Katy's Body Pt. 31

He was, of course, correct but I was again alarmed by how easily he could uncover my inner thoughts.

"Do you know that I have never told anyone about this before, not even my husband when we were close?"

"It is a response to the moral brainwashing from a young age, the programming of your mind to reject sexuality. You have already found a very effective and sexy way to overcome it. But, if you wanted, we could work on re-programming. I would prefer not. May I say something else?"

"Yes, of course."

"Some people - actors professional sports people, pop stars - have very short careers. There are plenty of people who flatter them and want to sleep with them but all of a sudden it stops. In some cases it is simply impossible for them to come to terms with no longer being the centre of attention. You are beautiful and have a very sexy body. With luck, hard work and, possibly, cosmetic surgery you may be able to keep your looks until your 40s but it cannot last forever. I know how important your submissive sex life is to you. If you are thinking that it might stop one day I can see that you might feel tempted to end it all by fulfilling your final big fantasy. That day is a long way off but I would urge you to avoid any such temptation."

I already had a plan for the time when I would want to retire from my sexual adventures. That is, when I finally had to stop my life as a submissive I expected to be living on a Caribbean island, helping to run a BDSM resort, whilst possibly continuing my vanilla life as a part-time freelance professional. His ability to look into my mind had not reached that far and I intended to keep it secret from him.

Overall, I was still in two minds about Will. I had much enjoyed the evening and, at one level, would be enthusiastic about more. My concerns were not about surrendering control of my body to him but his potential to control my mind too. Before the evening I had been both aroused and slightly concerned by his uncanny ability to read my mind. He had now demonstrated very clearly that he could also get me to derive my own sexual satisfaction by simply satisfying his own sadistic desires. That is, he had proved that he could create sexual pleasure in my mind even in those activities for which I would previously have had some hesitation. He had done this by playing on one of my strongest motivations - exhibitionism.

In some respects the potential for this was good. It could help me overcome residual inhibitions and increase the intensity of my own sexual satisfaction. But it clearly had dangers. For example, I suspected that his skills at mind control might lead him to try to influence me into becoming a 24/7 slave. This would create a major issue for me. I was only able to submit my body to be treated as a sexual object to be used and abused because the majority of my time was spent in an environment where my skills were respected and valued. For me, submission was a very sexy and exciting version of role playing. It is important because I am a very sexual person but I have a very different version of the "real" me. What I do in my submissive sex life does not wholly define me as a person and I could only resist any attempt to make me think otherwise. I needed to be the modern strong, independent woman as much as, probably more than, the adventurous part-time sex slave.

Much later I thought back on the evening and reflected on the ice bath. It was true that it would always have been a true punishment for me - something that was unpleasant and without any sexual satisfaction for me. It was also very difficult to see how there could have been much sexual excitement in it for Will and his two friends. What could possibly be sexy looking at a tub with the head of a naked slave poking out from it? Had they simply wanted to watch my face as my body suffered there must surely have been countless better ways to do it.

The most likely explanation was that it was another manifestation of Will's attempts at mind control. The purpose was not really sexual at all. He now had the threat of future ice baths as a means of coercion that would work. Most "punishment" such as humiliation or whipping would, most likely, be unsuitable to intimidate me. An ice bath would be a credible and genuine threat. I was in two minds about this. That he had used a severe caning (which he correctly guessed would be difficult for me) and a gangbang to punish me was not really an issue. By so doing he could show that he could make me enjoy acts that I had hesitations about - that he could push my limits further. In many ways that I was glad that he could use a degree of mind control to further overcome my inhibitions. But the ice bath was different. It was not simply extending my courage to push my limits outward. I doubt that he ever thought that I could possibly derive any pleasure from it. To me it looked very like an attempt to exert control - to gain my acceptance that I would carry out his wishes regardless of whether I or he gained pleasure from it. There was no other possible reason. If that was the case what reasons would he have to want to try to control my mind as well as my body? I strongly suspected that his long term objective was to make me his 24/7 slave. He had almost said as much when he discussed "true" submission.

Overall, there was much about Will that was very sexy, not least his ability to bend my mind to his wants. But, if we were to continue to see each other, I would need to make very clear that it would not be at the expense of my vanilla alter ego. He would need to understand that my vanilla life gave me the confidence and self-respect to allow (and enjoy allowing) my body to be treated as a sexual object for the pleasure of sadists.