All Comments on 'The Vampire King: Finding a Queen'

good start but you bonce around a bit, but grammar and all that was good.

Next time maybe a little longer :)

You were just a little bit jumpy, like the other person commented on. I do like the way the story is going so far and i am very interested in reading even more chapters to this. I do hope your going to continue.

I like your characters and assume there will be more to this story, but you need to fix some things up, and these are things I think that it's easy to miss as a writer when everything's in your head. First off, you switch from first to third person; either will work but it's consistency that's important. Secondly, the punctuation needs work, mostly in the dialogue. For example: "Hi there," he said. Comma before close quote and lower case he. But I like the start and hope to see more.

its a good story, but the part about leaving chicken cooking on the stove is not realistic. I have to agree with the other comments you are jumping around.I also feel you are rushing the story not quiet letting it develop. Keep trying your story has lots of potential

As the others have mentioned, it's a bit jumpy. Also, I don't really think 5'9" is petite. Unless, you were speaking of her figure, then you should say "slim" or something of the sort. Am interested in reading the next installment though, so hopefully you will continue.

It has definite potential!! Please continue and make it longer.

Thanks for all the comments!

COMING SOON - The Vampire King: The Morning After.

Does Atty remember?

The next one won't be as long but it's kind of essential in loyalty to the plot.

This could be good. You change point of view in mid-story -from first person to third - with no reason. Also, spell check is your friend. These things detract from your story.

could you try to keep it one point of veiw other than that 5 stars