This is like a terrible porn script
That was horrible.
I have no problem with the story line, per se. But the way it was written, as if every imaginable trope was used, by the numbers, as if checking them off a list. Coupled with high school sweethearts, where she suddenly is dismissive and contemptuous, and he is whiny and overly emotive. IRL, I don't see it happening like that. She may be overcome by the exotic new stud but her history of feelings for her BF, or ex, at least requires her to be somewhat sensitive to his needs and feelings.
Wet himself? Really?
And THEN his world crashes down because he is FORCED to listen to them fucking while visiting his parents and... his ex's parents? Why would he do that? At their beck and call? How exactly does that work?
On top of that, it was poorly written. Sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, spelling. Bah! Not worth the time I took to comment.
Very wonderful... Nathan's musing spwere exactly my thoughts :)
Thanks for sharing
Struggles of growing with a conservative Christian family... Ugh, the feels.....
You don't have to mention that you are using aliases to protect identities. No one cares if the story is true or not. Just write their fictional names. Just tell the story. You don't have to write "The End," either. Just bring it to a close.
I fell off of my chair when reading the line, "I had been told her clit was towards the top of her pussy." That was hilarious. Was it supposed to be funny? And who told the narrator where it was? Oh, and "It looked like a tiny tree stump"? Had he said that to her out loud, she should have given him a swift kick in the balls.
The naiveté of the characters is a good reminder why we need better sex ed programs in the schools. That being said, this story is cute in a lot of ways. Good job.
I love your characterizations. The story part of this was very fun.
I really enjoyed your character development and scene setting.
I loved it. Great writing. It is a great love story, not dirty or vulgar, just a beautiful love story of exploration. Having brother and sister that made it even better. Thanks for sharing it with me. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.
Tell at least your husband about your cheating and to your children.
The characters were cardboard cutouts. You use text-speak way too much.
Your choice of words leaves a lot to be desired. Her 'heaving stomach'? What, was she puking?
You really need an editor.
Very real description of the first time - the thoughts, the emotional feelings, and the physical feelings. Very sweet story - well done - very sexy - very romantic and loving. Just the way everyone's first time should be! Keep writing, you are very talented!
This was so good reminded me of my first time and made me squirt more than I've ever done before!
I loved it and you should write more. Thanks for the good read.
@Anonymous (Crazy Sexy!): The boar blood line was one of my favorites too. I guess great minds think alike!
@Anonymous (Very clever): I don't think I've written anything that's "the norm" yet! I think it would be a real challenge for me ...
@Averygoodlay: I think I read the first of those books when I was a teenager. Maybe I even read more than one. But I got really sad in the movie when Harrison Ford killed Daryl Hannah using that poisonous snake. Hmm. Am I remembering that right?
of the cave bear? Great books.
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