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Grammar, spelling, improper word choice, ....

I like a lot about this story. I like the characters. I like the story line, so far. I can see this being a very good story - if you get yourself a good editor and listen to him or her. It would be best if you pulled this posting and re-post after it has been edited. It *is* that bad.


Amazing story! Please continue the series!

cindy and susan two conservative women

Cindy and Susan will get the ultimate revenge from the twins who will put Cassie in charge of domesticating them into lesbian submissives with butch haircuts, shaved pussies, pierced nipples, and asses tattoed with ownership marks. Cassie will whip them mercillessly until they become pain sluts and lick the twins pussies while having ass opened wide by black studs. Julie will get same but keep her hair as she will help bring more white conservative girls into slavery. Alex will get the ultimate insult from Cassie when she twists his balls as he is ass fucked bya black stud and scorned by Julie who wants to save her ass. The teachers will be impregnated by dad and his friends before sent to Mexico as submissive slaves. FBI raid called off by Cassie who takes Cindy or Susan's identity as confidential informant. The story can end well.

I hope there are more chapters too come very soon

Very good concepts and ideas. I can't wait until you submit a new chapter.

One Part Left

There's only one part left of The Truth (I wrote the whole thing before posting so I could keep a schedule) so we're just about done. The story is intentionally focused on what happens to Olivia specifically since I hadn't done that before. You might like Telos which has a larger cast.

Here's the first one

As others have mentioned, this story needed editing or proofing, or a better understanding of grammar....perhaps English is not your first language.

'the time is ripped'

should be, 'the time is ripe.'

As this error occurs at a plot turning moment it is more glaring.


I have to agree with the other posts, your grammar needs editing. At various points throughout the story it read like a Google translation from another language; very stilted. Some issues around the continuity of the plot line. Why would he readily accept a strange, possibly dangerous drink from his father without any qualms and then in the next breath be angry about a secret kept from him and storm off? Also, the story lacks depth, there isn't enough descriptive or background information, the story is very one-dimensional. The main thing is the grammar and punctuation. Get that sorted and you have a good story to work on.

Agree with previous post. Good idea but you need an editor. Had to play stop reading with all the mistakes.

You need help

You must get an editor, there were too many errors in this. Besides, Jason drinks an a strange unknown liquid without reservation and then gets all pissed off? Not very consistent.

Hurry up

Come on, I like your Story very much, but nothing is happening anymore. I mean it's quite repeating everything...
Maybe a new character from outside? Or an escape with coming back with a friend who Olivia will turn into the cult?

Could have been better

At first you wrote endlessly about where and how long and how often (boring) they fucked and later you hushed through the critical part. You were not able to turn this story into an erotical drama, it finally was only a short story as already written in a million ways.

Nice chapter

this is nice one.you can also make 1 sister to a slave of another sister.it will be grate if they train susan and cindy by torture rather than mind control.waiting for next part.

More of this story

Looking forward to more chapters when you get around to it.

Well done

A very original and enjoyable story! Well done!

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