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Latest 15 Reader Comments

That was so cute

Oddly enough, I like the guy being different in a corrupted world. But I must say, you title is very misleading. I enjoyed the story. Random question: why did you put your story on this site? Its so cute and innocent.

@hellinahelmet

Honestly I'm aiming for a bit more sex as the percentage of word count in future chapters. I think the next part will be majority sex, but I'm struggling with getting it all evenly paced out with things between the sex scenes to help break it up. And I'm not clear, are you saying I should be aiming for 30% sex or 70%?

Next part should be at least twice as long as this first one with four different sexual encounters going on. Still working on some world building and character introductions, but hopefully it will play out nicely. Trying to get the first draft done and sent to my editor before Friday.

GoodStart

Let´s see where you take us from here...keep the 30 to 70 percent ratio of sex to drama or action, to keep it moving well and to keep us interested in the sex when you lay it on us...Thanks for contributing to Literotica...great place to hang your hat...

Draco

We've seen two wormholes created now for jumps, and in neither case did their creation seem to take any appreciable time. it's possible that the difficult work was done ahead of time, but it doesn't look like it

Each chapter is better than the last, well done hope to be able to read more very soon.

I know what you mean about finding work, it is just that some of us are anxious for more of this story. I hope you find something soon though. Keep your chin up it will happen.

Love it

I have read the story 3 times I love it at parts it makes me cry others laugh and so want to scream. I wish you would come back and write another story I love the way you tell them

Five stars again, it's just brilliant what more can be said.

Its ok, but needs work

I don't usually criticize people's stories but I felt I should speak up here. I'd like to start by saying that you've got the bare bones of what could be a great story here. This could actually become a great story, but it needs work. The whole story feels rushed. I'd like to think this feeling of the story being rushed comes from a lack of detail and elaboration of both yoir characters and the setting, actually being rushed in some parts, as well as a lack in the dialog department.

To reiterate what I said above, your characters' dialog is lacking. It has left your characters rather boring really. They're horny, sure, but still boring. A character's dialog with other people in a story helps build that character's character; shows us a bit more of who they are. While actions may speak louder than words in showing who someone is IRL, it still is a useful development tool for your cast. At the same time, it's also a good way to advance your plot at times, if done properly. That means adding more substance to the conversations story members have.

Your lack of detail has also left me quite unable to build any sort of actual picture on where this all takes place. Don't let that confuse you. I don't care one bit if the setting takes place in a location that already exists or is entirely of your own making. I'd just actually like to be able to build some sort of picture in my mind of the setting around your characters instead of some flat and half-described locations. If you want us to see the world you see while writing this story then you need to describe it to us more. Now, getting back to the subject of your characters, don't forget that descriptions of the setting around them can sometimes help better describe your characters. Take the home your main character just furnished. That was a great chance to tell us more about his likes. Details such as what kind of television, couch, bed, etc etc that he bought would have actually gone a lot further than you think to fleshing his character out more. Sometimes the little things go a long way.

Finally I noticed a few parts where it seems you really did just rush the plot along. Im pobably going to end up talking about parts that have alreasy been discussed by other members here but I suppose that just means we all had an issue with those parts. I'll begin with the disappearance of Emmy. All of a sudden she's gone and only one guy , your main character, remembers her but doesn't seem terribly affected by it since it only got a few paragraphs of him being "what the hell happened?" before just moving on with his life. Then you've got him at some bland computer store about to get a top of the line computer for a measly thousand dollars and the hot female employee,who is out of his league at that point in time, just gushing all over him, offering a major discount on the already dirt cheap high end pc, and willing to deliver it to his home herself after he's only said but a few words to her. Let's also not forget how he quickly manages to find out what the stones mean and his mystery voice is telling him there's one more emotional trial to go through when, holy fucking shit, mom's in the fucking hospital and dear ol' dad is saying it's not known if she'll make it. Quelle surprise!! That sure was quick! Guess he doesn't have to really guess what that was going to be. Moving on to him only getting 5 wishes, or 4 since mom conveniently hospitalized herself for him, and now he wants to "take some time to get to know Emmy". I know he sure said that he wanted that and she agreed but I guess they hit their heads and forgot after Erica showed up again to try and play anvil to his hammer, because they turn right around and they're now banging each other like a pair of rabbits stuck to a screen door during a hurricane!

There's no need to rush the story. Take your time with this. Let us get to know the characters and the place they live in. If I sounded frustrated at any time during this post it is because I was. This story has potential. You just need to feed this story a bit more. Get some meat on its bones.

Stunning

This is one of the best stories i have ever read.

Wormhole as a weapon

The post by by Draco9881 made me think about weaponizing the wormhole generator. Imagine creating a wormhole about half the size of the target ship in front of them. Half of the target ship gets warped to another destination while the rest stays put. This may be too powerful of a weapon but it'd be unstoppable.

Even smaller wormholes would be devastating. Imagine a small grid of them in front of a moving ship. It'd be like pushing a ship through a garlic press.

Thoughts

John, as a Rear Admiral, ought to have the authority to recommend for promotion persons whom he thinks deserving. In fact as CO of the Invictus I would have thought that he would have had that authority from the start,

In an earlier post I suggested that creating wormholes could be a time consuming task. I have been giving the other side of the coin some consideration and my ideas are that John and company decide that they will only use the singularity drive if they need to get to their destination "yesterday" otherwise they will use the normal FTL drive.

Also rapid wormhole creation opens up the possibility for the development of a "Wormhole Gun". It would work by making a connection between a special room on the Invictus and the target location on the enemy ship, e.g. the enemy bridge, and then pushing a package through. The package could be high explosive, knockout gas or any other form of nastiness that can be dreamed up.

Really good story...

A couple of grammar mistakes, but nothing mayor. Also, I'm a bit confused about the whole transformation process, so if you could explain that a bit more in future chapters, that'd be great.

way for Virgins!

Loved the story! They're great together.

I'm not a big fan of pubic hair, but liked the fact that the protagonist is a virgin, it makes his reactions more adorable.

You should write more about virgin heroes, they're rare on literotica & go well for the submission stories.

Though they shouldn't be total subs.

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