Sexual Preference/Choice Ch. 02

Men today have an idea of what they think a man should be. I have spoken with many men on the subject of manliness and what a man is, and what makes a man a man.

The following are some responses I received when I asked the questions,

What is a man?

What makes a man a man?

How do you perceive yourself as a man?

What is your sexual preference and why?

"I believe a man is someone who supports his family, is bold, strong, and in control of himself and his surroundings. Responsibility defines a man. I have never been into sports or most "manly" activities. I am not your typical man, I guess. I love theater, classical music, and emotion-triggering movies. I don't hang out with 'the guys'. I don't like beer. I detest violence of any kind. I guess you could say I am my own kind of man. I am heterosexual. Why? Because I like women and I am sexually attracted to women."

"A man is someone who knows how to please a woman, sexually and be very good at it. A man is someone physically strong. A man is someone who can make decisions at critical times. What makes a man a man? I would have to say a penis makes a man a man. If you don't have a penis you are a woman, right? How do I perceive myself? I see myself as a very masculine man, physically and visibly muscular and strong. I am good-looking and can please a woman in many ways. I have a good job and own my own home, outright."

The same man continued; "You want to know how I perceive myself? I see myself as the kind of man many men wish they were more like. As far as my sexual preference, I prefer beautiful women."

"To me, a man is biologically a male. Having a penis makes you a man. I have a penis, so I am a man. What is my sexual preference? I like chicks. Why? I just do."

"I can't say what a man is or what makes a man a man. I am a man only by gender. I wouldn't even slightly claim to be macho or manly for that matter. I guess I could take care of myself in a fight if I ever had to, but, luckily, I have never had to. I don't consider myself a man in the literal sense. I consider myself a human being that happens to act very much as I do. I am an individual. I don't think I fit well into any classification or label. Sexual preference is something I will have to cross when I get there. I am not what most people would consider attractive and I don't try to attract others to me. I enjoy being alone."

"I'm not the guy to be asking. My mom and dad have both always told me I will someday make someone a great wife. I'm a florist and a great cook and I really can't live in a messy house. I cry easily. I express my emotions. I'm a very emotional person. If I had to say what my sexual preference is, I would have to say I prefer it more than I am getting it."

"I think a person's looks and mannerisms define what makes a man a man. When a man can attract beautiful women he is a man. I am a heterosexual man because I can't even imagine not being heterosexual."

"I don't know what makes a man a man. I don't have a clue. Anymore, we are told we are supposed to be loving and caring, communicative, and the women still want the jerks. My sexual preference? More would be nice. I do prefer women, though."

You may wonder what these questions had to do with the question of heterosexuality, and if heterosexuality can be a choice. The answer lies in the fact most all men when asked what their sexual preference is will more often than not say heterosexual, but usually not in so many words. And many cannot tell you why? The following answers are to the question of why they are heterosexual.

"I'm heterosexual because I'm not gay."

"Why am I heterosexual? You mean why do I like women? I just do, always have."

"I am straight because I have always been attracted to women."

"I like women because they are soft, smooth, and pretty. I don't like hairy, hard-bodied men."

"I don't know why I am heterosexual. I just am."

Since most men can't answer why they are heterosexual, I decided to look into behaviors, other than sexual, that might be able to, without a doubt, define a person as heterosexual. It must be remembered that even though a person may not have sex that their orientation still exists.

Let's look at sports for example. Two sports that young people accept as masculine are football and wrestling. Both of these sports require men to have intimate contact with one another. In many, if not all, male sports, men often pat each other's behinds. This form of activity is not normally considered sexual; therefore it is rarely looked at as heterosexual or homosexual activity.

Although sports are not usually considered a sexual activity, people involved in contact sports often touch each other in ways they would not do otherwise or in another situation. There is no clear distinction between sexual and non-sexual enjoyment felt while touching another person's body.

Social rules often dictate what is considered sexual and what is not considered sexual. Other forms of interaction between people can be sexual yet not be considered sexual activity. Since the invention of the Internet people have enjoyed an activity called cybering, better known as cybersex.

Cybersex is role-playing. Cybersex is exchanging sexually explicit messages in Internet chat rooms. Because there is no actual physical contact between persons, many argue that cybering is not sex. Cybersex occurs daily on the Internet and happens between two or more persons.

People can be anyone they want to be on the Internet. A man can pretend to be a woman and a woman can pretend to be a man. If a man is sexually stimulated and having cybersex with another person they believe is of the opposite sex, but that person is of their same gender, then couldn't this activity be considered homosexual?

One might say that because a man believes he was cybering with a female, then the cybersex would not be considered homosexual because he believed the other person was of the opposite gender.

I would have to ask, then, if a man is turned on by a woman and has sex, of any kind, with this person only to find out later the other person was a man, would not this activity be considered homosexual? Although many people may consider the first man to have been tricked, the fact would remain that he had sex with another man.

Let's talk about something that is not overtly sexual, how men react to women. Men are supposed to act very masculinely when they are around women. Men are expected to act masculine around other men, also, yet men, especially men in committed relationships, often do not act masculine when they are with women. If you watch men, and boys as well, when they are trying to woo a woman or girl they will act in ways that are not usually considered masculine.

Many men are very submissive when they are with women, especially their girlfriend or wife. In actuality, their actions are more masculine than most understand. Their actions are more fitting to be considered not macho. Therefore, we must look at masculinity that is considered heterosexual. What is heterosexual masculinity?

Dr. Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus fame) defines male masculinity as being aggressive, rational, dominant, and objective.

Men are supposed to value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. This may be the case for many men, but not for all. We are taught and led to believe by many that masculinity is synonymous with dominance and oppression, combativeness, and power.

I began asking women what they believed masculinity was. I got answers from single women, married women, and divorced women.

"Well, my two ex-husbands weren't masculine. They never made decisions. They never seemed to be able to act independently. They always seemed so dependent on me. I guess I would have to say masculine is what my ex-husbands were not."

"My husband is masculine across the board. He talks in sports metaphors. He belches whenever and wherever. He will not ask for directions. My husband loves me dearly but still notices attractive women. He talks when I badger him enough. He drinks beer and can sit and do absolutely nothing for hours. He often thinks I'm on my period even when I'm not. This is what men do and are. He carries all the heavy things for me and he even opens doors for me. My husband hasn't grown up yet, and he probably never will. My husband is very masculine because he exemplifies what women expect men to be."

"The problem with defining masculinity is that you have to define society as a whole. Society, in a sense, defines masculinity. What may be masculine somewhere may not be considered masculine somewhere else. I have traveled all around the world and have found this to be true. If you want to define masculinity you have to also be able to define a society. Being an American in America I'd say defining society or masculinity is like trying to define the color red for a blind person."

"I believe masculinity is when a man can take care of himself, yet still enjoys a woman's company. Masculinity is when a man can seem to be in control even when everything is going to shit. A masculine man is a man who acts like a man. A man is defined by the way he carries himself. Confidence, not just stupid confidence, but real confidence is what defines a man as a man."

"I can't actually say what masculinity is. It's different at different times with me. I see a man as masculine when he is slightly jealous. Other times I see a man as masculine when he isn't jealous when I am with male friends. Sometimes I see a man as masculine when he is somewhat forceful, aggressive. Other times I see a man as masculine when he can be kind of emotional. I guess I'm not the best person to ask about masculinity."

"I see masculinity as a man who knows what he wants and does whatever it takes to get it. A masculine man is aggressive in all that he does. He doesn't ask what can be done. He knows what has to be done and he does it. Masculinity is a man's ability to not adapt to his surroundings but to control his environment. Masculinity is the ability to take pride in being a man, and never being ashamed he is a man. Masculinity is what a man has when he can make a woman proud to be a woman."

"Masculinity is exemplified when a man knows what he likes and he lets his woman know by his actions, not by his words. If a man has to ask if he was good in bed, he is not masculine. If a man can do dishes and yet play football with his buddies, he is masculine. Masculinity is what makes a man a man. A woman can never be masculine. Only men can be masculine. I love the fact I am a woman. I don't want a man who is soft and sensitive. I want a manly man. A manly man stands for something. If he can stand for what he believes in, I believe he will stand up for me. That's what masculinity is all about."

As you can see, different women define masculinity in different ways. Some women asked why masculinity always had to be linked to men. These women said they knew many women who were more masculine than most guys. This made me think. I had to try to define male heterosexual masculinity, and now I also had to identify male masculinity that was distinctly different from female masculinity. And I hadn't even reached the point of defining female femininity yet.

Before I could look into female masculinity, I had to try to define what made heterosexual men different from homosexual men, other than whom they had sex with. The biggest problem I faced was realizing that many methods of study, (biological, cytogenetic, endocrinological, neuroanatomical, anthropological and psychological,) have failed in proving real differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals.

I began thinking of ways that heterosexual men act concerning their sexual partners. To do this, I had to look at events that heterosexual men faced that would/could be considered heterosexual rather than homosexual.

Continued in Sexual Preference/Choice Ch. 03