Anna von Kleev Ch. 03: Disaster

Anna was agog to hear my news, and she blushed shyly when I told her that Holbein was going to paint her and her sister's portraits.

"But why, Pippa? If he wants me, why does he need a portrait."

Not feeling in the mood to offer long explanations to Anna, I told her that was the way men thought, which she accepted.

"But why does he want one of Amalia?"

"Men will be men, Anna, but believe me, it is you he will choose."

That portrait!

Duke William was one of those stern Protestants who took seriously St Paul's advice about women covering themselves up, so much so that when Holbein saw Anna in her gown and headdress, he threw his hands up in despair!

"How can I give my master a good portrait when I can see so little of you, my lady?"

Anna's reply amused me, and reminded me she could be feisty:

"Shall I strip off so you can paint me in the bathtub?"

I thought that Holbein wanted to say "yes," but with me there, he confined himself to muttering something about "could I at least see the colour of your hair?"

I talked with him later, explaining how life was here in Cleves.

"Make the most of her. I do not think that a portrait from the side would suit, if you know what I mean?"

"I agree, my lady, it would not show her nose to best advantage."

"My Lord Cromwell is keen on this match, and I know you would not wish to offend your paymaster, so bear that in mind."

He gave me the sort of look men tended to give me when I showed an awareness of matters of state, but agreed that a full-face portrait would be best.

My report to the Duke and the Dowager Duchess went well. To give him credit, Duke William was genuinely concerned for the future of his sister, but he took my point about the advantage of such a marriage, and one where no dowry was required. Duchess Maria was less concerned with Anna and more with the financial advantages. I assured her that the king was fabulously wealthy, and that Anna would want for nothing. Indeed, when confirmation of the marriage offer came, so did the offer of 100,000 florins, which cheered the Duke up not inconsiderably.

"As long as the girl remembers her family here and ensures we, too benefit."

"Well, my lady, assuming you will let me be head of her household, I can make sure of that."

"I don't know what that girl would do without you Pippa. I suppose I should tell her about what is expected of a wife?"

From her tone, that was clearly the last thing she wanted to do, so I suggested that she let me do it.

"You know?"

"I know what is expected. By the way, do you want me to carry out the necessary inspection to assure the king she is a virgin?"

"Would you, Pippa? Thank you."

I made a jest of it when Anna and I were alone later.

"Now, young Anna," (she did love my talking down to her) "Mama has instructed me to inspect you to see if you are a virgin."

Anna coloured.

"But YOU know I AM!"

"I do, but it needs to be confirmed by a third party - me in this case. So stop pouting, lower your drawers and lie back on the bed, knees flexed."

"NOT fair!"

"I'll spank your ass if you pout once more young lady!"

"Yes, Miss, sorry Miss."

I watched as she reached under her skirts to remove her drawers before lying back on the bed, her skirts up and her thighs parted.

"Good girl!" I grinned. She blushed, even more when my fingers slid along her outer lips.

"Peel those lips back young lady, you need inspecting."

Red as a beetroot, Anna did as instructed. Her hymen was intact - of course. The tell-tale liquid on her upper thighs, some of it dribbling down into her ass crack, showed how aroused this treatment had made her.

"You are like some slave girl being examined for her Mistress. Let me see how aroused her new whore is."

So saying, I moved an index finger to her clit and circled it softly, making her moan loudly; she dripped most prettily, and her odour was strong.

"Oh, Miss Pippa, you make me feel so bad," she said, as she pressed herself wantonly onto my hand. I so wanted to finger her there, but knew I could not. So I adjusted the angle, pulling her dress down so that I could suck her nipples at the same time that I pressed her hard against my hand.

Anna was soon lost in her erotic frenzy, and all I needed to do was to suck hard at her swollen nipples and to smack her pussy each time I did so. I could feel her tensing - so slowed down.

"No, oh no Miss Pippa, I need it, I really need it!"

"Need what, girl?"

I had long noted that my lady Anna's most powerful sexual organ was her brain. When we were like this, she went to a place of subservience where any guilt could be put aside because she had become my slave and therefore had no choice in anything.

"Oh I can't say Miss, I am a good girl."

I smiled to myself. Yes, of course, elsewhere she was, but here, in our private place, those words took on a new meaning, so, spanking her pussy, I said:

"Good girls do as they are told, so tell me, girl, what is it you want?"

My thumb rubbed across her clit as I called her "girl."

"I need to orgasm, I need it!"

"What do needy girls say?"

As I said that, I bit her nipple, making her whimper and squeal, and rubbed her clit.

"Please, oh, oh, fuck, please, please, I need it, I can't hold back."

It was always a dilemma. When she said that, was she really signalling that she wanted me to keep her on the edge for longer, or did she really want to orgasm now? I loved her, and could deny her nothing, so I gave permission. It was just in time as her pussy gushed against my hand. I held her as she came and came.

Once she had calmed down, I kissed her.

"Was it the idea of Mr Holbein painting you naked that aroused you so much my darling?"

Even in her post-orgasmic dishevelled bliss, she blushed.

"Oh yes, darling, think how naughty that would be, him and then others seeing me like that!"

"You, my lady Anna, are a very naughty girl, and I think at some point soon that bottom of yours is going to pay for it. But Mama wanted me to talk to you about marriage."

"Of course. What about it?"

"Well Henry is going to choose you."

"Why? What is he like?"

He's fifty, very tall and still handsome, but he is putting on weight."

"Will he like me?"

I sighed. She was such a romantic soul.

"He will marry you, but then he will expect you to be a good wife in the bedchamber. Do you know what that will involve?"

"Will I be like we are?"

"No. Men are differently equipped down here," I said, giving her wet pussy a playful slap. "They have a shaft which they press into us to give us babies."

"Does it hurt?"

I thought, "how the hell should I know?" but answered, "not if my lady is as wet here," (I slapped her again) "as you are now!"

"Oh, is that why I get wet? Are you wet my darling?"

"I thought you'd never ask," I said, smiling. "Does my kitten want to lap at my cream?"

"Oooh yes, Miss, I do!"

As I looked at her broad, open grin, my heart swelled. How could you not love her? And how cruel was it to marry her off to a man like Henry? Well, that was her fate, and my job was to help - but for now, it was to lie back and think of Cleves.

The darling girl loved to lick me, and she had become expert at it.

"My lady was wet for me?"

"Of course it was for you, girl!" I said, pressing my wetness against her face, time and time again until I, too, could hold back no more.

Holbein finished his portrait, which was all that I could have wished it to be.

"I think, Mr Holbein, that were you to tell the king how beautiful you found my lady to be, that would please Master Cromwell. In token of which, I hope you will accept a small monetary reward from Cleves?"

It was a good use of some of the money Cromwell had given me, and within weeks the news came back that the king would marry Anna. That set the lawyers to work on the contracts, and me to work on the trousseau.

The Duke, notoriously mean with money, but with 100,000 English florins in his treasury, unlocked the coffers so that Anna could have a suitable wardrobe.

I assured the Duchess that Anna was now aware of her future responsibilities as a wife.

"Thank you, Pippa. She will continue to need you, and I am glad that you are going to England with her."

"Of course, my lady, and I shall keep you informed of our progress."

We arrived in my home city, Calais, on 11 December 1539. I had not been back there since I had left, twelve years earlier, and my family had moved on. As so often at that time of the year, the sea was rough, so we had time to wait. It gave us time to talk with Lord Lisle, who was the King's uncle.

Rather sweetly, he offered to teach my lady some of the king's favourite card games, which whiled away the time nicely - for her. I spent the time more profitably with Lady Lisle.

After dinner on the first night Anna retired to recover from her journey, which gave my time to talk with Lady Lisle.

"I am sorry that my husband is not better company, but your mistress seems happy enough learning card games. But I sense you have other things on your mind."

"You are right, my lady."

"Oh do call me Jane. I am told that you were born here?"

"I was, Jane, hence my command of English. What I want to know from you is more about the politics of Henry's court."

She gave a strained laugh.

"I am not sure that we, as members of the House of York," are your best source."

"Am I correct in thinking that the House of Plantagenet has a better claim to the throne than the Tudors?"

She laughed.

"The Tudors have two claims - right by conquest, and right via my husband's half-sister, Elizabeth of York, who was the King's mother. If my mother-in-law had been married to the king, my husband would be king. So yes, I think we have a better claim - but would not say that in public."

As she was being open with me, there were some questions to which I wanted an answer.

"Master Cromwell speaks as though he is the power behind the throne. But my sense is that the king is his own master."

Jane looked at me, appraisingly.

"I had heard you had a head on your shoulders, and if you think like that, you are likely to keep it there. Yes, the king likes the fact the Cromwell works hard, like his predecessor Wolsey, but the latter ended up dead, and my bet would be that Cromwell will meet a like fate. Henry uses judicial executions as a means to control people. He can be fun, but it is like having fun with a semi-tamed lion; sometimes he will roar for no reason. You are, I take it, worried about your mistress?"

"Wouldn't you be?" I asked. "He's married to one woman for nearly 25 years, divorces her, breaks with Rome to marry his mistress, executes her, marries again, she dies and now he wants my mistress. What are her chances?"

"If she can produce an heir, good. Katherine of Aragon was too pious and could not produce a male heir; Anne Boleyn was too clever and cunning, and did not produce a male heir, and Jane Seymour was unlucky, but gave him a male heir. If your lady can survive childbirth and produce an heir, I'd give her a good chance of staying alive."

That gave me food for thought.

Lady Jane looked at me.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

It was late, I had taken wine, the fire was warm.

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I have lain with other women too; I can spot the signs. You're too young to be feeling maternal, so the doe eyes you make at her must be because you desire her. Be careful, the king is madly jealous, and if he ever got wind of it, you'd both be in danger. She is still a virgin, isn't she?"

"She is, Jane. I have made sure of that."

"Good. The King would have dissolved the contract at any sign she was not a virgin."

That was me warned.

I kept what Lady Jane had said to myself. I had a lot to ponder.

It was not until two days after Christmas that we could leave Calais, and we arrived at Dover Castle in the late afternoon after a crossing that kept me confined below. Anna, who had the stomach for it, called me up to see the white cliffs.

From Dover we went north to Rochester where we spent the next few nights.

I tried to help Anna by acting as translator, but despite my efforts over the past few months to teach her some English, she was more or less mute. That did not bode well.

In her quarters we practiced some phrases:

"Your Majesty is such a handsome man. I hope I can be a good, obedient wife." eventually she got the hang of them. They would, I thought, be good stock phrases. We were due to go to London to meet the king on the first day of the new year, 1540, so we dined early on New Year's Eve, and I prepared Anna for bed.

"Can we not play, Pippa, I so want to."

"We must be careful my lady."

"Oh but I long to taste your quim Miss Pippa, can I?"

It seemed wrong to turn the darling down, and I was feeling aroused by the sight of her in her nightgown, so, lifting mine, I allowed her access to my wetness. The darling girl licked and lapped and pressed her face against me. I was feeling close when there was a commotion outside.

"Fuck," I said, "let me hide under the bed. Wipe your face my lady.:

We both just had time to carry out our respective actions before the door burst open.

All I could see was a pair of feet - male feet. I listened, wondering what on earth I could do if this was an attempt on my lady's virtue.

"My lady, I am but a simple knight, but I bear a message from the King to you."

Damnation! That was Henry's voice. But what on earth was he doing claiming to be a "simple knight?" I could only imagine Anna's confusion.

"He is handsome man, king, I am to be his obedient wife."

Bless, I thought, she was trying.

"He asks me to convey to you his undying devotion which he wishes me to give you in the form of a passionate kiss, my lady!"

I could see him getting too close to her.

"What! Is not, no! King is husband, not you. No kiss!"

I could hear what sounded like a scuffle.

Then Anna screamed.

"My lady, I shall withdraw. But beg the boon of a kiss."

Then there was silence.

"What is that scent, my lady?"

"Go, must go, maid be here soon, go!"

And thank goodness, he went. I could not help but laugh. He'd got a good dose of my pussy juice from kissing Anna's face; I could not help wondering how he had liked it? Whoever would have thought that Henry VIII would have sampled my pussy by proxy?

I crawled from under the bed.

"Pippa, Pippa, what happened? Who was that man?"

There was nothing for it.

"That was the king in disguise."

"What?"

My mind was in a whirl. I had no idea why what had just happened had happened. Later, I would learn that in a fit of Romantic chivalrous nonsense, Henry had adopted to guise of a knight because he was convinced that his true love would see through the disguise and know it was him. No, me neither, when it comes to making sense of it. But none of that was known to me that New Year's Eve, and even had it been, I am not sure it would have helped.

Anna was in tears.

"He said I smelled!"

"Darling, you did, you'd just been licking my pussy."

"Oh God! No, what will he think?"

"I doubt he'd recognise the smell and taste of my pussy, so he probably just things you smell."

Even as I said it, I thought it was not the most tactful thing to say, but quite what "tact" would have required, I could no more work out then than I can now.

"Well, you were protecting your virtue, my darling, and let that be your defence. Henry should be pleased that you did not yield to some strange man."

Of course, he should have been, and that seemed to cheer Anna up. But my instincts told me that there was no cause for good cheer. So it proved the following morning.

I was told that Henry wanted to see me.

He looked stern and none too happy.

"She is nothing so fair as she hath been reported," she said to me bluntly. Not being able to admit that I had witnessed what had happened, I had no choice but to ask what he meant.

"But my Lord, when did you see my lady?"

"I went in disguise to her chamber to see if true love would open her eyes to my identity, but she rejected me, and besides, she smelled vile."

Thinking to myself, "oh thanks, that's my pussy you care calling vile," I said:

But your majesty, how was my lady to know. She was merely protecting her virtue for you, her husband."

"I like not the wench. She shall be no wife of mine. You must talk with Cromwell and fix matters."

With that, he strode from the room.

I conjugated the word "fuck," in my head.

Cromwell entered after Henry's departure.

"What happened?" I protested.

"He made a romantic gesture and your lady turned him down."

"My lord, this is unfair. My lady is a virtuous German princess, not some French vamp or English lady raised in traditions of chivalric romance. From her point of view some man entered her room and tried to kiss her. Her refusal to be drawn is surely evidence of her virtue?"

Cromwell sighed deeply.

"Hell and damnation! You do not know him. He is determined not to have her."

"That, my Lord, would be unfortunate for the Protestant Alliance, and for his reputation. The Duke would never agree to ally with a country which had slighted his precious sister, so if the French or the Spaniard were to act against you, England would be alone. Moreover, to contract a marriage and withdraw at the last moment would be to cast doubt on his word. I doubt any foreign princess would ever agree to a wooing."

I could see from the look on Cromwell's face that my comments had hit home - as they should have done. But I felt for him. Arguments were all very well, but we were dealing with a tyrant. What Henry wanted, Henry got. He had broken with Rome herself in order to marry Anne Boleyn, so what he would do to avoid marrying Anne of Cleves, God alone knew.

"Yes, yes, that is all very well my lady, but this is Henry VIII. He has a whim of iron at the best of times, and this is far from being the best of times. Can we not say that the precontract with Lorraine invalidates this new contract?"

"You can say what is expedient my Lord, but as Lorraine has withdrawn from that contract, you will fool no one. No, send us away disgraced, and Protestant Europe will know that your king cannot be trusted."

"Well what DO you advise?"

I could have made the point that it was ironic that the great English minister was asking a mere woman for advice, but that would have been to have won a battle at the expense of the whole war.

"Could we not, my Lord, use these reasons with the king, and then, see how things go? If he likes her on the wedding night, all this will be forgotten."

And there we left it.