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Latest 15 Reader Comments

A long and

enjoyable story.
Turns of life that were expected and surprising.
Well done.

UGH!!!

AMEN to annoy's comment!

love it

keep going please, awesome .hot sexy i need more !! .

Damn fuckin right

God damn JESSICA YALL HAD A GOOD THING GOING KYO LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU WERE

Well done!

Very well thought out, written, and presented. Keep going.

Top of the line story

A story of joy and sadness, of the frailty of human life.

Good hopes for this!

It's been too long since we've had a decent genie story, especially in proper English! Well done mate, hope to see more, the kinks you'll bring will be interesting I hope ;)

Old music

You've played this tune before just different lyrics this time.
(For lack of anything worthwhile thats new, I'm rereading all of yours. High praise)

I love how friendly they all are!

Please accept my application to move into this apartment complex...
and schedule multiple physical exams?

I'm in Nashville....Where are you? :+))))

Thought this was a love story.

Really lost interest after this went from a cute coming of age love story to high school drama blackmail bullshit. :(

anonymous

markelly is great. HDK (LiR) is great. Coaster2 is great. Wifewatchman is great and Adrianleverkuhn. and I miss Moogplayer and Rose Troy.

This was a great read. Thanks.

Great series

I love the concept and the story, but my constructive feedback would be that you leave it waaaayyy too long when revealing information to readers. We're in Chapter 11 and we only just now are getting the tiniest breadcrumbs of information about who Sailor is. I understand that tension is part of what you are trying to create, but when it goes on too long, readers just get frustrated and bored. Revealing info sorts into two categories: what you reveal to a reader and what the characters know. It's great to have a plot twist and a suprise, but it's also great to let the readers in on the secret. To be honest, I guessed who Sailor was way back at the beginning and it should have been around then that you revealed who he was, maybe a little later. Then, the tension in the story would have come from "when will the Captain find out and how will he react??" I think that especially when you are creating lore, you need to drip feed information as it becomes relevant. I say this because I keep reading hints and conversations and tidbits here and there that relate to this lore but I have no idea what it means. There so much of it that is unexplained that I don't remember a lot of it because there was no context added to anchor it in my mind. My next suggestion is to remove a lot of the descriptive weight in the story to keep the pace moving faster. And while I totally get that you're weaving a theme through the story, there's only so many times you can read the line "I am the sea" before it loses it's effectiveness. Try to match the pace in the scene with the pace at which you are writing as much as possible. For example, if a fight is moving quickly in a scene, you don't want to bog the reader down in detailed descriptions. Coversely, if reading a scene through seems to happen too quickly, slow it down by adding description. A good rule of thumb to remember is "is this part essential to the plot or does it move the story along? Does this really need to be in here?" Be brutal at this stage because we all get attached and invested in our writing such that we don't want to make changes and remove stuff when we really really should. If the answer to any of those questions is no, then take it out. Otherwise, you risk slowing the pace of your scenes which is precisely when readers get distracted or bored and disengage. One final note would be to clearly define your characters before you start writing. I love your main character and the Captain too, but sometimes, I get confused about who the Captain is. Is he a doninant top or a sensitive bottom? Is he a cold blooded pirate or romantic lover? There are a few conflicts in his character that don't seem plausible to me. But that can easily be fixed by a character sheet.

All of that is feedback is not supposed to be taken as critical but as tips to make you a stronger writer, to improve on the extraordinary natural talent you already have. And there's no way I would critique someone as thoroughly as this unless I truly believed that they had enormous potential.

The great aspects of your story are an amazing and unique world you've built and great plot, fantastic concept, really really well researched. Loving the introduction of Sybil as a character and Sailor is a brilliant protagonist. So much going for it, this series. I really do think that with a bit more attention to things like pacing and tension levels and thorough character work that your writing would hit next level and then some.

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