Great chapter. Love the way you worked music into it. I didn't get as into their connection as I did the one between Dan and Zahra... but I'm pretty sure that's how you meant it to be. I hope Zahra finds her way back into this series, or at least a later story with Dan... I'm perfectly fine with not seeing Lizzie again, but she was a lot of fun while she lasted. Again... I think that's what you were trying to do here. Looking forward to more. (And fuck the ex.)
Glad it's acknowledge that the Coach is a sexual predator, and that (generally) the adults take the situation seriously. Always happy to see a story acknowledge the power differential and that the laws are there to protect the students (or minors) even if they want the sex.
I think this is a very good first effort, and I really like that while the story involves control and surrender, it does not involve humiliation. Speaking as a former English teacher, I don't think you begin too many sentences with "I" given that you are writing in the first person. While you do occasionally splice independent clauses together with commas (i.e. use "run on sentences"), you can easily fix that problem by using a semicolon or by simply starting a new sentence. I would also suggest that you include more detail about what the characters are feeling (e.g. her arousal by being in control; his vulnerability and arousal by surrendering control; their mutual and increasing arousal by what is arousing the other) to increase the emotional impact. I suggest using more dialog between the characters to achieve this impact, particularly as that's really the only way to reveal the feelings of the male character (e.g. by having him articulate his his vulnerability and how that vulnerability arouses him). Please continue!
Dark start but engaging. A bit if suspension of disbelief, but less than many stories. Just a crazy thing that can already see opens to a well laid setup.
English
Latest 15 Reader Comments
Interesting plot and ending... good story though 5 stars!!
Great chapter. Love the way you worked music into it. I didn't get as into their connection as I did the one between Dan and Zahra... but I'm pretty sure that's how you meant it to be. I hope Zahra finds her way back into this series, or at least a later story with Dan... I'm perfectly fine with not seeing Lizzie again, but she was a lot of fun while she lasted. Again... I think that's what you were trying to do here. Looking forward to more. (And fuck the ex.)
Certainly some wayward thinking to come up with this storyline and make it work out like you have. Excellent.
Much feels.
Glad it's acknowledge that the Coach is a sexual predator, and that (generally) the adults take the situation seriously. Always happy to see a story acknowledge the power differential and that the laws are there to protect the students (or minors) even if they want the sex.
Excellent
Nobody, nobody, is that fucking stupid
Fun story, definitely gonna continue.
Lots of quick changes, some suspension of disbelief required, but it's fun so who cares? :)
Sensuous and thrilling at the same time!
not sure where you will head from here but I am here for the ride. very good start
I think this is a very good first effort, and I really like that while the story involves control and surrender, it does not involve humiliation. Speaking as a former English teacher, I don't think you begin too many sentences with "I" given that you are writing in the first person. While you do occasionally splice independent clauses together with commas (i.e. use "run on sentences"), you can easily fix that problem by using a semicolon or by simply starting a new sentence. I would also suggest that you include more detail about what the characters are feeling (e.g. her arousal by being in control; his vulnerability and arousal by surrendering control; their mutual and increasing arousal by what is arousing the other) to increase the emotional impact. I suggest using more dialog between the characters to achieve this impact, particularly as that's really the only way to reveal the feelings of the male character (e.g. by having him articulate his his vulnerability and how that vulnerability arouses him). Please continue!
Dark start but engaging. A bit if suspension of disbelief, but less than many stories. Just a crazy thing that can already see opens to a well laid setup.
Great opening chapter.
The imagery is masterful, as is the descriptiveness. I thoroughly enjoyed this excerpt.
Thank you!
Is Alia available for another fuck session. I want to destroy her anus.
Wrong story category