LST3K Ep. 11: Earth Duh

"Annie?"

"Duh," she answered.

Dark: Some of Annie's brightest dialogue in this whole piece so far.

"Its late, I've got to get up early, I've got an exam," I complained.

She ignored my complaint. "Did you get the package?"

Dark: Again acknowledging that nobody listens to a word he says *laugh*

"Yes," I answered after considering whether I'd be smarter to deny having got it.

"So?"

"So I got it," I admitted.

Dark: One more time. Redundantly. Again.

"Do you like it?"

"It's a piece of wood for crying out loud."

"Did you check it out? It's made from mahogany.

Dark: Sure, why not one more trite reference? Everything good is made out of mahogany!

Compare it to yours?"

"No," I denied even though I had earlier in the evening.

"Liar," my sister said with a laugh, then added, "We didn't change it at all. We didn't have to."

"Of course you didn't, its perfect," I said gruffly.

"We sent it out for field testing yesterday."

"Field testing?" I asked.

Dark: Despite having mentioned it to the mad doctor in the run-up to the aborted sex scene earlier.

"Uh huh. You didn't think we'd start selling it to the public before it had been put through rigorous field trials did you?"

"Well..." I said as I stared at the long, thin box that had come FedEx that morning. I reached over and lifted the wooden cock from the bubble paper that protected it.

"There are fifty women in our customer panel, they'll use it every night for seven nights and then report back each morning by computer," my sister explained.

"Fifty women?" I asked as I held the dildo up against my suddenly hardening cock. Fifty woman pushed me inside themselves last night? "Who are they?"

"From all walks of live.

Dark: Walks of live? I wonder how long it took her to figure out that live test subjects had better response rates?

All sizes. All races. All religions. Even some lesbians."

"Lesbians?"

Dark: Notice how he always refers to lesbians as if he's talking about an alien race?

"Plus two other people," Annie added.

"Plus two? Who?"

"Well, the two senior executives of the company have to approve it too."

"They do?" The two senior executives of the company were my sister and mother!

"Yup."

"You're my sister ... you shouldn't," I said softly. My cock was now huge in my hand. Unconsciously I started to stroke it.

Dark: Such tension! Such conflict! *boom* There goes another Sarcasm-O-Meter...

"It's just a piece of wood," my sister answered.

"Still -"

Dark: "Still, it probably has more personality than me."

"It was better than 'Tiger Woody' ... or the Terminator. Or El.-"

"It was?"

"I came," my little sister said.

"You did?"

Dark: "Oh really?"

Dark: "Uh huh."

Dark: "No joke?"

"I'm going to use it again tonight."

Jesus H Christ! "You shouldn't! It's wrong, so wrong," I told her.

"I'm pushing it in now Axel. I'm putting 'Count Axel Rod' in me. I'm in bed ... naked ... on my back," she purred in a sexual tone I'd never heard in her voice before.

"Don't!" I ordered. My cock was as harder that it ever had been.

Dark: A car on the tracks with a freight train coming would be less mangled than the language in this story.

"It's big ... so big. It's heads inside me now.

Dark: It is heads inside me now?

It almost hurts. Nice hurt Axel," she moaned.

"Please don't," I begged.

"Fuck me Axel, fuck me hard," my sister panted down the line. "Fuck me with your big, big cock," she pled.

For five minutes I listened to the groans and cries that echoed around my sister's room.

Dark: Everything takes five minutes in this story!

"Did you cum?" she asked me in a soft, little girl's voice after I'd heard her orgasm.

"Are you crazy?" I demanded. My sperm was splattered across my thighs and stomach.

"I love you," Annika said and then hung up the phone before I could tell her that I loved her too.

****

Dark: A scene separator that actually makes sense! A transition that isn't a complete head-scratcher! *Faints*

The next morning I called Ashley and Kimberly. Asked them if they'd like to go out that night.

"Why don't we just stay home," little Ash replied. So we did! I brought them a present. 'The Count'!

They were delighted. "Does this mean we won the contest?" Ashley asked her pal.

"I wonder what the prize is?" Kimberly replied.

Monday, May 11th 2009, Miami Beach, Florida

Dark: But unfortunately, the scene was completely pointless!

"Hi," I heard whispered from my doorway.

"Annie?" I was in bed. I'd just finished my first day as V.P. Finance of Succorious Inc. It had been a pretty good day.

"I wanted to show you."

"Show me what? Something from work?" I asked even as I felt my sister pull the sheet off my body.

Dark: Cue Bop-Chicka-Wow-Wow seventies porn sound track!

"How our products are used in the real world," Annie answered as she turned on the bedside lamp.

"You're naked," I stammered out as my eyes roved over her curves.

Dark: Only this guy could be surprised by that.

"You are too," she accused with a smile as she pointed at my body with the piece of wood she was holding in her hand. The 'Count'!

"Is that-"

"Uh huh," she agreed as she waved the wood penis at me.

"You shouldn't be here," I tried to insist.

"I want you to watch," my sister purred as she climbed up on my bed.

"Watch?"

"And maybe help."

"Help?"

Dark: You can almost hear the "Uh dur," at the end of everything this guy says.

"It's best when I'm on my back ... like this," Annika said as she lay back on my bed next to me. "I spread my legs like this ... then pull my feet in towards my bum so that my knees are pointing up in the air ... like this. It opens me."

"You shouldn't ... not here," I told her as my eyes zoomed in on the engorged lips of her pussy. She'd shaved since the last time I'd seen her naked.

Dark: She looked odd without her mustache and Elvis sideburns.

There wasn't a hair left on her now bald mound.

"I like to rub it up and down to start, like this," she said as she slowly moved the wooden penis over her slit. My cock was huge!

Dark: It's huge! You have to believe me!

"Then I like to tease myself a bit ... push it so the big head spreads me but doesn't quite go all the way in." My palm closed around my cock.

"Then I push it so that your cockhead is totally inside me ... my pussy closes behind it ... it's big Axel," my little sister panted.

"It's not my cockhead," I protested.

Dark: Despite saying that fifty women were pushing you inside them a few scenes back.

"Are you touching yourself?" she asked.

Dark: This has to be the most unobservant family on the face of the planet. He's a couple of inches away!

I watched as she pushed more of the dildo inside.

"No!"

"Help me, please help me Axel," Annika suddenly begged.

Dark: I don't think there's a shrink in the world that can help you, Annie — let alone this genius.

Her hips were raised six inches of the mattress as she raised herself to meet the penis she was feeding inside herself.

"Help you? How?"

"I want you to do it," she said as her free hand grabbed mine and led it to the pole that was sticking out of her.

"Do what?' I asked as I closed my palm around the dildo.

Dark: *Facepalm* Write a book report on Moby Dick. What do you think?

"Make me come." It was almost an order. Tentatively I pushed the wooden penis deeper. "Harder," she begged, then a second later felt her hand find my penis.

"Like this?" I asked.

"Oh yes," she groaned.

We stroked each other in unison. Faster and faster. My sister was masturbating me. "It's wrong," I muttered as I continued to push the dildo in and out of her.

"STOP!" It was an order.

Dark: I think the exclamation point and all caps covered that, but Captain Redundancy saves the day again!

I released her even as she released me.

"But-"

But then she rolled on top of me and I was inside her before I knew what was happening.

Dark: Nice of him to remind us how slow on the uptake he is on a regular basis.

There was no thinking of consequences as I rolled her over onto her back and thrust every inch of my cock into her pussy. We were both far to gone to think about anything but our needs.

Nothing could have stopped us.

Dark: How about a meteor crashing through the roof and scattering your atoms over half the country? A guy can dream, can't he?

It was a hard urgent fuck that ended with her ankles on my shoulders and my throbbing penis bucking out strand after strand of hot cum. Then we did it a second time. And a third.

Dark: Such detail! Such emotion! Is my sarcasm showing again?

She lay in my arms when we'd finally finished. Crying. But I knew they were tears of happiness.

"I've got to go," she finally announced.

Dark: Again with the announcements. Does this family carry around megaphones everywhere they go?

"I love you," I whispered.

"Am I better than Veronica?" Her habitual tease was back in her voice.

"Who?" I asked.

"Good." She rose from my bed smiling.

Dark: What's a Bed Smiling? Commas. Use them.

We both knew a pact had been made. A pact we'd both always honor. But she still had a surprise for me.

"Mommy wants you too." Annie was standing by the door looking back at me.

"Mommy?"

Dark: Reading this travesty makes me want to cry for Mommy too.

"Tomorrow. But you have to go to her. She'll never come to you. Tomorrow night."

"But-"

"She's got the 'Count' inside her right now. She'll need more."

"I can't," I whispered across the dark room.

Dark: Lit by the bedside lamp she turned on earlier.

"You have to," my sister said and then she was gone.

The next night, Tuesday May 12th, Miami Beach, Florida

Of course I didn't get much work done the next day. It was impossible not to consider the implications of the night I'd spent with my sister. The night that I knew would only be the first of many.

And when I wasn't thinking about Annie my thoughts turned to mom. My mother! And even as I promised myself I'd never do it I couldn't help but realize I wanted her. Wanted to fuck her. But I wasn't going to. I promised myself.

So why, at eleven forty-five that night did I find myself shaving? Why had I showered and then combed my hair? I never do those things at night.

Dark: "I like to go to bed dirty and disheveled. My sheets are a the most attractive shade of gray."

And why, when I finally left the bathroom, did I turn left and not right which was the way to my room? Only mom's room was to the left.

And why was my cock hard?

I heard a small groan just as I had her door halfway open. "Mom?" I whispered through the darkness.

"Axel!" There was both surprise and fear in her voice. "Not now honey," she added as I entered. I flicked the light switch.

"Don't!" She pled.

But it was too late. She was on her back, seemingly attached to the bed by the spear that was splitting her.

Dark: Are we in erotic horror now?

"We can't!" She groaned out the words as I pulled the wooden 'Count' from between her legs. But it was her fingers that directed the real 'Count' into her pussy.

Dark: Shortly after reading this story, the Count from Sesame street was found self-impaled on a stairway bannister in his castle. Count Chocula is missing and presumed dead.

It was her fingers that squeezed the base of my cock as I thrust. It was her legs that curled around my back and made sure I couldn't change my mind.

Was it better than with Annie? Or worse? They simply couldn't be compared. Both were perfect in there own way.

Dark: And with that homophone error, the grammar massacre is complete. Once, he was but the learner... No, actually I don't think he ever was.

Better than anything I'd ever experienced before. I loved them both.

What did it feel like to pump my sperm into my mother? To finally take the place of the father who'd left us so many years before.

Dark: Who knows, because you just ask questions without answering them.

"You're different than your daddy," she said as we lay entwined after my second ejaculation.

Dark: Well, that was ten minutes off screen well spent.

I shouldn't have cared. What did it matter I told myself as I waited for her to go on. But it did.

"Better," she finally whispered into my ear.

"I love you," I answered.

"Much better, better than anyone I've ever been with," she insisted as her fingers circled my penis.

"So are you and Annie," I promised back. My mother took me into her mouth. All of me! Swallowed my creamy emission.

Dark: One suck — done! What a stud!

Then she lay back and encouraged me to put my cock between her tits. To fuck them.

Dark: He's got off three times now, but all ready for a good titty-fuck three seconds later! I'd call this juvenile wank fantasy, except there's virtually no sex in the entire thing.

I spent the night in my mother's bed. When I'd attempted to leave late in the night she'd held me. "Don't go," she'd said as she wrapped her arms around me.

"But Annie, Bridget, they'll know," I tried to warn.

"They already know," my mother answered as she again directed my penis inside herself.

Dark: Sure, let's go for one more. At this point, anybody who's still reading has suspended their disbelief of anything resembling reality, anyway.

"They do?" I asked.

"Don't talk Axel," my mother ordered, then covered my lips with hers.

Dark: I'm all for that, except I want the rest of the cardboard cut-outs in the story to shut up too.

It's the most wonderful thing in the world to wake up intertwined with someone you love. To know that there'll be a thousand more mornings like this. And then another thousand. To stand naked in a cramped shower and soap the body of the person you love.

Dark: Could this story possibly wander off on any more pointless tangents?

Annie was sitting at the kitchen table when mom and I arrived downstairs just after eight. Without a word she rose and embraced her mother. Then me. With a lovers embrace.

"Where's Bridget," I asked after we'd finally broken apart.

"She just left for school," Annie replied. Then she looked at me quizzickly.

Dark: He's just typing random letters and calling them words at this point.

"What?" I asked.

"You didn't forget did you?"

"Forget what?"

"Whose birthday it is today?"

"Shee-it!"

Dark: "Yee-Haw!"

I had!

"You forgot?" mom asked.

"I'll get her something at lunch. Some computer thing. Do you know what she wants?" I asked my sister.

"Uh huh," she answered enigmatically.

"And could you give me a hint?" I encouraged when she didn't add anything else.

Dark: You don't need a hint, you need a clue.

"She's a virgin."

"She is?" Bridget's a virgin? I didn't think such a thing existed these days. "But what about-"

"She's a virgin Axel," Annie repeated. "With her hymen still intact."

Dark: Probably a good idea to explain what a virgin is to this dimwit.

"She's never used 'Tiger Woody' or 'El Toro'? Or the 'Zebra'?"

"She was only seventeen until today you jerk," my sister rebuked. I tried to think back to when I was seventeen.

Dark: "All those fun-filled days in the basement, naked on a beanbag, eating cheezy-poofs, whacking it to the Victoria's Secret catalog."

"How do you know she's a virgin?" I challenged.

"I went and wished her happy birthday last night. At midnight. We talked."

"Oh."

"And she told me what she wants for her birthday."

"She did? Well what is it? I can't buy it for her if I don't know what it is." Crikey, why do women always try to make life complicated?

Dark: The directions on shampoo are probably complicated to this guy.

"You just have to show up."

"Show up where?"

"At her birthday party tonight of course."

"But what do I bring her?"

"Duh," she said with a grin, then glanced quickly down at my groin. Then she turned and looked at her mother. Then they both smiled at me knowingly.

"Bridget too?"

THE END

Dark: Of a series of pointless, non-erotic scenes strung together in the most confusing manner possible, resolving nothing and leading nowhere!

**** LST3K *********************

Attention passengers, please uncurl from a fetal position, we're coming in for a landing.

I always say that the best fodder for my LST3Ks are stories that weren't purposely written to be bad, and this one proves it beyond any shadow of a doubt. The author wishes to remain anonymous — strangely enough — so do honor that in any comment you might make.

Do feel free to add your own zingers in the comment section, though. There was so much to work with in this one that I had to edit things down. Every couple of words is yet another What?! moment in this stinker.

I had to hang three red badges of shame around my neck for the remainder of 2010 to get this odiferous bit of literary offal, so make it worth my while! Click those stars and leave a comment, won't you?