaked, "Mom's in the hospital."

To be continued.

= Chapter 6 =

We were sitting in the hospital waiting room. It was all happening again.

How? I'd saved her, hadn't I? I'd made it so that she never died. Well now she was dying all over and I was too terrified to try to stop it.

"She's been off-again on-again for so long" Lexi choked. "Two years. This is my fault. I should have been around more."

I held her tight. She was wearing Leah's workout gear - the cheerleaders had come from practice and it was the only clothing we could find to fit her. With those tits she made it look like a fetish costume, but it was better than trying to get to the hospital naked.

Leah had come with us. She'd insisted. She was rubbing her hand along my back. She had been a rock of support, but there were no magic words she could say that would fix this.

I gripped nervously at the hem of Liam's button up. He'd literally given me the shirt off his back. It smelt like him, but that was a small comfort right now.

Dad came out. He looked just as helpless and lost as he had the first time. We ran over and hugged him. He was trying to be strong for us, but he, too, was shaking.

"She just collapsed." He shook his head. "They say she- she doesn't have much time left. She wants to talk to you two."

Ghostly visions of the first time echoed in my head, just as fresh now as they were then. How she had waisted down to nothing. How she had lost everything that made her her. How, in the end, she couldn't even recognize me.

This time it was somehow worse. With the added beauty the book had given her, she looked young and healthy. It didn't make any sense. It wasn't right. How could someone that looked like that be dying? She opened one eye, slowly, deliberately, as though that one small thing took so much of her energy. She looked so tired. I wavered. She had seemed fine this morning.

"Mom..."

"My babies." she gave a weak grin.

"Mom, I can fix this! I can save you." I tried to sound confident, reassuring. For her sake, for Lexi's sake, for my own. It came out as a sob.

She reached out a trembling hand and stroked my cheek. "That's sweet of you to say, Lucas. You always were trying to do the right thing. But some things you can't fix or make right." she paused to take a weak breath. "Some things you have to let go."

"No!" my vision was blurring over with tears "I won't!"

"Lucas, I've been in pain for so long. In and out of the hospital two years. Do you remember when I was first here? They thought I was going to die then and there." she laughed. "When I got out I thought I was going to do so much, but since then, all I've done is linger in pain. But that's okay. I made my peace. I'm just glad I have the chance to say goodbye."

"I should never have left," cried Lexi, "I should have been there for you. I'm so sorry."

"No, Sweetheart, don't be. My girl off at university? I couldn't be more proud. I always knew you could do it if you set your heart to it." She twisted her head to get a better look at us. "Look at how big you two have gotten. My only regret is that I won't get to see either of you live out the rest of your lives. You're both the best children I could have asked for. You two are my mark on history."

"Mom..."

"You'll have to look out for each other now. No squabbling. I raised you better than that."

"Mom, no. I can fix this." I begged, "Please, just hold on."

"The best thing you could ever do for me is to go out in the world and live. I love you both so much." She paused and smiled, taking us in for what she knew would be the last time. She tried to be strong for us, tried to make sure the last image we had of her was one of stoic dignity in the face of death, but her expression broke and tears ran down her cheek.

We hugged and the light slipped from her eyes as we held her. Something started beeping. The doctors rushed in and shooed us out.

I sat there staring helplessly at the wall as Leah held my hand. Dad was pacing around the nurse's station, determined to remove himself from our presence as he broke down. Lexi's intense silence was broken only by the occasional sob. She had no tears left to cry, save the occasional hot blast of incoherent emotion.

"I've got it!" said Liam, stepping into the lobby, the bag I'd asked him to bring clutched in his arms. He was wearing one of my shirts. "Is everything okay?"

He saw the look in my eyes.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry." He dropped the thing and rushed over.

"This is all my fault." I shook my head. Between the pain of losing mom all over again and the anxiety of everything that had happened over the past few days, I was past my breaking point. "I'm sorry. I've dragged you all into this."

"Lucas, no, it's fine," said Leah, gripping my hand. "We're here for you. No matter what."

"No, I mean, this!" I gestured indistinctly around the room. "All of this. None of this should be happening. I tried so hard to put things right, and everything I've done has just made things worse. I don't know if I can -" I pinched at the bridge of my nose. "I don't know if I can fix this."

"Stop!" Lexi sniffed. "You can't keep blaming yourself for everything. This isn't something you can do anything about."

"No, listen. I've been giving it a lot of thought. I just want things to be the way they should be. The way they're supposed to be. I keep trying for that, but no matter what I do something goes wrong. I can fix this, I can give mom more time, but who knows what else would change. And what? Mom lives on in pain for another week? A month? Another year?" I squeezed my aching eyes shut. "The book can write the past, not the future."

"Lucas, what are you talking about?"

"All of this..." my eyes softened as I looked at the three of them. "I've stolen you away from your proper places. I've made your lives revolve around me, but I can't even be the Lucas that your devotion deserves. As much as I want to pretend to be, as much as I want to just be here and be happy, that's not fair to any of you. I'm sorry." My voice was dark. "You'll be better off without me."

"What are you saying?" Liam choked.

I picked up the bag Lucas had brought and pulled out the book. My knuckles clenched white around it. This thing, this damn cursed thing. I wished I'd never found it in the first place. God, how long ago it seemed now. I was such an idiot. So preoccupied by my own hang-ups, too nervous to even reach out to the girl I loved.

"I'm leaving. It's the only way. I don't know how or where, but I won't be around to fuck up your lives any more."

"Bullshit!" Liam slammed a fist against the wall. "Lucas, listen to yourself. You don't get to decide that! You don't get to decide that you're not worthy of us. You don't get to take the easy way out. I know you Lucas, you want to make things better, but all your doing by saying stuff like that is hurting the people who care about you. I..." he sobbed "you're my whole world. You always have been. You don't get to say that that's not fair to me. We're supposed to be together. You don't get to just leave!"

"I never wanted to hurt anybody." my voice was so tiny. Couldn't they see this was hard enough? "I'm just trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions!"

"You're trying to run away is more like it!"

"Lucas," Leah's beautiful eyes were watering over, "this isn't like you. I know things seem really bleak right now, but please, talk to us. We're here for you. We can work through it together, just like we always do. I don't know what sleights you think you're fixing, but you can tell us. Please, especially now, when you sound so close to doing something drastic. Whatever it is, we can work it out."

My throat hitched.

"Brobro, please." I could see the look in her eye. There was so much she wanted to say but she could barely speak through the pain of her grief. "Don't give up."

I wanted to throw the book down in disgust. I wanted to chuck into a river, or better, a fire. I hated this thing for all the pain it had brought, both to me and to the people I cared about. I had had such good intentions, once. Now it was just rubbing them in my face.

What was the lesson here? that I couldn't fight fate? That I had to face the consequences of my actions?

Learn from my mistakes. Isn't that what mom had said? Steer the future in the direction you wanted. Well, picking up this book was the biggest mistake I'd ever made, I'd learnt that much.

I closed my eyes. I knew what I had to do.

I tightened my grip. The world wanted to tell me I couldn't fix things? The world wanted to tell me I should just lie down and accept it? It wanted me to move forward in a world where all I could do was hurt and disappoint? Fuck that. My friends were right. I couldn't give up. I wasn't about to live in a timeline where I hadn't at least tried.

I still had the book. The past guides us to the future, but it's up to us to make the hard choices. I could still guide this to a better future. I could see that future now. I would face the consequences of my actions, but I would do so on my own terms, and if that meant going down swinging, then so be it.

I opened the book.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing this, once and for all. I'm giving you back your history. I'm giving you back your lives."

I turned to look at the hospital door.

"Mom. I'm sorry. I love you. I never got the chance to tell you the first time, but I'm going to carry you with me always. I'm glad I got to see you again. I'll make you proud this time. I promise."

- The History of Lucas Baker According to Lucas Baker --

"Lucas Baker never found this book and nothing besides this is written in it. Everything he's experienced since finding it is all just a vivid dream."

I closed the book for the final time. There was a flash and pain. I was falling. The last thing I heard was the long tone of mom's heartrate monitor flatlining, and then I came crashing to the ground.

-

"Oh my god!" a voice rose out of the surprised laughter. "Are you alright?"

I opened my eyes. An angel stared down at me. Leah's beautiful face, shining with concern from behind her dark-rimmed glasses.

My eyes darted around in panic. I was in the school library. I was covered in books. I rubbed at the lump on my head. What had just happened?

I had... I had been about to try to ask her out, hadn't I? And then... I shook my head.

"Lucas, right?" she held out a hand. I gawked at it. It looked so soft, so warm. "Are you okay?"

The room spun. I was hot, flushed and flustered. The ghostly memory of her topless and begging me to fuck in the spare classroom came unbidened to my mind. I shook it away.

I had been here before, hadn't I? The whole library was staring at me. A few had their phones out, filming. This was just before I'd found the book. The book. Oh shit, the book! I looked at the pile of books that had fallen on me. It was nowhere to be seen.

I held a hand up to my head. Had it even existed in the first place? Even now the memories seemed so indistinct, and yet... and yet I had learned so much. Oh my god. I was going to have to start treating Lexi better. And Liam.

"What happened?" I sat up.

"I don't know." she laughed. "You tripped and crashed into a bookshelf."

I stared at her. This was the real Leah; this was the woman I'd fallen in love with. None of the extra popularity, none of the slutty accents or the lesbian femininity. Just this girl I'd always admired from afar.

And she was talking to me.

Oh my god, she was talking to me and I had just made a total fool of myself.

I should have been panicking, I should have wanted to run and hide in a corner, but you know what? All the anxieties and apprehensions that I'd been feeling? They all seemed so small now. So what if I'd made a fool of myself? Wasn't talking to her worth it?

I took her hand. She pulled me up.

"Hey, I know this is sudden," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "but do you want to go to the party this weekend with me?"

"Oh," she blinked in surprise. "I wasn't really planning on going. I don't get along with the cheerleaders."

"Well I was thinking, you know, it's kinda shitty that you can't go to the biggest party of the year because of a few jealous girls." I frowned. "Sorry, I had this all built up in my head as this great big thing. That's fine. Do you want to maybe get a bite to eat some time or something?"

"Like a date? Sorry, I'm not really looking to date right now."

"It doesn't have to be a date." I laughed. "Just as friends. We can take it from there."

She gave me a curious look. "You're in my chem class, right?"

"And lit, and history, and math." I nodded. "I've seen you around a lot and I just... I think you're really great, Leah, and I want to get to know you better."

"Aw." she crinkled her nose, "that's really sweet actually. Sure, I'd love to hang out some time."

"Great!" My heart soared. "Your studying for the chem test right? Do you want to study together?"

"Yeah." she smiled. "I'd like that. "

And the rest, as they say, is history.

The End.

Author's Afterword: Thank you for reading and all your wonderful comments! I hope the second half lived up to your expectations!